My kid starts kindergarten soon. I have already coached them on how to handle those situations.

This probably isn’t the best solution for a lot of reasons but I don’t really care because of how I grew up getting the shit kicked out of me, and it only stopped once I started fighting back.

I have told them if they get hit or bullied physically, to grab the other kid and beat them in their face as hard as they can.

It happened once in daycare where another kid tried to put mine into a headlock, my kid retaliated in kind and started punching the other kid in the face until they got separated.

Obviously this isn’t the best solutions but schools, as we see, don’t punish bullies as often as they should and the receiver of the bullying gets punished instead. I have been on the receiving end of this myself, even when I didn’t fight back.

I’m willing to go to court over this, and have the means to fight it if I needed to. Which kinda helps my decision to teach my kid what I have.

Now, all of that being said I have absolutely taught them that the first option no matter what is to try to walk away and find a teacher if you haven’t been physically attacked yet.

It IS 100% THE SCHOOLS RESPONSIBILITY to handle these situations. If this is the second time, then you need to get the administrators involved if they haven’t been already. If they have, then ask them what they are going to do to ensure that the situation is handled and doesn’t happen again.

If it happens again after that, go above the local administration to the school board. Do some research find out who the chain of command is and start following it up if necessary. Try to make communication over email, or document everything, have a paper trail, ask for copies of the procedures they are taking, make them physically provide you with an outline or plan of what they are going to do. Put their backs up against a wall so they understand that you are determined to hold them accountable for how they handle the situation.

I know the other child may not have the best situation, but you unfortunately don’t know if that is or isn’t the case, and your priority is your child first. It can be a bit painful to think about, but the reality is that you want to protect your child.

But for the extreme situations, teach or have someone teach your child how to defend themselves.

The kid supposedly just walked up and punched my kid in the cheek in class, and chased them with scissors just a few days ago (corroborated by the teacher).

I’d want to know if this kid is doing this to the other kids in the room, or just yours. So, is it targeted, or is this kid a general terror? Your kid probably has a good sense which one it is.

Also, it’s not clear to be but are these two separate incidents separated by “just a few days”, or did both those things happen “just a few days ago”? If this is two offenses, I would most likely be talking to the teacher at a minimum.

I know shit happens, and they’re a resilient kid, so it’s not too big a deal. But I also want to raise hell to get this kid away from them. What’s the next incident going to be?

How does it make your kid feel? They might be resilient outwardly, but I would wonder if they’re internalizing some feelings about it. You would obviously know better than me. Being chased with scissors (even if they are just safety scissors) paints a serious image.

I understand the structural and societal issues here - the kid probably doesn’t have a great home life, and the school doesn’t really have anything they can do that will help him.

We can be sympathetic to the aggressive kid while still seeking the safety of our own.

Walking a dual path here might be helpful. On one path, try and work through the system in the school, and figure out what that system is (if anything). On the other, talk with your kid about this student, who the student is being aggressive towards, and discuss ways your kid could become a less desirable target. There is also power in numbers, and if this kid is picking on other kids, it might be worth it to ask your kid to talk to those other kids too. Build solidarity with anyone else being harassed.

It’s also worth it to keep your kid informed about what you’re doing on the other path, and why. We know that in many cases, kids who defend themselves against aggression are often lumped together with the aggressor because “all violence is bad.” This means, unfortunately, you have to be building a case along the way. Taking it a step at a time, documenting phone calls and emails, and escalating to higher authorities when you hit roadblocks shows that you’re trying to “Play by the rules”. So when your kid decides to defend themselves physically, you can point to this history and your documentation showing that not many other options were left on the table.

Nobody protects kids who are the victims. It’s sad but true and it carried into adulthood. It might sound barbaric but martial arts, boxing, these things are life changers for kids who are on the receiving end of violence because the principals and teachers can’t or won’t do anything.

When I was in 5th grade a kid let me borrow a cassette tape, that I then lost somewhere. He started leaving messages on my parents answering machine like, “You better bring my tape tomorrow, or I’ll beat your ass”. My parents were always on me about losing stuff, so I felt like I couldn’t tell them I lost the tape, so I lied and said I never had it. I wasn’t being bullied, but my dad thought I was.

My dad tried was trying to get me to stand up to the kid, but I wasn’t equipped for that. It made everything worse. I probably could have talked my way out of it or avoided it, but my dad was insistent on meeting violence with violence. He basically bullied me to make calls to the kid and threaten him back. Of course it was completely unconvincing because I cried through it. It traumatized me and made me actually get bullied at school.

That’s not really an answer to the question, I just wanted to give my input that not every kid is capable of fighting back against bullies. I think sometimes you can only try to get the school to intervene.

When that happened to me in kindergarten I broke the bully’s nose.

I did not go back to that school.

Drastic as it may sound @[email protected] is right. Make sure your kid knows that physically defending yourself is 100% valid.

