My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
I’m a 35 year old man who has dealt with various mental health issues for years. Mine are more caused by physiological things, and I understand that you’re husbands seems to be more trauma related, but I hope this helps
For me what has helped is a change of perspective. When I started dealing with mental health issues about 15 years ago, at first I was hesitant to medication because I didn’t want ‘fake happiness’ or a pill that changed my personality. Some of that comes from not wanting to feel weak.
What I have come to learn with mental health is the correct treatment does one thing - puts me back in control. My anti depressant doesn’t ’make me happy’ or ‘keep me from getting sad’. What it does do is prevent episodes of depression and lethargy that I can’t control or don’t have a cause.
My ADHD medication doesn’t take away my odd personality, it just puts me back in control of what I focus on and how.
What I’m getting at is that mental health treatments can too easily be viewed as a ‘fix a mood’ treatment, which they aren’t. When done right, they help you be more like yourself and put you back in control.
As a husband and father, I’ve come to realize how my mental disorders (when not handled properly) negatively affect my family. Your husband sounds like a man who values that role as husband. It might help him to know that seeking these treatments will help him be a better husband. I was off my meds for a bout a year and saw the affect on my family, which was the catalyst for me.
If your cars transmission wasn’t working correctly and you had a hard time switching gears (like depression can be in people) working on it wouldn’t be lazy or your fault or giving up. I. The same vein, working on mental health because your brain is having a hard time shifting is certainly not defeatist.
Hope this helps and hope you two are able to get through this together