Couldn’t find any venting communities on Lemmy, but if one exists please direct me to it. I’m fairly sick right now so I could have just missed one in my dazed state.
I’ve been dealing with a problem lately. Technically not just lately, but my whole life, but for the past few years it’s something I didn’t have to worry about.
I’ve always been a fairly popular person in whatever circles I take part in. People like me. They like my personality. They like my appearance. My friends value me extremely highly. All that’s great. But when it comes to relationships, I always flop on my face.
Some people find me really attractive but don’t want anything serious. Some people do want something serious, but get scared off the second they see what’s hiding under the hood. Others just prefer me as a friend and would rather not complicate that with a relationship. But practically zero people both want anything serious and find themselves able to handle me and my mental issues.
There’s only been one person ever who I ever had any semblance of a successful relationship with, and that was my first ex. We dated for two years, fell deeply in love, but still in the end broke up because of mental issues making being together too painful to deal with.
I’m just so afraid I’ll never find anyone. I found the first person in the world who could handle my emotional outbursts completely unfazed recently, and she just wanted to be friends. Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled to have a friend as amazing as her. I’m just living in fear that I’ll never be able to find somebody who can handle and understand me like she can, who does want to be anything more. I just want people to stop leaving because of my over-tuned emotions getting in the way.
And yeah, yeah, I know, “you don’t need a relationship to be happy” and whatever. That’s not the point. The point is I practically don’t even have the option of a relationship in the first place because nobody can handle my deeper issues. I’m on numerous meds. I’ve tried therapy, and am still trying. I’ve done all I can on the road to self improvement and the only thing left I can do is find somebody who can handle what issues remain, and it doesn’t look like that’ll happen. It feels like I got a million romantic options and zero of them are good ones.
I know there’s only one real solution, and that’s to keep trying, and keep looking. I just needed to vent about it because the process of doing so is making me feel like shit and giving up would make me feel even worse, as if accepting that I’m unlovable.
My physical health is constantly monitored because there are some issues there, but nobody can identify the root cause of most of them. I get constant blood tests done to check the levels of things like my electrolytes and stuff (at least I assume that’s what they’re checking considering they label it as metabolic.) All my levels there are completely normal.
However, I am trans (mtf,) so my estrogen and testosterone levels get tested a lot, and while they’ve found my testosterone is consistently exactly where it’s supposed to be, my estrogen swings extremely wildly far beyond what it’s supposed to. I have times where my estrogen is consistently measured as being much higher than it’s supposed to regardless of how long after my injection it’s measured, and I have times where where my estrogen is practically nonexistent only a few days after doing the injection. The cause is unknown and an effective solution has not been found. It leads, of course, to me being incredibly moody for no reason a lot, on top of my mental health issues. But for some reason people are way more understanding with “sorry I yelled at you, my estrogen was through the floor” than they are “sorry I yelled at you, I have a collection of severe mental illnesses.” That’s a totally separate vent though about how people are way more understanding about physical health than mental health even though it matters just as much.
There’s a slight chance I have sleep apnea, but I’ve been told it’s pretty low. I did do one sleep study and nothing unusual was found. I do, however, suffer from horrific migraines, and have my whole life. I also have bizarre nerve issues in my lower back and legs that only Tylenol relieves. For whatever reason, stronger pain relievers, even opiods, do nothing for it.
As far as thyroid issues, I get checked for that constantly because they run in my family. Also, I do have high inflammation markers for some mysterious reason, but no inflammation has been found anywhere in my body. I also have oddly high white blood cell counts every time it’s ever been measured. They were looking for a cause for that at first, but after literally over a decade of zero positive results and more doctor’s appointments in a year than there are months, they eventually just had to say maybe it’s just like that for no important reason.
So yeah, my physical health is perhaps just as fucked up as my mental health. I’m actually considered legally disabled for that reason.
On a note about the aro ace thing you mentioned, I’ve actually been through that. It ended up turning out that I only identified as aro ace because my religious upbringing made me terrified of romance and sex. At this point I identify as biromantic and probably demisexual. It was definitely a scary thing at first indeed, but I found myself much happier once I’d finally come to terms with who I really was. Just remember that you don’t have to figure yourself out all at once, and you’re allowed to get it wrong as well. Nobody knows perfectly who they are, so if you have to change your labels a few more times, or even a lot more times, before you’ve started to find your footing, just go for it.