I watched the video linked above yesterday morning, and it really blew my mind. I’m still processing it and would love to discuss it with you all.
It’s 08m04s, no music, sound effects, startles, or sponsor shit, just a late-diagnosed woman discussing a revelation she had about communication differences.
She explains it better than I will, but to give you the overview, she thinks that allistics prioritize the parts of the communication process this way:
- feelings
- social context
- information exchange
and autistics instead do
- information exchange
- social context
- feelings
The way she explains it (and the examples she gives) makes so much sense to me. Idk yet how to incorporate that new understanding into my attempts to communicate with allistics, but wow, yeah, this extremely simple difference blew my mind and seems obvious in retrospect.
Fuck. That puts a lot of things into perspective.
Someone in my family once said “I dont think you are capable of love the way normal people are” and it was incredibly hurtful. Based on the context I’m pretty sure they didn’t say it to hurt me but I can’t be sure. But I still spend more time trying to figure out what they meant by it than being sad or hurt that they said it.
at 2:15 there’s a section on how this might make it easier for autistic people to change our minds/lives when presented with new information, and I feel like that really goes well with some of the stuff I’ve heard from Dr Price and others about why so many autistic people aren’t cis or straight - social context matters less to us than true information
and 3:45 explains small talk in a way that finally makes me understand it 🤯🤦
2:15 also makes everything make sense with why so many people seem to react very weirdly (to me) when given new information. Like, if given new and better information, you’d change your mind (and ultimately, at least eventually, be happier for it). BUT NO ONE ACTUALLY DOES THIS. THEY’LL SAY “NO” AND START IGNORING YOU. it’s always been so incredibly confusing for me. Like the backfire effect. How could it possibly be that proving to somebody they’re wrong make them more confident?
Why isn’t everyone autistic this would be so much easier.
Edit: ranting about the backfire effect. And everyone who explains it has a moment where they’re like “but actually it makes sense because it makes them feel less secure in their position and stupid so they just have to double down to save face.” like no wtf? If I felt less secure in my position, and stupid for having it, I’d change it. Because it’s wrong, I know that, and I feel bad for having it. I certainly wouldn’t go forward with that position in the future!
I think it’s the innate herd mentality. Someone in the comments expanded on it saying that if a person above them in the social hierarchy gives them new information they will immediately accept it, with or without evidence. This is the sort of thing that critical thinking should overcome but look at the state of western education lmao. I like to say that allistics lack empathy because they replace reality with their own made up bullshit and this has caused me a lot of pain and suffering throughout my life.
allistics lack empathy
I kinda think so.
I am starting to believe that they’re actually less truly empathetic than autistic people, they’re just more performatively empathetic in certain social contexts, which makes them seem more empathetic to other allistics.
I’m sorry, allistics, performative??? That would never happen!!!
And everyone who explains it has a moment where they’re like “but actually it makes sense because it makes them feel less secure in their position and stupid so they just have to double down to save face.” like no wtf? If I felt less secure in my position, and stupid for having it, I’d change it. Because it’s wrong, I know that, and I feel bad for having it.
100%
it’s always been baffling to me, but if they really value how they feel over what they know, it does finally make sense
It doesn’t make it seem less foolish to me, tbqh, but I guess I at least understand the why finally
I found YouTube links in your comment. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Link 1:
Link 2:
She’s right and this fucks
I will simply not incorporate this new understanding, I will instead continue to antagonise neurotypicals inadvertently cause fuck em. NTs are such nerds.
that uh, resonated more than I expected
I don;t think I’m autistic but maybe somewhere on the spectrum because wow if that isn’t me, and my mom, to a T. chronically upsetting/putting off neurotypical ppl by putting the information exchange first and up front. She has a habit of asking extraordinarily blunt questions to the point of being kinda blindsiding
Have you taken the CAT-Q, which is geared towards high-masking individuals? My score on it surprised me; I expected to score somewhere in the autistic range, but I was much higher than I thought I’d be.
hahah fuck okay well
I was much higher than I thought I’d be.
yeah same.
also interesting to see the NB scores broken out. would be interested to know if the same applies to binary trans ppl
I feel like allistics often prioritise social context over feelings.
This was pretty helpful to think on. I remember times where I felt a social disconnect when I told the truth or informed about something. I wasn’t trying to one-up. I just wanted to explain I understood something someone else experienced.
Or I came off as too obsessed with minutiae when I wanted to clarify something.
Same! And I really need to understand why we do things a certain way before the how of it will make sense to me or stick very well in my head.
Interesting. Thanks for sharing
I found YouTube links in your post. Here are links to the same videos on alternative frontends that protect your privacy:
Link 1:
Link 2:
