I’m getting tired of being the household beast of burden. Last night I decided to try and make just ONE damned chore in the house equitable. I assigned one kid to empty the dishwasher, the other to fill it, and my husband to wash whatever large items wouldn’t fit in the dishwasher. We discussed it. He agreed it was fair. I HATE a dirty kitchen and can’t cook when it’s filthy and I’m tired of doing all the cleanup before slaving away at the stove and then repeating.
Spoiler: he did not wash the dishes. He played video games and then went to bed. I washed them this morning.
I was mildly annoyed (read this happens constantly so I’m used to it) and told him just now that since I washed those dishes, could he please put them away. He’s doing that now, but his response has me fucking fuming.
“Why wouldn’t you just wait until I washed them? Why did you HAVE to do the dishes just to make me feel bad about it?”
I was mildly annoyed before and now I’m just fucking furious. He has no idea why I would even consider that manipulative. I’m so mad right now I can’t even find the words to productively explain to him why that statement was so offside.
Help me, sisters. I can’t even find the words.
It might be a sense of entitlement that comes from being a member of the power majority in a patriarchal society. Men are not ususally used to being ordered around (starting from childhood, when compared to women) so any request to do something might be seen as authoritarian over-reach, whereas to someone who is not a member of the power majority, the same request would be normal. It’s not personal, it’s trained behavior. Hopefully it helps you both to communicate better if you take it from that angle.
I think there is a small bit of this. At one time I asked to switch our “jobs” because the “blue jobs” were basically cutting the lawn and taking out the trash once a week from the garage (he will rarely take the garbage out of the house unless it’s overflowing and he will never empty bathroom garbages). He freaked out and said it would emasculate him to take his man-jobs away.
I spend 30 hours a week on my chores on top of my jobs. He spends less than an hour and usually has to be nagged to do that.
How can you still love him? I mean, what do you actually like of this person after 15years like this? Sorry if it’s too personal, but I wonder :/