Long story short: we have been meeting each other for a while for semi-professional reasons, around two years now, although we only got close in the recent months. We have a very strong group of friends thanks to which we interacted a lot recently.
A job-related difficult situation arose recently and we have been extremely supportive to each other. We talk for hours at night about what’s troubling us, we worry whenever one or the other is not in a good mood to extensive lengths. If she wakes up before me she always says good morning and ask me how’s things.
I always thought of her as “way out of my league”, and for this reason didn’t even approach the concept of a relationship until recently: she is very fit while I am on the softer side, and I don’t know what to think: she is extremely smart, intelligent, and would never reduce me down to my weight, but I do believe that looks play a part in all of this and honestly I believe myself as quite ugly. All of this didn’t deter me from getting extremely infatuated with her, up to the point where she’s all I can think about.
We’ll have some time next week to be just by ourselves; she hates to trouble others, but she agreed without much fuss to let me accompany her at an important meeting, adding she’d be delighted to have me there.
On one side we have this wonderful friendship, and I’d genuinely hate for it to crumble. We so often joke together and talk about important things and I worry, what if my feelings are exaggerated and they end up ruining everything? Should I just make them quiet down? Of course I am basing all of this on the concept of a sure rejection, but the chance for them not liking me in “that” way is so strong in my head that I am also quite paralyzed.
But then again, a few days ago she re-posted a messenger screenshot in which I appear with a colored heart next to my name, and my brain obviously yeehaw’ed right into over-analysis: wow! a heart!! But… is it colored because it is secondary, less important to the red one and thus indicating a strictly friendly relationship? Or maybe it’s a special color (it does have some meaning for us two, would rather not explain as that’d be too sensible of an information) and thus acquiring the opposite meaning? I guess I would have understood better if other close friends of her appeared in the screenshots, as to gauge whether or not they also had a heart next to their name, but that didn’t happen so I’m left with doubt.
Sorry for the rambly mess. Any suggestions and words about how to deal with this are more than welcome.
I think approaching this in a level-headed, communicative way is your best option. Steer clear of openly professing your love for them, just ask them if they’d be interested in going on a date. In your shoes, I’d also make it clear that I value their friendship, and if this isn’t something they’d be interested in the last thing you want to lose is a good friend. Feelings happen, handling them in mature way when they aren’t reciprocated is the key to not burning that bridge. No matter how bad a “no” might hypothetically feel, not knowing and living with that regret will always be worse. On your other notes about how you see yourself, I’ve been there too. Clothes that fit and a nice haircut can do wonders (not assuming you don’t do these things, just putting it here in case). All that aside, you clearly have a lot to offer as someone they enjoy talking to so frequently. Remember that when you ask, confidence can go a long way.
I think this is really great advice and the most practical approach. It’s really hard to tell from this post if she would be receptive to something romantic. Approaching her by respectfully and openly asking if she would be interested in a date gives her the easiest avenue for declining with minimal weirdness, but also unambiguously opens the door if she is interested in pursuing more. Something without a big lead-in, like “Hey, I really enjoy our friendship, but would you be interested in going on a date with me?” should be easy to put out there in a confident but low-pressure way.
Personally, I would struggle to respond on the spot to a big confession of romantic feelings from a good work friend, especially if I didn’t feel anything like that. I can imagine responding much more easily to a direct and respectful question about a date from that friend, regardless of whether I want to accept or decline.
Based on an experience similar to yours, I can tell you need to be honest with your intentions and feelings (with yourself first and foremost, and with your crush afterwards).
A friendship in which one side wants more than the other is usually not healthy and not viable in the long run. That builds resentment and regret.
Keep in mind that a lot of women are put in uncomfortable positions when faced with a situation like this. It can make them feel used and the longer you wait to be honest with your intentions, the harder the fall will be for both of you.You talk for hours at night, she goes back to talking to you first thing in the morning, she compliments your looks, puts hearts next to your name… I could just be kind of naive, I’m no expert on love at all, but to me those are all good signs she could be interested.
I’d say ask her out? See some movies together or something, meet each other outside of work, see how that goes. Just hanging out together for starters, I think that’ll tell you both all you need to know about how the other feels. No need to rush into romance and dramatic declarations of love, take your time and treasure the friendship first.
From the sound of it, if she does share your feelings the transition will happen all on its own. Don’t overthink things too much, at the end of the day if you two enjoy each other’s company, just spend more time together.
So I’m a millenial, so we may have generational texting ethics that don’t align. But:
If she wakes up before me she always says good morning and ask me how’s things.
