Find. A. Therapist.

No random, online stranger will be able to give you what you need, because (if nothing else) we just don’t know you well enough. A professional counselor is someone you can open up to, who will see you repeatedly, and has the professional training to help you.

I understand that seeing a therapist is intimidating. I get it. But I truly believe it is the route to go, in your case. While the issues you are dealing with are both major and relatively common, the advice needed is specific to the individual.

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Hi.

Look into mindfulness practices. Do some art. Hobbies etc. Music is my preference. Also, try to appreciate that you get to experience anything at all. It’s a wild ride, enjoy it all. Don’t fight your feelings. You only get to experience these kind of things rarely, and they have the potential to bring you closer to your self. Appreciation and happiness are perspectives, and they are largely down to choice. How do you want to feel? Practice that. The human mind is a crazy, malleable thing.

I self medicated for long long time. Seen death up close, both people close to me, and random people. I’ve been through my fair share of trauma just like you, and roughly your age as well.

Death is completion of the cycle. Life is really a beautiful thing, and the fact we can be aware of such things make it even harder, messier, and even more beautiful.

End rant.

I play video games, specifically guild wars 2 and I’ve found a really friendly and inviting guild to group up with, and that has really helped. I also wanted to get into blacksmithing at some point, I’ve always liked the idea of being able to hit something with a hammer really hard and make something cool.

I have a therapist I can contact, she’s a trauma therapist and has given me techniques for when the stress and anxiety are too much. I’m not in the same place anymore as I was back then, I’m not really depressed so much as just feeling a bit lost and wanting some direction. I recognize the importance of a therapist and will call her if I ever get to that point again.

Rule 1, you don’t know what other people are going through. They got a whole universe no one else knows nothing about, so give them a break.

Rule 2, only person that’s on the hook to give you a break is you. Think of the advice you would give your friend or your dad, if they were in your situation and give it to you. Probably good advice.

Rule 3, noting is certain, not even tomorrow. Have your dessert first.

As far as anxiety goes, I loved a book called Dare by Barry McDonagh. Not going to lie, it boils down to “accept the anxiety” which sounds very “thanks I’m cured”, but it walks you through the steps to get there.

I had a bad reaction to some medication, and had to go to the ER. For a long time after that I was terrified of dying and even just being alone in a room in case I needed help but couldn’t talk. For the first week or two after that, I’d have a panic attack every few minutes. It eventually spaced out to a few times a week, but it felt debilitating and embarrassing, and every time it felt like I was having a heart attack. I was constantly analyzing my body for any sign of abnormality and just waiting for it to turn on me.

Seeing as I couldn’t get rid of the anxiety, I bought the book because it was on sale and it actually helped me a ton. Every so often I feel one coming on, but I’m now able to recognize it for what it is and move on with my life as opposed to getting sucked in.

For meditation (kind of in reply to one of your replies here), to me meditating isn’t directly about feeling better, it’s about noticing things and accepting what’s there.

The meditation app I like is Smiling Mind. It gets a bit repetitive, but it’s totally free (it is by a non-profit) and I like the Australian accents.

I tried Insight Timer and it was pretty hit or miss (free meditations from tons of creators with an optional sub for courses and a few features), and Oak which was good but I remember being very basic.

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s ok to not be ok. Give yourself some space and time.

I’m really sorry you’re having such a tough time. It’s clear you’ve been hit with some pretty hard losses. Losing people we’re close to can make us reevaluate our own lives, and that’s definitely a lot to process. It sounds like you’re dealing with a huge wave of feelings and that’s totally normal given what you’ve been through.

One thing that could help you right now is to find some kind of support network. Maybe a group for people dealing with grief? You’d get the chance to chat with folks going through similar stuff and it’s always good to know you’re not alone. And don’t forget about the loved ones still around you. You mentioned how much you love your wife. She’s there for you. Spend some quality time together, talk about what you’re feeling.

Another thing, don’t underestimate taking care of your physical health, mate. Exercise can do wonders for the mood. Anything that gets you moving - a good old-fashioned walk, cycling, yoga. And remember to eat right and get enough sleep.

Have you ever tried mindfulness or meditation? Being in the moment can be really grounding and help keep anxiety in check. There are some great apps out there that can guide you through it, and yoga or deep breathing exercises are solid options too.

Something that’s helped me before is writing stuff down, kind of like a journal. You could even write letters to your dad and friend. It might be therapeutic to get those thoughts and memories out of your head and onto paper.

Remember, it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to grieve. And it’s okay to ask for help. You’re not on a clock to “get over it”. Healing takes time, so be kind to yourself. One step at a time, okay? We’re here for you.

I‘m probably not a good advisor, a mess of a person really, and a therapist is maybe best for that situation (and not every one will do, took me like 4 different tries to find one which worked for me).

However, I felt compelled to post cause I can relate cause my Dad died of cancer too. Though I was much younger than you and it was much quicker for him. He was also my most important person and witnessing this was a total hell. I‘d seen other deaths, but to have the most important one ripped away like this. Truly, there is no words to describe this pain to anyone who hasn‘t felt it. It doesn‘t truly get better either, at most you keep going and forget it for longer periods of times, then sometimes it comes back and hits you all over again. I‘ve also had the depression, anxiety, panic even, I went to the hospital multiple times cause of it.

