“Will the company cover all medical costs if we’re shot during our normal work day?”

repeatedly ask the trainer to spar with you, and shadow box the entire time. make your own wind noises like mac from always sunny.

ask them what to do when the cops refuse to put themselves at risk

ask them how to tell a roided up terrified cop you’re not the shooter without being shot

ask them how much the active shooter training course cost the district, then ask them how much improving access control (an actually useful preventative measure) would cost and if it were considered as an alternative

The training is going to be about the three “stages”. Flee, hide, fight. They’ll tell you to run if you can, hide if you can’t, fight if you have to.

Act like you’re trying to get information that would make you a more effective active shooter.

“Where would you say the places are that someone is most likely to hide in this office”

Either that or in the last third start highlighting how stupid the training is.

“How much are you getting paid to tell us to bring a stapler to a gun fight?”

“How is this advice any different from “get shot loser”?”

Ask them question whenever the active shooter training intersects with some other corporate rule

“So do I still have to lock my PC if I get up during an active shooter drill”?

“Do I have to clock out when I leave the premises?”

etc.

the more bullshit the underlying rule the better.

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Make them actually test the systems they’re trying to test: Don’t show up at the panic area. When you’re in the area, make it hard to count you all by making everyone walk around a lot. Ask questions all the time. Take charge of leading people, lead them down the wrong path. Insist you are doing this to make sure an actual drill will work, since actual drills don’t go perfect (Honestly this is what you’re supposed to do when you’re running a drill, you’re supposed to test the strains of the system, see where it fails, so you can improve upon it for the future.)

Alternatively start a fire

sitting in a room listening to someone talk

Pretend to have really bad digestive problems. Take frequent bathroom breaks that day, and deliberately miss the first 5 minutes in the bathroom. As you enter, announce that you’re having the worst gas of your life, and apologize to the people around you. Keep a whoopie cushion in your underwear so you can “let one rip” every few minutes.

ask if healthcare coverage at work covers injury from shooting, and then break it down by shooting type: drive by? targetted? mass? police involved? coworker? stranger? manager? go through all the scenarios “what if i was shot while technically off the clock but on work property because i was coming back from my break”

“will the company cover funeral expenses?”
“has this ever been effective?”
“will you be issuing us rifles?”
“can the company buy us some plate carriers?”
“am i a soldier now? i don’t want to be a soldier :(”

trusting crackers with “fake” guns

le alec baldwin face and le bruce lee face and le bruce lee’s son’s face and so on and so on

Write everything down from this thread on a comically rolled up piece of paper. When the opportunity for questions arises get your comically long list of questions out and unroll it bugs bunny style, then begin.

Be totally and completely serious about the questions you have. This is a shooter situation after all, it’s an incredibly serious matter and the details all matter.

Start asking them for how to respond to increasingly bizarre situations:

Start with something plausible like a team of shooters then move on to like “What if they have access to a rooftop helicopter? What about an armed Humvee? How do we deal with tanks?”