This summer, a friend called in a state of unhappy perplexity. At age 47, after years of struggling to find security in academia, he had received tenure. Instead of feeling satisfied, however, he felt trapped. He fantasized about escape. His reaction had taken him by surprise. It made no sense. Was there something wrong with him? I gave him the best answer I know. I told him about the U-curve.
Not everyone goes through the U-curve. But many people do, and I did. In my 40s, I experienced a lot of success, objectively speaking. I was in a stable and happy relationship; I was healthy; I was financially secure, with a good career and marvelous colleagues; I published a book, wrote for top outlets, won a big journalism prize. If you had described my own career to me as someone else’s, or for that matter if you had offered it to me when I was just out of college, I would have said, “Wow, I want that!” Yet morning after morning (mornings were the worst), I would wake up feeling disappointed, my head buzzing with obsessive thoughts about my failures. I had accomplished too little professionally, had let life pass me by, needed some nameless kind of change or escape.
Meh, pretty thin discussion of midlife crisis. And focusing on “happiness” isn’t a great way to measure anything.
It seems the midlife crisis comes about because many people “hit their stride” in middle age. All they’ve known to that point is struggle.
By middle age, the kids are mostly grown (or at least self-sufficient for managing their day and don’t “need” mom and dad like toddlers do), you know yourself pretty well, work has become less challenging (it’s wash/rinse/repeat).
You’ve been pushing against a wall for decades, now the wall isn’t there, or it’s less important to you, and you don’t know what to do now - there’s a loss of meaning because of this change in perspective.
Meaning in life comes from such things - facing challenges. Without the challenges to which one becomes accustomed, people are adrift for a bit.
Totally agree. For me (older millennial) it’s starting because I have time back to finally do things. My kids are old enough to take care of themselves. They have friends and are out doing their own things.
So hell yes I want a toy car again. I gave my previous one up 15 years ago. Yes I’m getting back into wood working and welding. I did that stuff with my dad because of his work when I was a teenager and loved making stuff.
This is it. I hit middle aged and wanted a new career challenge. I got it, excelled more than I expected (the peer competition out there sucks ya’ll), and had more time on my hands than I have had for decades. Kids old enough, etc. I had to sit down and decide to stop wasting the day reading the web/social media, and take on some hobbies. Helped immensely. Oh and that new impractical Mazda we bought is fun as hell to drive (most cars are too watered down and boring).