My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
Have him read your post (as a letter?) on his own time, while you have explained beforehand that you wrote this while filled to the brim with love for him?
This is great. OP is at the end of their rope, pleading to strangers for help at this point. He will understand that, surely, conceptually. OP does not out their partner in any way.
This feels like a good way to open the conversation, in my opinion.
Like I mentioned in my reply to the original comment, this is a terrifying thought. Your support is helping sway me in that direction. Thanks for your response.
My pleasure. Like you said in your response. You were hoping to be anonymous so you could be completely honest.
Completely honest.
That’s what I feel is best when it comes to these things. Something has to give, and you have to be honest about it. It’s scary but necessary.
I’ve done some similar complete honesty stuff in my relationship when my partner was completely stressed out and I felt like this won’t work out unless we talk and I lay everything on the table about how I feel.
It was nothing but positive, in the end. Knowing what feelings your partner has is very important.
I wish you the very best!
This response has terrified me the most. I guess it’s because I didn’t write this post with the thought that he’d see it. On the contrary, I was relying on the full anonymity for me to be honest, and for me to receive honest responses.
That being said, maybe you’re onto something… these are my unfiltered thoughts and feelings, and I truly do feel nothing but love for him.
I’ll need to think about this suggestion more.
Thank you very much for the response.