If this kid has threatened your child with scissors and already been the first to strike, fuck em. The sooner these little shits learn the law of fuck around and find out the better.

Same as everyone else. The only way to stop bullying is to make the bully afraid of you. Not sure anything else has ever worked.

Go jump their parents and tell them to raise their kid correctly

Kids are way more likely to listen to their parents than the school

First, I would recommend not taking parenting advice from people jumping in who are clearly not parents, and also who seem like they have never been around children since they themselves were children judging by the harsh way they talk about them.

I’m not sure the exact age range we’re talking about, but it seems like we’re looking at elementary-school students, so the fact that people are coming out swinging with insults and promotion of violence is deeply troubling. I’m not sure about the country either, but wherever it is it seems quite likely that the teachers themselves are overworked, underfunded, and provided little to no support for actually addressing problems like this.

It’s fantastic that you are already open to considering what this other child is going through and aren’t immediately seeking to villainize him: what a lot of people don’t realize, and what a lot of schools aren’t equipped to handle, is that learning disabilities often present with behavioural issues. Without the proper resources, this becomes a difficult situation for everyone involved.

Now, as you rightly pointed out, the school likely has little they can do for this child whether the behaviour stems from issues at home, from an unaddressed learning disability, whatever. There are countless reasons that could lead to this, but very little that can be done to solve it the way our current system sets kids up to fail.

I normally wouldn’t bother with this preamble, as none of it relates to your parenting, but it’s pretty unnerving to see a bunch of people promoting violence among children. As the adults that should obviously not be something we encourage. I am not against teaching self-defense, of course, but self-defense does not come from actively escalating conflict. In fact, good self-defense also teaches de-escalation.

Your child’s safety is important. You need to assess whether this is a pattern: you described an incident (or potentially two incidents) in a very short time period. Do you know if this is an escalation of previous conflict? Do you know if anything triggered this escalation? Is there conflict with other children?

What methods does the teacher use to de-escalate conflict? Are there opportunities to make amends?

Depending on their age: are the children likely to be together unsupervised? Are they likely to be together outside of the classroom at all? These can help you gauge what the actual risk potential is.

And most importantly: how does your child actually feel? Do they feel targeted? Are they scared of this classmate? Is it possible that your anger about the incident is colouring your child’s reaction? It’s very easy to get lost in “parental protection” that places your own feelings and desires for your child’s welfare above the things your child thinks and feels about their welfare. They were the one present. They were the one hit. They are the one interacting with their classmate. What do they want?

These aren’t questions I’m looking for an answer to, they’re questions you need to ask to figure out the best way to keep your child safe. An important part of a child’s growth is providing them with an established support system where they feel safe to talk to you when conflicts arise: not because you necessarily have all the answers, but because you will let their feelings be what matters, and not swallow them with your own feelings. With your support, you can help your child navigate coming to their own conclusions about what would be a good solution going forward (is that avoiding the other student? is it learning to de-escalate or to recognize triggers? is it just…making up because it was a one-off thing and not a real pattern of bullying?).

As a parent it feels like you have to be able to swoop in and protect your child from the world, but most importantly is helping your child learn to face (or know when to walk away from) conflict so that they have the self-confidence to overcome friction with others on their own (and finding the help of adults/others is definitely still in the toolkit of “on their own,” because in a community we are never truly alone).

I got in two fist fights when I was in elementary school provoked by this kid that had a lot of issues. The other kid ended up getting the worst of it in both fights but even when it happened I kinda felt bad for him because he obviously wasn’t okay mentally and I didn’t enjoy hitting him. I don’t remember how my parents handled it but I would like to imagine they demanded a safe environment for me and an effort to address this other kid’s problems rather than just worrying about me and demonizing him.

Teach your child how and when to fight, when to flee, and when to talk to an authority, because those are important lessons to learn and they’ll probably need all of them one day, but dont be afraid to request the necessary care for this other kid either. Maybe the kid just needs to be talked to or maybe they need a serious intervention but either way it’s gonna be more likely to happen if you ask for it than if you don’t.

What was the punishment for all that? Sounds like that wasn’t punished much. So that means your kid is free to hit them back without much worry. I recommend teaching you child the self defence power of professional wrestling. Exaggeration aside, teaching them that pain and blood are tolerable and injury is unlikely. The world contains violence they are unable definitively avoid. And that working the crowd is the key to victory. Those lessons probably are important for a child growing up in our modern era

the school doesn’t really have anything they can do that will help him

I’m not a parent nor am I fit to ever be one but I’d suggest getting the school to step in. That other child seems to be a danger to every kid in the class and will probably grow up to be a dangerous person. If you’re friends with other parents maybe you could go as a group to demand the jobbers and hacks in the school administration to get off their useless asses and do something about this child safety risk.

Collin Farrell in True Detective