Hi All,

I have a savings account for purpose of which is to save up for “new teeth”. My own teeth are all rammed full of fillings, the bottom row are not straight to say the least and two on the top row have irremovable stains and one needs a root canal. I hate my teeth so I would like a much more permanent solution to all my problems, I’ve also always had confidence issues about my smile. (I didn’t look after my teeth well when I was young, but that’s another story)

My aim is to save for all on four or all on six permanent dentures type thing. As a route to get decent looking teeth with no pain or infection problems. I have a savings account which I put in to every month to save for this and I think it will take another three or four years until I can afford them.

Last night, my girlfriend of about two years who is currently moving in asked how much I had saved in it. We are a little tight on money right now, I work full-time but she has been struggling to get more than 9 hours a week that she has to travel quite far for. I took her question as a bit of a threat quite frankly, that if she knew that I had a fair amount saved, then I might seem like a tight arse for not being more generous with money situations. She does know that I hate my teeth and that I want to save to get them fixed.

I said “none of your business” and I do now regret the tone that I used.

The next morning she was in tears saying things like she couldn’t understand why I would keep a secret like that.

I have expressed to her that I regret seeming quite abrasive about what was possibly a fully innocent question on her part and explained that I thought personal savings were a private matter. I wouldn’t ask her how much her savings were for example.

I now understand that some couples have full financial transparency with eachother. But I for some reason feel quite uncomfortable about that right now. I currently pay all the bills which is fine, I’ve been paying for everything myself for the last eight years or so and she does want to start contributing a bit which is great. I don’t have any secret debts or anything like that to hide.

I know I could have handled the situation better but I’m wondering if I’m an arsehole for not telling her how much savings I have for a purpose of which I’m already considering as spent money?

  • saegiru@lemmy.worldEnglish
    20·
    1 year ago

    I don’t think you’re an asshole regarding not telling her, especially if she had never asked before this. As you said though, it sounds like your response was the issue, which sounds pretty assholeish.

    My thoughts would be that a simple “I’ve been saving enough for awhile to get my teeth fixed, so it’s nearly enough for that.” Assuming she’s a normal person, then she should be fine with that response.

    • flooppoolf@lemmy.world
      2·
      1 year ago

      This is the best suggestion so far. You can still tell her what it’s for. I think what usually causes issues amongst couples is when one party seemingly stops “connecting” with the other, that’s where tensions start to arise. This is an issue I saw growing up a lot because even my parents as a married couple went through stuff similar to this.

      I only know how to see that a problem is about to happen but saegiru offers a great way to diffuse the situation, and that usually requires humility from the person that feels less obligated.

      If you tell her and she still gets angry as you originally thought then you got a different problem on your hands.

      If you tell her and she, like a normal person, is empathetic towards your cause, you got a keeper and got nothing to worry about.