As a former stay at home parent, my answer to this is: it depends. Definitely do a weekly check-in and listen to what your partner needs in that moment.

My needs changed a lot over time (sometimes week-to-week!) especially as a breastfeeding parent. Kids go through developmental stages which can be anywhere on a spectrum from delightful to really really frustrating for the one who is with them all day (and perhaps night!). Whenever my husband checked in with compassion and the intention to support, it was helpful.

In terms of the practical, some weeks I needed things like help with making food (which in my husband’s case meant getting takeout! 😂) or taking an extra task that was typically mine. Other times it meant listening to me vent.

We also have assigned parenting duties (he’s the bather and evening toothbrusher) which typically bought me 20 minutes every night, and a “mandatory” “give mom 2 hours alone” period no matter what on either Saturday or Sunday. Alone time is something I need to function, but it’s hard to come by as a SAHP. Your partner will need to hold boundaries on taking what they need when it comes to time for themselves, which may be particularly hard if the little one (or ones) has a strong preference for them. I personally really struggled with this both when I was a SAHP and even now that I’m back to work.

And please be real with yourself. There’s no such thing as “even” in a partnership. Sometimes you’re giving more and sometimes you’re taking more. Striving towards an equitable relationship is admirable, and your partner is lucky to have someone like you!

When I get home I do 50%, including weekends. I sometimes do more because the girls glom on to me.

My situation has changed over the months, and the stint in which my partner was home while I was working was short, so this is based a bit on that and a bit on the following re-calibrations.

We try to divide tasks according to what we like doing. My husband likes doing the bath, while I like going out of the house with the kid. This means that those times are win-win: one parent is doing a fun task and the other is having some chill me-time. So we try to get as many of those tasks in as we can manage.

When he was home, I’d take my work commute to decompress and as soon as I was home I was in charge for at least an hour. Often, I’d be setting up a bath for the little one and my husband to enjoy. After the little one’s bath, my husband would take his own bath to chill. He would usually be responsible for dinner, but because he likes cooking and I could spend some time with the kid. After the kid was in bed, it was date time for an hour or so.

He’d have the late nights wake ups because I needed my sleep. I’d have the early morning wake ups, that were more rare.

It took a lot of communication to figure out a good balance that worked for everyone and that made us feel fulfilled. The second part became soon very important, we didn’t want to feel like all we did was changing diapers and cleaning up puke, so we needed to find things we could look forward to. Now that the kid is a bit older, it’s just fun to play with him.

A lot of people like the Fair Play deck of playing cards.

My answer is that there are work hours and there are parenting hours. When the full-time worker is at work, so is the at-home-maid-of-all-work (stay at home). BUT, and here’s the key, when the full-time worker comes home, the at-home-maid-of-all-work is off duty as well. Which means that weekend cleaning chores are shared, childcare is shared (it’s called parenting), loading the dishwasher is shared. Just because there’s a stay-at-home spouse, it doesn’t mean the full-time worker is exempt from household duties.

Since there are children in the picture, the main duties of the at home spouse are the safe care for the children and the age appropriate education and stimulation of the children. Perhaps children’s laundry. If you are lucky, household laundry. And maybe supervising contractors and vendors coming to service the home. But that is the entire job description of the at home spouse. Nanny (what I’ve just described) is a FULL TIME PAID JOB. Expecting an at home spouse to be able to do more than a full time job in the hours of a full time job is tempting, but unreasonable.

Does this make sense?

(For reference: I’m a nanny by profession so I am in a house all day with children and can give reasonable guidance as to what one individual can accomplish with children underfoot. By simply duplicating the nanny role, the at home spouse is saving the family five to six figures in outlay were they to hire me, instead. That’s enough. And ought be equivalent to the earnings of the full-time worker.)

You could use an app to create a chore schedule?