If she is frequently texting you first thing in the morning, that’s a strong indicator of interest. Are there any hints of flirtation in the texts? Or do they stay on the topic of work?
I’m a millenial, so we may have generational texting ethics that don’t align, but…
Lol I love this. Also, I had the same thought: seems like a BIG sign with flashing arrows.
I think the answer is easy. When you get a chance, while you two are alone and in a good mood laughing and just having a great time, ask her if she wants to grab dinner some time. Just that simple statement, in a curious and inviting way, and then if she says no just say “okay, no worries! The offers gonna stay available in case you want to sometime later”. If she says yes, ask what day works best and set a time, tell her you can pick the place and surprise her if she wants. Go from there. Godspeed.
Only follow up with the mention of the offer always being open if you’re ok with ending the relationship.
Conventionally attractive women tend to be aware if a guy is faking a friendship while waiting for his “turn”
Oops wrong thread
Only follow up with the mention of the offer always being open if you’re ok with ending the relationship.
Conventionally attractive women tend to be aware if a guy is faking a friendship while waiting for his “turn”
I wrote a long comment that got lost. Uh…
TLDR If the feeling is mutual it’s about not fumbling the ball more than racing to the finish line. Work on yourself if you aren’t proud of who you are. Strengthen friendships, especially mutual ones. Treasure the feeling and be kind to both of you.
I’m sorry about the lost comment :( I definitely agree with you. Time is needed, both to understand if my feelings are actually true or if it’s more about a temporary enfatuation. I feel very lucky to have both her and our other friends, so I think this’ll go smooth regardless. And truly, being kind to everyone’s feelings, me included, is what I need to look upon. Thank you so much!
Ah yeah I can’t remember everything I wrote. I was a long the lines of what some people are saying, “take it slow”. IMO don’t bury your feelings or fully expose them.
It’s a little paradoxical sometimes. The more important your time is with someone, the slower you go. Because that means you consider it precious. If you just go for it in a way it means you are prepared to lose them. Of course you can wait too long, but as long as day to day is happy and nothing is between you, I hope you can progress in a natural way.
Perhaps you can be honest about your feeling without being forceful. Just show genuine happiness, prioritize time, and your friends can catch on. Then if there is an issue someone can tell you discreetly. And if you let it out slowly you have time as you say, to understand the feelings. And maybe she is also unsure, who knows?
I wish you good luck. I hope you dodge any ugliness and no matter what happens you can look back in years and smile about it.
Shoot your shot or it’s just going to eat at you forever. Don’t go overboard and crazy with it though.
I’m seeing a lot of people saying take the chance.
At the same time I can’t help but think how disappointing it must be as a woman to not be able to have a platonic friendship with a guy without them thinking it’s something more or wanting it to be. Maybe she thinks you’re just a decent friend. If you take that shot there’s a good chance she’ll keep her distance in the future.
On the flip side I can’t help but think of all the stories of girls flirting with guys who are completely oblivious.
Not enough info to make a good determination, other than life is short and you’re young, you can afford to take a risk or two. Personally, I wouldn’t but that’s cause I’m a coward.
I hear where you’re coming from, but to me it sounds like it’d be a calculated risk. If they go about it respectfully and don’t niceguy that shit then I’d say go for it.
OP I’ll echo what another poster said here though. You know you, so be honest with yourself about your reaction towards this person being distant as a result of them being uncomfortable with you after you shoot your shot. I’d say it’s worth it but if you’re going to take it hard it’s probably best to just maintain the image you have and move along.
But if you’re cool with a no, and cool with a “damn, I thought we were buds I better back off to not lead him on”, then take that shot!
So here’s what can happen:
- You profess your feelings, she professes hers back in kind, hooray!
- You profess your feelings, she doesn’t feel that way, you stay friends and you have to FULLY give up on your romantic feelings toward her (otherwise it’s something that will always be hanging over your friendship [I think this is the hardest option for you]).
- You profess your feelings, she doesn’t feel that way, it’s too hard for her to be friends knowing you’ll always want something more and your friendship is gone, you both move on.
I’m definitely missing some more nuance, but these are kind of the broad categories I could come up with. The questions you should ask yourself are: is it worth the risk to act right now? Do I have enough information to make a decision on this? If not, how do I get more information in order to make the best choice?
Also if it’s only been in the past couple months you’ve been growing closer, give it more time. Like several more months. If it continues to develop, you might get all the information you need!
