I’ve been open about how in the past, I struggled with some emotions related to trans women and what I perceived as gender essentialism, and how I educated myself, listened to trans people, and became not a transphobe. I finally have some time to write an effortpost today about this, so I thought I’d give a try at reaching out to any TERFs who might be visiting because of the stuff with Giggle. I realize that probably most of those who are visiting are too deep in ideology to be open to different perspectives, but hope springs eternal that maybe a few might be open to a different way of thinking. To that end, I’m going to be open about the opinions that I used to have and how I changed. I want to note here that I’m not trans and I can’t speak for my trans comrades–I’m purely talking about my own experience with learning that if your feminism isn’t intersectional, it’s just putting a pretty face on self-interest (and this applies to white feminists who don’t give a shit about WOC too, by the way). So to any trans comrades reading this, I welcome any criticism of what I’m about to write. I’m no expert and I’m not done growing, so if there’s something I need to edit, please reach out and thanks in advance. But please don’t keep reading if it might be hurtful to you. I’m sure someone else will give constructive criticism if it’s needed. :cat-trans:

So, to begin, over a decade ago, I was getting my MA and teaching at a university. A new MA candidate started the next year, who had just transitioned male to female. I sort of knew her (before she transitioned) because she’d been working in a related university department before starting our program, but I didn’t know her well.

Up to that point, I had been casually pro trans rights in a “yeah, whatever, do what you like, how could I possibly care about personal choices like that?” kind of way. I hadn’t really given it much thought though, so when I started having some uncomfortable reactions to my new coworker, I did not know how to handle it.

As a feminist, I was pretty against what I felt was gender essentializing behavior on her part. If we separated everything into stereotypically masculine and feminine behaviors, I’m more on the feminine side, but I certainly don’t like the idea that those behaviors are essential or determined by my gender. After all, I also have some qualities that stereotypically would be considered masculine. To me, those kinds of gender stereotypes are harmful to both men and women. It’s pretty easy to see how gender stereotypes harm women, but they’re definitely harmful to men too. For example, I remember learning about this heartbreaking study done on male friendships. When the boys were young, they would hug their friends and tell them they loved them, have deep conversations, etc. By middle school or so, all that had broken down because showing emotions was too girly, and they wanted to be MEN, DAMMIT. Many men don’t have any close friends at all. And we wonder why the male suicide rate is so high! Toxic masculinity isn’t just toxic for the women around you, it’s literally poisoning you. This is kind of a digression, but I wanted to give you a picture of where I was on gender essentialism and gender performativity at this point in my life. It’s OK to be a man and like “feminine” things! It’s OK to be a woman and like “masculine” things!

So here was this woman I was meeting (for the first time as a woman) and she was going at femininity SO HARD. And it kind of felt like she was saying “this is what it is to be a woman.” That felt pretty bad to me, because I felt it was harmful to place gender identity in a series of gestures like that. After all, if THIS list is all the things that make you a woman/are things that women CAN do, then THAT list is all the things that make you not a woman/are things that women CAN’T do. And fuck that.

So I’m looking at this woman who my sjw brain was telling me should be someone I’m supporting, but at the same time, I’m feeling like the way she’s acting as a woman was actually bad for women.

But here’s the thing: feeling this way felt BAD. I was pretty sure I was wrong, but I wasn’t sure why, and I needed to figure it out. Just telling myself I was wrong because I’d been told I should be an ally to trans people wasn’t enough to satisfy me intellectually or emotionally. I was performing as if I was an ally to my trans coworker because it was socially expected, but it felt hollow and fake. Clearly, I needed to know more. So I did some reading online (I couldn’t tell you what anymore, sorry. It’s been too long) and some soul-searching, and this is what things came down to for me:

1. My discomfort with what I was reading as gender essentialism on the part of my coworker said more about my insecurity with my womanhood than it did about her. I was still unconsciously hanging on to some ugly ideas about femininity and competency/intelligence that I really needed to let go of, if only for my own sake. She wasn’t saying “This is what it means to be a woman,” she was saying, “This is how I like to be a woman.” The bad interpretation was all on my side. I was still holding on to some (kind of adolescent “cool girl” ideas, to be honest) opinions about ultra femininity being weaker, less intelligent, etc than a more nerdy “smart girl” like myself. I still didn’t really wear pink that much, if you know what I mean (and not just because pastels wash me out). I give myself more room to enjoy my femininity now, and at least part of that growth is thanks to my trans coworker all those years ago who got me reading and thinking about womanhood more, and I’m still grateful to her for that. The fact that I was interpreting her femininity as gender essentialism was my problem, not hers. This is the big one, so I put it first, but it was more of a work in progress. The following ideas were more immediate when I started reading about trans people and trying to see things from their perspective.

2. It is literally physically dangerous to be trans. Just existing as a trans person is a dangerous act. My trans coworker is safer if she “passes,” because then dangerous people might not notice her. How could I possibly justify being mad at her for trying to present as feminine as possible, if only for her own safety?

3. It’s not my choice to wear a skirt every day and be as dolled up as possible whenever I leave the house, but I do enjoy getting dressed up and looking fancy sometimes, and even when I’m in hoodie mode, nobody would mistake me for a man. So if I had wanted to wear pretty dresses and do my hair up and wear makeup, etc for my WHOLE LIFE, and never felt like it was safe/something I was allowed to do until now, what would I do? I’d probably do that shit every day too! Just REVEL in being as (stereotypically) feminine as possible every damn day to make up for all the times I wanted to, but couldn’t. So could I be mad at her for that? Also, I mentioned hoodie mode but didn’t really explain what point I was going for there. A transwoman might feel like she’s risking being misgendered if she doesn’t go all out on the stereotypical femininity, and being misgendered is extremely painful if you’re trans. If someone misgendered me, I’d probably think it was funny, because my gender identity isn’t a site of pain for me, which makes a more androgynous presentation emotionally safe for me in a way that they might not be for someone who is trans. The previous point covered the physical danger of “not passing,” but there’s an emotional danger too.

4. Trans people who transition as adults are basically going through puberty all over again. Their hormones are going crazy, they’re trying to decide what kind of a person they’re going to be when they grow up, and they have no idea of what to do with their hair. So remember your own shitty adolescence and be kind.

5. It’s pretty impossible to divide out which behaviors we do because we’re naturally inclined that way, and which we do because society pressures us that way. The nature/nurture debate is an unknowable waste of time. We’re all just doing the best we can, and shitting on a trans person for how she’s trying to balance the kind of person she wants to be versus the kind of person society is pressuring her to be is pretty inexcusable.

6. Changing your whole outward identity puts you in a really vulnerable place. With my words and actions, I had way more power to hurt her than she had to hurt me. Using that power against her would definitely make me the bad guy.

Fortunately, I kept my big mouth shut while I was trying to figure this shit out and I didn’t hurt my coworker, which I’m very grateful for. Reading things from the perspective of trans people and then trying to imagine myself in their place reminded me of the central fact: trans people are people. They aren’t unknowable monsters. They have no diabolical agenda. They’re just trying to live in a society that says they shouldn’t exist.

So if you’re a TERF, I encourage you to do some reading from the perspective of trans people. They aren’t trying to erase you or your experience, they’re just trying to live and thrive, as is their right. You might even find that the perspective of someone who has transitioned might open your eyes to some of the ways that you perform gender in your everyday life, and you might gain some personal freedom as a surprise side-effect. If you’re scared to do some good-faith reading about trans rights from the perspective of someone who is trans, that says more about you and your fragile, hateful ideology than it does about trans people.

In closing, trans women are women, trans men are men, non-binary people are valid! :hexbear-trans: