Hello!

My boyfriend (21) and I (21) have been in a relationship for almost 3 years. Due to a 3 hour distance we see each other once a week. We have been having issues for a couple of months because he got severely depressed and is very distant towards me. I try to support him as much as i can, even though it‘s hard sometimes. Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day and I always put in a lot of effort for his birthday (even though he rejected everything i planned this year because of his depression).

Anyways, i had an ex when i was 16-17, who was also my best friend and my neighbor. We started dating and he started doing heavy drugs. He was an alcoholic and an addict. He was in hospital 3 times for overdosing and due to all this he was also emotionally abusive. I carry a lot of trauma from that relationship, so my opinion of drugs (doesn‘t matter if it‘s weed or cocaine) is extremely not good. I hate it.

I told my boyfriend about this when we started dating and he agreed. A few months ago he went to the Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms. It bothered me a lot so I told him that I thought i made myself clear. He said he only tried it for fun and won‘t do it again.

Yesterday he confessed to me that he was taking lsd and mushrooms when he goes to work because he hates work so much and he also, a week ago, tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression) I was flabbergasted of course. Just a week ago we talked about how taking drugs is stupid if it‘s not for medical reasons (and even that was a compromise from my side). He agreed with me (while doing drugs daily) AND THEN THE NEXT DAY tried meth.

He had never done any of these things before and did them knowing how i feel about it and did it without considering my feelings. I feel betrayed because he lied to me for 2 months.

At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“. He said that it‘s easy to judge from the outside but i don‘t understand? i always consider him when i do things. I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun.

I would maybe have understood a little bit if he was doing it before we got together but he wasn‘t. He decided to do it and lie to me and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.

I am very lonely and i don‘t have anyone but him so I am laying in bed now thinking about what i should do. I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.

  • southsamurai@sh.itjust.works
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    3 months ago

    I mean, he’s got to be free to live his life and make his mistakes like anyone should be able to.

    And you need to bail now instead of later. This is a fundamental incompatibility. It isn’t something that can be talked away, or compromised on.

    While he’s free to make his choices, he lied, multiple times. That’s worse than what he was lying about. If you’re going to be ina relationship with someone that has disclosed their deal breakers clearly, up front, you don’t just hide things. You be an adult, and be up front that you don’t agree to that restriction, and you wish the other person well as you walk away.

    That isn’t easy, necessarily, but it’s the only healthy and respectful choice for both parties.

    You are not overreacting. Doesn’t matter what specific dealbreaker was ignored and lied about, home boy should have said no at the beginning like an adult. He needs time to explore, and grow up, and that time needs to be without you.

    You need and deserve a partner/boyfriend/SO that will be honest.

    Again, not easy, nobody likes a breakup. But it really is that simple.

  • klemptor@startrek.website
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    3 months ago

    Yeah, you’re overreacting a little, but more importantly, you can’t control him, nor should you want to. His decision to use drugs is his alone. What you can control is your involvement in the situation.

    Listen. You probably love this guy a lot, but he’s not giving you what you need at this point in your life:

    1. He’s too depressed to interact in the ways you need and the result is that he’s neglecting you (also, is he even trying to tackle his depression in any meaningful way? Therapy, medication, etc?)
    2. He’s making objectively poor decisions (fucking meth, ffs!)
    3. He lives too far away for a viable day-to-day relationship
    4. He’s not honest with you
    5. He’s distant and pushing you away

    And your reactions aren’t healthy. You’re upset that he’s doing things you don’t approve of, and you say:

    I would never do things i know he doesnt like for fun

    but this isn’t how healthy adult relationships work. You are too entangled and you’re blurring the lines between his preferences and yours.

    You can’t fix him. Think of this relationship like a broken vending machine. You put your dollar in, but it doesn’t give you the snack you’re trying to buy. So you put another dollar in, but your snack still doesn’t come out. How many dollars do you feed the machine before you accept that it’s broken? The analogy here is that you can pour all the love and caring you want into this relationship, but it isn’t leading to the result you want. You’re in a relationship but still deeply lonely, and your partner is doing things that actively cross a line with you. Don’t keep wasting your emotional energy.

    At this point, staying with him because you’ve been together for nearly 3 years is a sunk cost fallacy. It’s really unlikely that things will improve with him at this point, and staying together just keeps you stuck in a bad situation, preventing you from finding someone who actually meets your needs.

    You know you ought to break up with him. You can still care about him from afar, but you need to disentangle from him. He is his own responsibility, not yours. And it’s OK to be single for a while! I would urge you not to jump into another relationship straight away. Right now, unhealthy relationship patterns are normal for you, so you should take time to process and recover, don’t just rebound. This will help you find a healthy, mature partner when you do start dating again. And you deserve a fulfilling, healthy relationship!

    Good luck!

  • givesomefucks@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    OP makes these posts. That to put it in the most polite way possible; dont seem to have any basis in fact.

    Then they refuse to take anyone’s advice, delete the the thread (they leave the comments), then a few weeks later makes another unbelievable post.

    Like, OP if any of anything you’ve ever typed is true, and every time every response is:

    You’re basically children, just break up

    Why the fuck do you bother staying together and then make new posts like you give a single fuck what anyone is going to tell you?

    Because to be honest I think you’re just making stories up, but at this point that’s the only option that makes you look good.

    I’m just blocking now tho, these aren’t getting any better.

  • viking@infosec.pub
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    3 months ago

    This is fucked up and you need to get out of that relationship ASAP. LSD and meth just to get through work? That’s insane. At 21, you leaving him might be the wakeup call he needs. But if you stay with him, your own sanity plus most likely future are on the line. Save yourself.

  • SatansMaggotyCumFart@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    He crossed your boundaries and being involved with people who are getting involved with meth is no fun.

    I’d suggest you walk away and go no contact because things are going to get messy.

  • vzq@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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    3 months ago

    First, dump his ass, and dump him fast. He’s on a sharp downward trajectory and you don’t want to be there for that.

    Second, there’s a bit in your post that could be read in a way that suggests you oppose the use of prescription medication. If that’s the case, you might want to address that sooner rather than later.

    • Jezza @lemmy.worldOP
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      3 months ago

      Oh i could have worded that a little differently. I don‘t oppose the use of prescription medication at all. My boyfriend had told me that people micro dose lsd and mushrooms for medical reasons and it helps with anxiety and depression, so i said that that‘s okay. Prescription medication is not an issue at all, self medicating with lsd and mushrooms kinda is to me but i understand how it might help some people.

      • vzq@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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        3 months ago

        Ah, yes, of course.

        I’m sorry if I reacted a bit strongly. I’m seeing more and more “big pharma skeptics”, especially after the COVID disinfo onslaught. Generally, not taking meds is a good way to end up in an early grave with preventable medical issues.

        But that’s not the case, so carry on ;)

  • K3zi4@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    As you are both quite young, I hope this doesnt come across as patronising but there are a few points in what you have said there that I think would be constructive to address. But take my opinion/advice however you will!

    Firstly, the most difficult one. You mentioned that he went to Netherlands and tried weed and mushrooms, he’s young, it’s his decision if he wants to experiment with those experiences, your comment that you “thought you made yourself clear” sounds quite controlling, and I would suggest reflecting on those impulses (I know they come from a positive place!) And ensuring that communication and compromise with partners in future is key to a healthy relationship. Likewise, if a partner wanted to control or limit your experiences in life. This may be worded poorly, but point is I would reflect on where these emotions and behaviours may be coming from within yourself and address this moving forward.

    With that our of the way, the REAL issue here. My assumption would be that this is an immature person, who was not quite ready enough to handle the experiences of these drugs and has become quickly addicted to the high and the escapism, with no impulse control over himself or his actions. In some ways, it can be beneficial to have these experiences in life now when young, as opposed to later, however, that is only if he can find a healthy way out. Judging by his experimenting with meth, I would say he’s likely past the point of being able to do that without proper medical assistance and counselling.