For the midlife crisis, which may well be an existential crisis, I dealt with something similar by reading an insane amount of philosophy until I came to a sort of conclusion about life and what I desire to be my purpose in it, that worked for me. I‘m not going to go and tell it to you like some sort of preacher, just saying that trying to gain a sort of understanding of human existence and suffering and so on gave me a feeling of contentment and acceptance which nothing else before gave me (and I tried a lot, drugs, meds, self help, distraction, hobbies, etc etc).

Though I think what I also realised is, we are all so different from each other, what works for one person won‘t work for the next. Which is probably why finding a good therapist is decent advice, it helps with reflecting on yourself and discovering your values and needs.

I’m seeing lots of good tips from people here, but I would highly recommend seeing a professional because this is above Lemmy’s pay grade.

If you see an MD (i.e. Your GP or a psychiatrist), they’re almost always going to prescribe meds. A counselor will do talk-therapy, no meds.

Hey Brother, very sorry for your losses. Unfortunately/fortunately, you and I share some similarities.

I work in cloud/tech, in my 30’s, successful, enjoy my job and my father passed two years ago (suicide) and I also modeled my career off of him.

The loss hit me very hard, all I can tell you is what helped me and maybe it will for you but obviously this will be your own journey. I’m in a very happy place now after a lot of work.

I tried to throw myself into work after my father’s death, realized it was making things worse. I took FMLA after being diagnosed with major depression/anxiety, got on anti depressants, started journaling, quit drinking (used it to cope heavily), began therapy, dove heavily into fitness and took up a hobby my father and I shared (golf) to feel a connection to him still.

I used the extended time off to focus on my grief/recovery almost like a job. I had a routine every day, and between all the above mentioned efforts I was able to get a clearer head, understand the path forward, all the while still maintaining a closeness with my father.

I highly recommend taking this very pointed approach to “recovering” from the loss. Trying to live your normal life while processing all of this trauma is just too much, or at least it was for me.

Shoot me a message if this was helpful and you need/want more info. Best of luck.

I’m having a similar issue.

I lost my mother when I was 13. But, at that age, I was too young to understand the fragility of life.

Now, at 30, death scares me a lot. I had to deal with loss a few more times and it finally got to me. Now I am old enough to be able to understand what a “lifetime” is. When we are young, we don’t have this knowledge: life looks like it will go on forever. But it won’t.

I’m just starting to accept that my loved ones won’t be here forever. And this shit is scary as fuck. But we need to learn to accept this truth and live with it. It can also help us to value life more, to be grateful for things we used to take for granted.

And we need to take care of ourselves, physically and mentally, so we can live, as we too are dear for our loved ones and they need our help.

I’m also dealing with anxiety, depression and panic attacks. Here’s what helps me when I panic:

• Calming ASMR videos (Bob Ross is my favourite, in fact I have one of his videos playing right now as background while I work. Sometimes, if I feel bad, I just pause what I’m doing and watch him paint for a bit);
• If Bob is not enough to calm me down, I do some breathing exercises (I was skeptical at first, but it works). Try this one: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiUnFJ8P4gM

We have to be strong, but it’s also okay to be weak. It’s okay to cry if we need to. Just don’t give up, because there’s always good things in life to make all the suffering be worth it.

It took me a while to decide to respond to your post because I lost my father in 2017, a month before my 40th birthday, and a family friend’s child 2 weeks later. That time of my life was really a blur of raw grief and anxiety.

This time in your life is going to be so full of it that you feel like you can’t focus on anything else and it’s okay to feel lost. Grief comes in waves. At first, they are so big that every time they hit they knock you down and they hit you multiple times a day, but you have to hold on to the fact that over time, those waves will come less often and be less fierce. Every once in a while you’ll get one that is a doozy but it will happen less and less often. The strength of your grief is directly proportionate to the strength of your love for them.

You’ve been getting great advice in this thread and you’ve already got meds and a therapist which is great. I also suggest journaling and meditation like some of the other posters did. I personally found the teachings of Buddhism and Thich Nhat Hanh helpful, too. There is a podcast called “The Way Out Is In” which is run by a student of his and you can listen to for free. They have guided meditations at the end of each episode. Even if you’re not into becoming a Buddhist, listening to someone very calmly and rationally talk about how they know your pain and then guide you through sending your good thoughts out to your loved ones is so soothing to the soul. You can search out episodes that are specific to situations you may benefit from. The lesson in breathing in and out and sending out your thoughts to them is one you can hold on to.

I’ve tried to meditate in the past, but I never feel any difference and whenever I look up meditation apps they always ask for a subscription to even the basic meditation information and I just can’t justify paying for something that can truly help a person’s mental health in that manner. It just feels scummy, like these apps are saying “I see you’re depressed and have anxiety, if you pay me I can make you feel better”.