ANN ARBOR, MI—Noting the rapid increase among assholes who just don’t know when to quit it, an alarming report published Thursday by the University of Michigan found that the nation’s fuckers now have 83% more nerve. “Based on our data, we can see that over the last year there has been a threefold rise in […]

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… said lead researcher Christo Garcia, confirming that the nation’s fuckers were already 65% less likely to screw off and jump up their own asses than they were even six months ago.