Oh no, I definitely am in my own head, but yeah, I doubt that college is gonna work out anymore. As i said, it’s obviously not the sole culprit, but it is the straw that broke the camels back. The college is pretty much an “upgraded” high school (but not really because my high school was actually better equipped with pcs and whatnot lol). Like I’m just fucking tired of all this shit. This country, these people, village, toxic and reactionary culture and environment etc. Since I have social anxiety it’s honestly pretty hard to approach people anyways, and even if I do, there is pretty much zero stuff of note (for me), to talk about. I just feel like most of these people are shallow, don’t really have their own opinions about anything, and are far away from actually discussing any real politics or really anything substantive. Maybe it’s different in the west, but here people really love to have this kind of small talk where it feels like neither person is really interested in whatever the other person has to say. Stuff like asking you where you’ve been, who you’ve seen, if you’ve been going out to party or drink or have sex or whatever. Throw in rumors around your general family and social circle and boom, that’s how 95% of conversations go here.
I mean at this point, I have only about 2 people whom I could honestly even consider friends. One guy is just the kind of classic, mostly shallow guy who just kind of nods his head along to everything I say, whom I mostly hang out with in cafes and such just to pass the time and whatnot. The other is an actually somewhat intelligent dude who, despite being kind of a religious reactionary at certain times (the classic behaviour here), is honestly pretty open to differing opinions and whatnot, and I can actually have a dialogue with him instead of just talking to the walls. But even with him, we don’t really hang out in our village, but rather when me and him both travel to the town via bus. I mean, he also has his own problems (living with his father who is divorced, also now without a job), so I completely understand that he might not have the time for me. But at the end of the day, I really couldn’t open up about anything in my personal life like I did in this post because I simply don’t fucking trust anyone (probably the result of all the bullying and verbal abuse I’ve experienced in my life). Also, when I did open up that one time with the friend I ended up severing ties with, he told me: “Well maybe it’s just that you think you have it the worst”. Like, yeah, thank you for trying to trivialize my mental and physical anguish in my most vulnerable state you idiotic fuckwad.
Ah, alright then. Thanks for all the help