    BUT, that said, HE IS NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO FIX. It is not your fault. He is living his life the way he has chosen, and that does not align with your morals and values. You absolutely 100% should break up with him, ensuring that you put across that this is not what you are looking for in a partner, set your boundaries, express your concern for his wellbeing, and request that if he is not going to seek professional help then to be careful and safe. But after that, wipe the slate clean and move on.

    Yes, it’s extremely difficult emotionally, and you may feel like you are abandoning him, but you are not. He has made his choices and they have diverted from yours and he is, once again, not your responsibility!

    Better that way, in the hopes that he sees the error of his ways sooner and seeks help, because the alternative is you being dragged down with him. You need to be clear, firm, and set your boundaries that it is over, and BREAK CONTACT FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS. Do not get caught in the spiral, look after yourself and stay healthy!

  • Markus Sugarhill@discuss.tchncs.de
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    3 months ago

    What ever you decide, know that he probably won’t come off from meth. My best friend started using and I am kind of happy we do not live in the same country. He stays sober for weeks or even months. But then the inevitable happens again. He is probably better off than others, managing his addiction. But his depressions getting worse with every episode. That shit just fucks a brain.

    Personally I think it is difficult to leave people who need help. But your relationship might have to change to something different for your own sanity’s sake. He needs to choose to get help, and you need to make sure to take the space you need. I had to learn that by a very hard way.

    Good look, to you, and your friend. Just know., he is sick. Not a bad person. But then you can only do limited things to help.

  • TWeaK@lemm.ee
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    3 months ago

    Aside from him lying to you and breaking your boundaries, he’s quite clearly on a phase where he’s trying harder and harder things. Trying weed and mushrooms in Amsterdam is one thing, but more than likely he was doing those before and went there on a drug holiday. Taking LSD the way he is probably isn’t healthy either, but escalating to meth is another thing entirely.

    He’s not going to get better on his current track, no matter what you do. You need to cut him lose before he cheats on you with a meth head (if he isn’t already, we’ve already established he’s a liar).

  • mad_asshatter@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    You owe it to yourself, and only to yourself, to walk away.
    Immediately and quickly.

    This is not your burden to bear.

  • PineRune@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    I’m not a therapist or anything, so don’t weigh my words too heavily.

    I feel that if you truly love care about him, then you will do what you can to get him out of using drugs, such as treatment and therapy for the depression.

    On that same note, if he truly loves cares about you, he will listen and seek the help he needs.

    It doesn’t sound like an easy situation, being so far away, but something needs to be done at this point. [Edit] whether that be him getting clean or you leaving to focus on yourself.

    • goldenbug@fedia.io
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      3 months ago

      I can imagine you mean well but putting thing in terms of ‘if you truly love him’ is something that can be misconstrued so easily and for such a young person.

      • PineRune@lemmy.world
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        3 months ago

        Yeah, that’s a good point. I changed the original message to “care about” since it makes more sense after thinking about it.

  • lulztard@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    Psychedelica are very useful in cases of depression, PTSD and such. Methamphetamine is a stimulant that, I can imagine, makes it easier for a depressed person to get to work.

    All in all it’s not a sustainable situation to be in but since you live in the US he probably has no other choice than to keep it up -that- way.

    To make the situation more sustainable:

    • regulate the use of psychedelics into a medical treatment rather an coping mechanism, a single very high dose once a week is all it takes for a therapeutic effect
    • switch from methamphetamine to dextroamphetamine, which is basically an ADHD medication. Still potent, but non-toxic. Maybe check for ADHD if your boyfriend isn’t getting energy from it but rather feels relaxed and resilient.

    Work from there once the situation has stabilized and a constructive plan for the future has been built.

