Putting on my empathy hat here: if someone has done something to hurt you, like infidelity, you likely care about them. That feeling doesn’t just turn off when they hurt you, you just get extra feelings that suck because of those feelings.
Attempting to force contrition or at least acknowledgement is a way to try to lessen those feelings. To go from “I care about this person and they hurt me”, to “I care about this person, they hurt me, but they said they shouldn’t have, or at least admit that they did”.
Feelings are more complex than strictly rational. It can be impossible to stop caring about someone even if you now hate them, which means that unfortunately someone you now have an accutely hostile relationship with can be uniquely positioned to alleviate an aspect of your pain.
Given that, the rational (or at least easiest and most straightforward) thing to do is to build the most compelling case you can to hopefully force them to give you relief, or at least get the catharsis of proving to yourself that they’re pathological, which is it’s own form of closure.
Saying fuck it is obviously preferable, but it might not be the hand everyone is dealt.
I replied with a bit more context to a different comment but the TL;DR is that confrontation is a gamble. It could pay off with some of that healthy closure, or it could go the other way. I’ve taken each route and found the “closure” route was only marginally less sucky than the move on route, but the failed confrontation was many times worse.
I’ve taken both approaches and, at least for me, confrontation left me feeling dirty. In one occasion I could see the pain and sadness in their eyes, which made me feel like shit because I genuinely loved them, and on another I got to see exactly how little they cared about me which also gutted me. We can fantasize about how good that closure would have felt, but it’s never a guarantee. To me, it’s better to safeguard the pieces of my broken heart before irreparable damage is done.
Never underestimate the closure of one last angry fuck. What sends the mixed messages is the fact that it’s probably some of the best sex you’ll ever have which leaves you wanting to go back to that hot, wet, dank, filthy, delicious well. Damn, it suddenly got really warm here. /S
I sorta did that. I just sent a couple screen shots of my proof and asked why. I didn’t do it for the actual reason but more so to see her reaction. I didn’t draw it out and just moved on. She definitely wanted to draw it out and see if we could reconsile. Not sure why she wanted to talk about it, it was over. Begged me on her knees to stay when I was leaving, oddly enough I didn’t feel too bad for her.
I have no doubt this picture is out of context. I am talking to people that actually confront their S.O.'s with proof. Why? Fuck’em.
Putting on my empathy hat here: if someone has done something to hurt you, like infidelity, you likely care about them. That feeling doesn’t just turn off when they hurt you, you just get extra feelings that suck because of those feelings.
Attempting to force contrition or at least acknowledgement is a way to try to lessen those feelings. To go from “I care about this person and they hurt me”, to “I care about this person, they hurt me, but they said they shouldn’t have, or at least admit that they did”.
Feelings are more complex than strictly rational. It can be impossible to stop caring about someone even if you now hate them, which means that unfortunately someone you now have an accutely hostile relationship with can be uniquely positioned to alleviate an aspect of your pain.
Given that, the rational (or at least easiest and most straightforward) thing to do is to build the most compelling case you can to hopefully force them to give you relief, or at least get the catharsis of proving to yourself that they’re pathological, which is it’s own form of closure.
Saying fuck it is obviously preferable, but it might not be the hand everyone is dealt.
I replied with a bit more context to a different comment but the TL;DR is that confrontation is a gamble. It could pay off with some of that healthy closure, or it could go the other way. I’ve taken each route and found the “closure” route was only marginally less sucky than the move on route, but the failed confrontation was many times worse.
Just walking away sounds good but at the end of the day, I regret not confronting them and properly yelling and screaming at them.
I’ve taken both approaches and, at least for me, confrontation left me feeling dirty. In one occasion I could see the pain and sadness in their eyes, which made me feel like shit because I genuinely loved them, and on another I got to see exactly how little they cared about me which also gutted me. We can fantasize about how good that closure would have felt, but it’s never a guarantee. To me, it’s better to safeguard the pieces of my broken heart before irreparable damage is done.
Fucking them would send mixed messages
Breakup sex is definitely a thing.
Never underestimate the closure of one last angry fuck. What sends the mixed messages is the fact that it’s probably some of the best sex you’ll ever have which leaves you wanting to go back to that hot, wet, dank, filthy, delicious well. Damn, it suddenly got really warm here. /S
I sorta did that. I just sent a couple screen shots of my proof and asked why. I didn’t do it for the actual reason but more so to see her reaction. I didn’t draw it out and just moved on. She definitely wanted to draw it out and see if we could reconsile. Not sure why she wanted to talk about it, it was over. Begged me on her knees to stay when I was leaving, oddly enough I didn’t feel too bad for her.
Looking for closure?