My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
I absolutely feel for you. It can be so distressing to be with someone who simply refuses to address their issues.
Unfortunately, you can’t make him do anything he doesn’t want to do. He will not get better unless he makes an effort to do so. You can give all the love and support you can, but there’s a point where he simply needs to professional help in order to be healthy, for the sake of both of you.
He’s hurting you. Maybe/probably not on purpose, but it’s not right.
You need to address that, first and foremost— that you are being hurt by the behavior that’s manifesting as a result of his past. You understand it, but you are not equipped to help him heal. If the both of you want to maintain a relationship, he needs to see a professional who can help him through this process. You will be there to support him through that, but, as it stands, you are being hurt if he continues down this road.
If he cares about you and your well-being, he should absolutely go. Is his “pride” worth more than the person he loves dearly?
There’s lots of things you are able to fix on your own, but there are cases when you really need to get help from someone who has more in-depth training and tools to deal with more complex issues. Mechanics, HVAC, doctors, electricians, therpists… they can help. And it’s okay to get help.
I hope that the both of you are able to find peace, no matter what happens.
Thank you very much for your response. To a large extent, you’re echoing what I know to be true. It’s a hard reality to face, but I appreciate you taking the time to emphasize this for me.
You are very very seen.
Don’t be afraid of the future, no matter what it may hold. And remember that you and your well-being are also important.