    • Jezza @lemmy.worldOP
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      3 months ago

      We actually live in Germany, which is why i don‘t feel like there is a need for self medication. We have free health care. He can get those medications for 5 euros from the pharmacy with a prescription from his mom who is a doctor, so a psychiatrist wouldn‘t even be necessary (imo still necessary but but he has easier access to it without finding a psychiatrist). I understand that it can help and he probably thought it was a way out for him but his circumstances really make it harder for me to grasp.

      • lulztard@lemmy.world
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        3 months ago

        I don’t know you or your boyfriend, the situation you’re in, the nuances and nature of your relationship or anything else. Therefore I’ll limit myself strictly to substancees you mentioned and the therapeutic potential behind them.

        Medication for ADHD is basically impossible to get in Germany if you don’t pay for it out of your own pocket at a private practitioner. Amphetamine, specifically dextroamphetamine, is a stimulant with serious risk of addiction and won’t be prescribed by anyone other than an expert psychiatrist and only after a rigorous testing. This is not something you can just get a prescription for.

        And anti-depressants oftentimes do have no positive effect while lowering the quality of life with a plethora of significant side effects. This is something that usually does not get talked about. If SSRI’s or SNRI’s don’t work for you, meaning your problem is not serotonine-based, you are fucked. This is not a joke.

        However, since you live in a country with a basic social security net, there are several options for your boyfriend like quitting his job for health reasons, using extended sick leave and several more.

        In regards of your relationship troubles: a possible way forward, should you two so choose, could be a single macrodose of LSD once a week, 200µg at the minimum. That alone will cut his depressive symptoms in half and will get him at a place to understand his own inner workings.

        All of that under the disclaimer that the use is therapeutic and constructive in intent, not abused as a coping and escape mechanism.

  • inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world
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    3 months ago

    tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression

    😳

    At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“.

    Gas lighting BS.

    and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.

    Girl, that’s something he needs to work out himself. This is something he needs therapy over and it’s a huge giant red ass flag for him not being ready for a relationships.

    I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.

    This is super fucked up and WAY MORE than enough reason to break up. Not to punish him but to protect yourself. Do you truly want to spend the next period of your life wondering if he was doing drugs three hours away? With that sort or commute you’ll be constantly forced to worry and wonder, this is such a massive breach of trust. Don’t fall for a sunk cost guilt trip, spending good years after bad with him hoping he improves will only breed resentment. Y’all don’t even have a basic framework of trust right now.

    And I know this is a cliche and you’re an adult. But God 21 is still young, don’t waste time with Meth heads when you could be spending it with someone who respects, understands and cares about your boundaries.

    GL Hon. I’m so sorry this is happening.

    • inb4_FoundTheVegan@lemmy.world
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      3 months ago

      Especially yesterday because it was my birthday and he didn‘t want to meet up due to his mental state. He also didn‘t talk to me all day

      That super sucks. Happy birthday btw! ♥

      tried meth (since then he hasn‘t been able to eat or sleep and he told me that it‘s because of his depression

      😳

      At first he tried to blame me for my reaction "that‘s why i can‘t tell u things like this“ and "you don‘t understand how i feel“.

      Gas lighting BS.

      and now he‘s telling me that he hates sober life.

      Girl, that’s something he needs to work out himself. This is something he needs therapy over and it’s a huge giant red ass flag for him not being ready for a relationships.

      I know i should break up but i need someone to tell me if this is fucked up or if i am just overreacting because i don‘t have anyone to confide in right now.

      This is super fucked up and WAY MORE than enough reason to break up. Not to punish him but to protect yourself. Do you truly want to spend the next period of your life wondering if he was doing drugs three hours away? With that sort or commute you’ll be constantly forced to worry and wonder, this is such a massive breach of trust. Don’t fall for a sunk cost guilt trip, spending good years after bad with him hoping he improves will only breed resentment. Y’all don’t even have a basic framework of trust right now.

      And I know this is a cliche and you’re an adult. But God 21 is still young, don’t waste time with Meth heads when you could be spending it with someone who respects, understands and cares about your boundaries.

      GL Hon. I’m so sorry this is happening.