Greetings to the community. I’m looking for advice on a situation.
Before I met my wife, she was a heroin user. Based on her history and behavior of use, neither of us really categorized her as an “addict,” but she was a user. She kicked it right before we met and stayed off it for years, promising it would never again be an issue (which I trusted).
However… She recently relapsed.
Owing to a number of factors, chief among them surviving cancer and (likely, though as yet un-diagnosed) RA, along with a number of other influences like family history and (probably) poor diet and exercise habits, she is in a great deal of chronic pain. We have spent years trying a great deal of medical (professional and otherwise) treatments to no avail. The pain was affecting everything; her mood, her ability to be productive, her ability to concentrate and achieve her goals, everything.
So, without my knowledge and (as was claimed) to her own shame, she started using again. Small but regular quantities to (as was claimed) manage the pain but not “get high.” When I found out what was happening, I confronted her about it and insisted I be allowed to help rather than kept in the dark. She admitted I’d handled the situation in the most supportive way she’d imagined and agreed to cease use and seek treatment, attending a Methadone clinic within the next few days.
She has been a model patient; attending daily and regularly, passing all UAs designed to find usage of substances not prescribed, and completing her assigned therapy appointments. (Though, she does not take her take-home doses as prescribed, preferring to mete them out differently to deal with the pain in a more targeted way.)
However, despite constant dosage increases, she has not reached what she considers to be a “therapeutic dose” (described, by her, as “enough to remove the pain and not be jonesing for another fix”).
This is all backstory. Where I need guidance is in how to deal with the current situation: She has become mean. She is grossly intolerant of most things, responds harshly and with malice to the needs of others, and has a generally sour disposition. She can’t stand criticism, is unable to complete most tasks that require focus, and has lost all compassion within her. She sleeps most of the day (upwards of 15-18 hours), is incapable of bringing herself to complete chores (even the most basic, like washing a dish or changing a diaper on our child), and appears to have no interest in anything.
I have dealt with depression my whole life and I recognize and empathize with many of these struggles. However, I try to believe that most of this can be attributed to the amount of pain she must be experiencing, and I have no experience with that myself. I also have no experience with Methadone treatments, though I have a pretty expansive knowledge of addiction (and many expert resources available to me).
I bear no ill will towards her and feel nothing but a desire to be supportive. I just (apparently, by the lack of progress) don’t know how to do that properly. I need help understanding what she is going through and how I can do more or less of something to make her more successful. I’m sure there are many schools of thought around these issues, and I’ve been purposefully general so as to cast a wide net at the range of possible solutions. I reach out to the community to help me learn about her/my options in the hopes I’ll get some good ideas of what I might try.
Thanks for reading this rather long description.
I have no words other than good luck. Recovery isn’t a straight road and she has to commit to it herself. You’re going to have the really tough choice of staying or not. Protecting your child with or without her. Making choices for the best outcomes are hard and no one but you and your support network will know enough to give you actual sound advice.
Open communication. If she isn’t in therapy beyond her treatment seems like family therapy could be beneficial. Frank and honest discussions. Not being gas lit when you SEE what is happening and she says it’s something different will cause more friction but may be needed.
Best of luck, what a rough road you have to go through. Hope you have the support you need.
I appreciate the kind words. We’ve done couples’ counseling in the past and I’m considering bringing it up again.
RA is Rheumatoid Arthritis? Her joints hurt and it feels like she’s burning alive from the inside out? That’s how I feel, though I don’t have RA specifically. I do have other autoimmune problems though, and I think we’re eventually going to confirm that RA, fibromyalgia and other autoimmune diseases are just different expressions of the same problems.
I’ve been in chronic pain for most of my life, getting worse as I aged. Doctors were not very helpful until I got the right ones, but even then I had to do a lot of the work on my own.
If she’s in chronic pain and her diet is shit, then I’d bet you dollars to donuts it’s because of that (perhaps coupled with autoimmune issues). I recently had a Mediator Release Test done which measures food sensitivity. There are a ton of things that I eat on a regular basis that I didn’t know were bad for me, and I’d already stopped eating gluten a year ago.
I can’t have corn, soy, beans, jalapeños, sunflower, wheat, chicken, cheddar cheese (specifically), mushrooms, etc. Do you know how hard it is to find prepared foods that don’t contain any of those things? Nigh impossible.
I’m doing my best to get all of it out of my diet though because I can’t stand to live in so much pain all the time. It eats who you are as a person no matter how tough you think you are. Eventually it changes your brain to be wired differently.
Even if food isn’t what’s causing her problems, consider having her (and you too) read the book Back In Control by Dr. David Hanscom. It’s not just about back pain even though Dr. Hanscom is a back surgeon. He’s been through suicidal levels of chronic pain, driving him into unemployment and despair. He found his way back, and in the book he outlines the steps to get out of the Abyss your wife is in. The book should help her see straight enough to be able to do the work it’s going to take for her to get better. It’s possible I’d be dead today and not able to tell you about all this had it not been for that book - though it was only a starting point.
I’m cutting off my wall of text here, but if you have questions or whatever, let me know.
That sounds like a difficult situation and you sound like a very supportive partner. There never seems to be a “one size fits all” solution, but I’ll try to offer some of my experience.
I am a nurse and have given many many pain medications (obligatory: this is not medical advice). I have never had cancer, but have been told by patients that cancer pain and fatigue can be grueling. I have also given opioids to people that have used a few times and had been actively withdrawing. Their tolerance can sometimes be incredibly high, especially with heroin. Like, doses that would sedate or kill a large adult can barely change their perception of pain. It’s honestly a nightmare for treating their pain, because it’s a tight range for safety.
All that to say, absolutely talk to a pain management MD and include her history of heroin and cancer. There may be alternatives like ketoralac or cannabis that could give her actual relief. They will be familiar with navigating “managing the pain without getting them high.” From the context you gave, it sounds like she may have actually had unrelieved pain and resorted to what she knows works. Extreme stressors can be triggering that way.
She is acknowledging what happened and working with you, so that’s a good sign. The angriest and worst people I’ve ever dealt with were withdrawing from opioids, so the crankiness isn’t unexpected. Do your best not to take it personally and keep reassuring her that you’re going to do your best to be there for her.
Just be cautious not to enable. I had to think to myself what I truly would and would not do for my family member (eg, no lending of money, would not buy them drugs) and stick with those things no matter what. Because a craving will use literally any excuse or crack in the logic to get the relief they desire. The part you mention “enough not to be jonesing” and the irritably sound concerning and could honestly be excuses. But you also don’t want to belittle the person’s experience if they are actually having that pain. That’s where the pain management doc would probably help. And just point out to her that if she’s not getting the right pain management or not able to function with the rest of life, some help is needed.
And be careful not to emphasize to the point that it fatigues you. I am an empathetic person and found myself with no time or energy left because I gave my family member a “blank check” for support. Make sure you recharge yourself, how ever you do that.
I hope any of that helps. Feel free to message me if you’d like.
