First I’ll say that I was in a similar but ultimately better situation that yourself; Coming out of highschool I had a lot of relationships where I didnt get anything i really wanted out of them. My mother was never really present in my life and my step mother is what i’d also call abusive, and my father nor anyone else was able to really tell me what to do or how to feel about a lot of what was happening in my life. Later I just straight up didnt get women’s romantic attention until years later i finally found someone that I feel like treats me right and even then its been a long road to get what I want out of relationships with women.

For a lot of that time I also harbored some really backwards ideas and never felt totally comfortable around women when all this time it felt like I needed to manipulate them to get what I want. It eventually came to me that “what good was this idea when it didnt get me anything?” What really worked best for me (poor so i couldnt afford therapy) was to just talk to the people i would meet in my life. I was got along better with women so i naturally formed a lot of relationships with them, especially women who had stable relationships but still were navigating there own problems with that, it gave me a really good sounding board to air out my feelings and learn how to talk about them. I was attending art classes at a community college at that point and could also kind of work out my emotions in crafts and art and talk to people for hours at a time if necessary.

I dont know if this helps much but if you want to talk to me about it I’m always here for a comrade