• MeowZedong@lemmygrad.ml
    14·
    7 months ago

    I’m demi, so I feel like I’m very picky, but not actively so. I don’t connect with as many people as connect with me even on a friendship level, so the pool of people that I’m actively interested in is very small. Online dating sucks for me now. It was much better back when people invested more of themselves into their profiles, like on OKC before swiping apps. Now I mostly stick to in-person.

    What I want isn’t particularly picky: someone with similar humor, someone who treats others well, someone who likes me for me. They don’t even need to be a commie. I have physical preferences, but the connection is the biggest factor.

    When I was younger, I wasn’t picky and chose very bad matches due to some trauma. If someone liked me, that was good enough. Sex usually end up leaving me feeling more empty than I started unless I already had strong feelings for that person. Sex with someone I had strong feelings for when we were at odds made me feel further from them too. If I hadn’t experienced connection with someone before, I may have come to the conclusion that I was ace.

    I spent over a decade cycling through unhealthy relationships before I had one that ended in a healthy way. It was like a lightbulb in my head lit up when I realized relationships didn’t have to be actively painful and dramatic, things might just not work out and you can both walk away amicably. The only pain there was loneliness after it ended with a talk that made us realize we wanted different things.

    Another decade helped me grow personally, learn to be comfortable alone, learn how to build healthy, platonic relationships with women, and learn to set healthy boundaries while dating. I’m much more comfortable with myself now and have built deeper relationships too.

    I’m of the opinion now that finding how to like and forgive yourself for your struggles is a key part of growing up. It seems like many people try to heal their wounds through romantic relationships, which isn’t fair to yourself or your significant other. It doesn’t mean you can’t get support, just that you are the only one who can work through your struggles and you must hold yourself accountable. Build yourself up so you can do the same for your partner.

    I don’t think it could work for me with someone who hasn’t found at least some peace being alone. I see it in some of my friends to this day and I hope they’ll find that peace at some point too.

        • SadArtemis🏳️‍⚧️@lemmygrad.ml
          6·
          7 months ago

          If not in appearances alone, which would be shallow (though appearance does matter to some fair degree to me at least all the same- it’s just not the end all be all, but attraction at least has to exist to get together with someone on my end) when choosing friends, partners, or associates, I don’t see how one could simply avoid quantifying people, in all the other categories. It’s literally necessary for survival, if nothing else- everyone judges others and acts accordingly. People shouldn’t be rating others on a number scale or whatever, but in regards to things that seriously matter (in particular in regards to behavior and beliefs) - there always has to be standards.

          As I see it, there are good morals (or ones I agree with, anyways- I don’t think I’d say I believe in absolutes or “universal values” and all the reactionary garbage that comes with it, rather the opposite) and bad ones, for instance. There are people who are a waste of my time or excessive risk for countless other reasons. People who won’t interest me due to incompatibility for various reasons, etc. Perhaps (definitely) some of it is problematic and I’m aware of it and try to counteract it some, but then on the other hand some of it is if anything the opposite- the result of learning what I want to put up with, and the result of getting better about things and gaining if anything, an intolerance for shitty behavior.