I’m definitely a sensitive man. Like most sensitive men, I definitely find it challenging in the “yeah, you gotta eat 50 lb of bacon, pump iron 7x a day, never smile, and always take on a challenge” world of masculinity. I mean, we’ve definitely come a long way over the last decade making emotions something men can accept, but we got a long way to go.
Most articles I read about sensitive men are mostly about hiding it, how we’re not supposed, to, and then when we do we’ll feel better, blah blah blah. But I’m already expressive. I find it challenging, from both men and women.
From men, I don’t feel like a man (I don’t mean in the sexual sense…just from a psychological sense). In men’s groups I get so tired of talking about work and (maybe) hobbies I just wanna run out of the room screaming. It’s hard to find any other men who are okay talking about their feelings. When I do (I’m not afraid to), I find no one is able to relate.
From women, I think they often want to see me as a stereotypical stoic man. So when I do express myself, I’m seen as “not manly,” which can be a turnoff, whether for romance or friendship.
So how do other sensitive men cope with expressing their feelings?
I’m fortunate to have a few friends who are similar in that. We met in a religious group context, so that may have helped (this particular group emphasized community and sharing with each other, so attracted people like us). In addition, this group is mostly mixed company (women, men, and non-binary folks), so there were more opportunities to be emotionally open.
For those guys who are a bit more closed off, I find a good “entry point” is compliments and saying things like, “I appreciate you, glad to call you a friend.” Their discomfort will be offset by the positive affirmation (which for these men is often lacking), which may make them open to it. And when you occasionally get the guy that retorts with, “what, are we gonna go dress shopping next?” or something, you can subtly imply that taking a compliment isn’t un-masculine (“man up and take the compliment bro”). Just remember when people push back against that kind of thing, it’s because they feel scared and vulnerable–don’t let it throw you off or push you away.
Finally, if you need some inspiration, watch or read the Lord of the Rings. A bunch of masculine dudes who can kiss their homeboys on the forehead before slaughtering an army of orcs is exactly the type of masculinity the world needs.