My husband is clearly depressed. He is also a proud man, and some degree of old-fashioned. I am 4 years younger than him, and am far more open to the idea of therapy and medication.
For context, he has dealt with his dad (whom he was close with) committing suicide when he was a teenager, a long-term girlfriend (whom he really wanted to marry) cheating on him with multiple men (including a good friend at the time) for years, and his best friend of 10 years (my brother) dying in a rafting accident that we were both part of. I’ve been struggling personally myself, but I have a few different things I’m trying, including therapy. He is unwilling to try therapy or medication, but isn’t getting better, cause holy shit, that’s a lot of unprocessed shit to deal with.
It’s manifesting in really nasty ways, and hurting both of us. I don’t think he means the things he says; I think he’s hurting a lot and doesn’t know what to do.
For what it’s worth, I really have not been great to him or myself. I’ve been dealing with my own emotional baggage, but I’m not going to get into that. I’m working on it, and feel like after many years of work, have come through a breakthrough where I understand that I do in fact want this person in my life.
How can I help guide him to anything that will help him? Doesn’t need to be therapy, medication, or a psychiatrist. Those do seem like the obvious answers, but I’m open to virtually any suggestions.
This man is amazing and a wonderful person, but he’s really struggling and doesn’t seem to want help, but at the same time, seems like he needs/wants help. Any thoughts?
Edit: I’m really touched by all of the thoughtful responses I’ve received. I don’t like to talk about my marital issues with people in my life, and I know my husband wouldn’t want others to know what he’s struggling with. This is a great community.
I’m slowly working my way through each response. Seriously - thank you all.
Remember that therapy isn’t for everyone, especially not for people who don’t want to go to it. There needs to be a will to change things, comming from inside them, and it needs to work out with them in particular. It helps some people, but isn’t a requirement. Also, remember that you can’t really force someone out of depression, or that you can help them yourself really. It is not you failing your husband when he doesn’t get better, it’s not your fault that he reacts to you in a certain way. The best things you can do is be a loving wife that supports him. There is no additional burden on you to cure him. Take care of yourself first. Don’t be their psychiatrist / therapist, you are not trained to be one and you can say “I don’t want to talk about this at this moment” when you are at your low yourself.
Reading your response has made me a bit self-reflective. As I mentioned in my post, I have not been great to him. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a little over 1.5 years, and it took a huge toll on me. What I went through is nothing compared to many other people, but it was enough to be something that damaged me. Because of this, I’ve struggled to understand the very message you wrote to me. Thank you so much for what you said.
That being said, he means so much to me. I agree that in general, one shouldn’t go to detrimental lengths for others without keeping themselves in mind, but he has genuinely done that for me. I feel like it’s my turn to do that for him.
But building off what you said, it doesn’t need to be a vicious cycle. We both need to learn to love ourselves, so we can love each other properly. I fully believe we will get there - it’s just a little rough right now.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. It’s helped deepen my feelings of love and support for this man.