My boyfriend told me I’m a doormat. I’m way too shy, I have no friends, I never had, always been some kind of social outcast, except I never did anything. I was just way too quiet, so much that I’m almost nonverbal. I can speak but rather avoid it if I can, my voice is too high-pitched and people made fun of me because of that, among other things. They always found something to mock me for, for being flat, skinny, having bangs, not having bangs, having freckles, using glasses, looking weird without glasses, using too much eyeliner, looking ugly without makeup, etc. I left my parents at 18, I think they never said something nice to me, at least not that I can remember, I started going to a free college and living in a shared student room.

I started seeing my now boyfriend at the campus, noticed him because was way too cute, but could never reach him, he studies my same career, but he just started. I was looking at him every day, just couldn’t forget about him. But I was too scared to talk to him. It was like this for months, I felt like a stalker. One day he was at a table studying. The next day, he was at the same table, the day after that, he was at the same table. I saw it was a pattern, so I built up my courage and went to the table, and asked if I could sit next to him. He said yes, so I got my book and started studying next to him.

I most been so nervous, because after some minutes he spoke to me to ask me if I was ok. I just said “yeah”. He asked me if I was in a higher semester in the same career, I said yes, and then asked for my name, he introduced himself, and then asked me for help because he understood nothing. Took me like a minute to answer but I said yes. I spent the following 30 minutes explaining him that he couldn’t understand, then he thanked me and left.

The next day he was at the same place, saw me from the distance and waved me from the distance. I sat next to him and let me study in peace, until he asked for my help a few times.

The next week happened the same, except some of his classmates came along and sat at the table, I was uncomfortable, but they were nice to me. The following days, he was asking me to be with him at the campus, and even had lunch together. I started to feel in love with him but couldn’t act on my feelings, but I had a friend now. However, I’m stupid so I decided to risk it. I wrote a near 9 pages letter explaining my feelings, and apologizing on advance for pretty much everything. I had that letter sitting on my desk for weeks, until I gather enough courage to give it to him. I just told him I needed to tell him something, then we sat, and have him the letter, I was so scared, near an anxiety attack, figuring out what to do in every scenario, and preparing myself for the worst! But he finished reading, then said “You are so sweet”. I cried, don’t know why, but he put my hand in my shoulder and said “It’s ok, don’t worry”.

We didn’t date right away, we stayed as normal for a while, but we got more affective. I started to feel comfortable walking with him grabbing his arm, one day he kissed me in the cheek, and some days later, gave me a real kiss. He saw a froze and started apologizing, but I told him it was ok. Days later he asked me in advance if he could kiss me and I said yes.

Like one week later, he asked me if I wanted to spend the night with him. He was living in a single bedroom place that belonged to his parents. It was nice, we watched Your Name, then A Silent Voice, and we watched the first chapter of Komi can’t communicate, he said that I was like a “IRL Komi”, I told him wanted to watch something else, it was painfully relatable, except i’m not hot at all, so we watched Kikki Delivery Service until I felt asleep… in his arms. I woke up early in the morning in his bed, but he was not there, I went out and he was sleeping in the sofa.

The month after that, he asked me about my place, and I told him about it. He said that I shouldn’t be sharing a room with 3 other women, so offered me to stay at his place, he would ask her parents, and buy a bigger bed if that’s what I wanted. I didn’t have a response that day, but that week my roommates managed to piss me off so I said yes. His parents did put a condition that they wanted to meet me before letting me move in, so we arranged the meeting. His parent’s home was about 1 and a half hours away, and they were so nice to me, but his dad is harsh! and have strong conservative values, but his mom is, more like my boyfriend, I felt so good having a talk with her, is a truly compassionate person.

Then I moved in with him. It felt like we are moving too fast, but I was so happy. He always makes sure that I feel good and respects my boundaries. However, it took like 2 more months for me to feel comfortable to be in underwear in front of him, some more weeks to start having intimacy, and then sex. He already had experience and I was scared to disappoint him, but he understood and told me “you will learn more overtime, don’t worry”.

He has been my voice when we are in public, for example he deals with the cashiers for me, and many other circumstances. I feel bad that he has to do it because I have a hard time dealing with people, but I’m grateful.

Sorry for all this rambling, so let me tell you about the incident of the title.

He came home and said that needed to talk to me, I was fearing for the worst, have I done something to upset him? Did he get tired of me? Found a better girl than me and wants to kick me out? He saw my face and told me “don’t worry, it’s nothing bad, but I need to talk to you”. I do actually have kinks but haven’t told him any of them yet, because I’m not sure if he might be into them, so we do vanilla for now.

We sat together and he said how much he loves me, and how he has been helping me because I’m his whole world, but I need to start speaking for myself. He called me a doormat, said it was harsh to say it that way, but is true. He is worried that because I don’t know how to socialize, I’m becoming emotionally dependent on him, and that might not be healthy in the long run.

I started crying, because I know is true and I felt bad for not doing something about it. He said wanted to help me, he can pay for therapy, but needs to push me more into speaking for myself and that I need to stand up for myself. He said had these thoughts for a while, and showed me some texts with his dad. His dad said “Good lord you found a mute for a girlfriend, she will give you such an easy life son, I wish I had married a mute so I would have a happier marriage”. He said that was so offender by what his dad said, and if he thinks that way, other people might think that I’m a pushover. He also told me that from the outside, our relationship looks concerning, it might look like I’m in an abusive controlling relationship, just for the issue that I don’t speak, stare at the floor, and he speaks for me. Is not good if people think I’m an abuse victim.

I said I can clear up any misunderstanding, explaining how well he treats me and how happy I am, but he said that it’s the same speech every abused woman in denial has. I guess he is right. I think i’ve been too happy in my own bubble, and some people might think that our relationship might sound too good to be true.

I still feel bad, but he just wants to help me, he was hugging me a lot ever since, to make me feel better. I need to work on myself, and I acknowledge that I’m too much of a doormat, too shy and too submissive. I have no idea how he felt in love with me or what I’ve done to deserve him but I gotta work on myself for him too. I can’t let this relationship die because of me.

Rereading what I wrote this relationship sounds too good to be true, but it makes me feel so grateful to have my boyfriend in my life, I know I’m below his league and maybe other men would have dumped me way too earlier, but he is still willing to help me, and I can not disappoint him.