cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/1998751
Hey all, I hope you’re doing well.
So I’m having a pretty tough day today. I’m 25 and decided I wanted to try to date again so I put on my hinge profile that I have chronic pain and can answer any questions. I had a date last weekend and was supposed to have another one today but backed out.
The reason I backed out is because I don’t know what the outlook on my life is right now. I don’t have muscle inflammation per blood test but prednisone was absolutely amazing to me so that means it has to be inflammation of my nerves or something else and that isn’t really good. I’m getting a spinal tap Tuesday.
I feel so guilty even trying attempting to get in a relationship. Like even if she is okay with what’s going on with me, I realized I’m not okay with allowing someone else to have to deal with my situation. Especially since I don’t have a diagnoses currently and I would hate myself if I found my ‘soulmate’ to just then find out I only have 5 years left, especially to someone that is my age.
I’ve always tried to look at the positive side but the only angle I’ve been looking at is the fact there is potential of being able to live a healthy life being on prednisone, immunosuppressants, immunoglobulin IVs, or something like that.
When considering bringing someone else that would be significant in my life in I have to look at it from the perspective that I’ve been ignoring. That it’s possible I could end up wheel chair bound, or find out I likely only have X years. It morally feels wrong for me to go on dates.
This is the perspective I’ve been ignoring and thinking about it yesterday and today has taken a toll. I’m pretty lonely, I would love to have a SO but I just can’t. It sucks too cause I moved here a year ago and was making friends then lost all of them besides 1 throughout this.
Even ignoring the diagnoses part I still feel guilty trying to get in a relationship due to how limited I am cause of my pain. My whole life I played sports, hiked, biked, camped, did whatever physical or fun activity I could and always stayed fit. Here I am now barely able to do anything. Even on all my pain meds. The guy is the one whose supposed to be able to protect and this and that. How am I even supposed to do that? I wish I could get therapy here because I do need it but I work remote and my work insurance doesn’t cover out of state therapy.
I don’t even know if I’m looking for tips or just hearing others stories if they can relate. Just been a really rough day. I think I just finally broke down because I’ve been super strong through this and haven’t let this get me down but when it comes to having a SO which I want, I’ve been ignoring that this whole times because I know it forces me to think of this stuff. It’s so much easier going through it alone than with someone by my side and seeing me like this. Less people to disappoint
I have IBS, which is admittedly one of the ‘easier’ chronic conditions to deal with, I imagine.
But about fifteen years ago it flared up with an intensity I wouldn’t have thought possible, and at that time everything in my life was falling apart. Lost my job, was back living with my parents and my mom was dying.
But I still put myself out there as an outlet, not looking for commitment. The woman I started seeing encouraged me to get on public assistance and get checked out.
Turned out I had a hernia complicating my IBS and one simple surgery later I was able to start rebuilding.
Don’t decide for yourself that nobody should have to ‘cope’ with you and your reality. Theirs may be just as weird and maybe you’ll find what you need.
I did. Married almost a decade, have a home and lots of pets, and I work from home. Not a perfect life at all but better than I’d thought I’d have.
That sounds like the perfect storm you went through. I’m really glad it sounds like you made it out. I appreciate the message. I think I’ll just have to wait till I get a diagnoses cause I do have a lot going on right now with it all
Just gotta keep yourself open to things happening organically. Putting yourself out there isn’t a bad thing.
I literally would probably not be here had I not had the hernia fixed and I wouldn’t have ever connected it with my strange symptoms.
I met my husband before my chronic pain started, but married him a few years in. He appreciates what I bring to his life (love, laughter, not being lonely anymore) so much that doing things to help me around the house is really not a problem for him. I do also have a scary disease diagnosis, but we’re hopeful that major symptoms will hold off for a while. It’s tricky for you emotionally, but for the right partner, it’s really not as big a deal. I try to think about how much It bothers me to help my husband when I’m feeling okay (not at all), and if it would make me want to leave him if he got a scary diagnosis (not at all) and realize it’s the same thing for him.
Therapy definitely has helped me work through these thoughts in the past year as well, so I definitely recommend that. I do it online through a local therapist who does it over a telehealth visit.
Yeah I would love to get therapy but I can’t which sucks. This is the second time this has happened to me where I think I’m okay and then when I try dating I just can’t. Maybe I just need a diagnoses to really come to terms and then decide
That’s really tough. Make sure you’re practicing self-care and doing the things that make you feel good about yourself while you work toward better mental and physical health. There are a lot of online resources that are free. I find podcasts helpful personally. I like to listen to people who make me feel good about the world.
I understand why you feel that way and I’m sorry you’re going through this. I think as long as you’re honest and open about what’s going on, ultimately it’s up to them to decide. I feel you can have a wholesome relationship even with some limitations. If my current partner got sick, it wouldn’t be a burden to me and I would definitely not want her to feel bad for it. We would always find a way. U got this bro!
That sounds like a lot to deal with, and it sounds like you’re dealing with it alone. I’m sorry to hear that. I wonder if any of the doctors you are seeing could suggest a support group, or if there are some online you might like. Lemmy seems great (I’m new) but not necessarily super active.
If thinking about getting into a relationship is causing additional stress, it might not be a bad idea to hold off. It is absolutely possible to find a fulfilling relationship with chronic pain/chronic illness, but it’s difficult to do so when you’re not in a great place mentally.
Have you looked into telehealth/virtual therapy appointments? There’s betterhelp, though I don’t think they work with insurance, and you might be able to find an in-state provider who would do telehealth. I would advise sending out some emails to providers in your state and seeing who might be open to telehealth.
I wish you all the best. I have many relatives with chronic pain/chronic illness who have been able to find partners who understand. It is possible. For the moment, though I can’t imagine how difficult it is, do what you can to help yourself.
