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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/swtogirl on 2024-09-15 22:07:25+00:00.
I am not the Original Poster. OOP is u/swiggitywigg and they posted in r/entitledparents, r/legaladvice and r/raisedbynarcissists
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Do NOT comment on Original Posts. See rule 7. This sub has a 7-day waiting period so the latest update is at least 7 days old.
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Editorās Note: This Is LONG. OOPās post that had an official update was the one that I used for the BORU title, however, prior to the first post, she posted on r/raisedbynarcissists and r/legaladvice. Both of these posts contain back story to the OP, so I will include them first.
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Trigger Warning: some descriptions of child neglect, financial abuse, possible threat to life
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Mood Spoiler: stressful and inconclusive as of now
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I refuse to give up my inheritance my dad so desperately wants. January 6, 2023
Iāve had a rocky relationship with my parents (divorced since 1999) my entire life. My father married my step mother in 2000. I was an only child up until this point. She had 4 children from a previous marriage.
In the early days of their marriage, she was pretty toxic to me and to my dads side of the family. Instead of letting relationships between everyone happen organically, she tried to force them.
Thereās a lot of backstory here, and Iām trying to trim a lot of fat to still bring us to current day, so bare with me.
When my parents divorced, my dad was allotted 42 days in the summer, and every other weekend. He often would abandon me to be with her family, things would be taken from me and distributed to her children, etc. He would always try to by me off with gifts to make up for hurt feelings. I often felt like I was on the back burner. I spent that time with my grandparents instead.
My grandparents decided to deed me their house when I was 9 because of this. So Iād always have a home when they died. Thatās always been a sticking point to my father. He would say things like, āThat was such an irresponsible thing to do of them. To deed property to a child.ā It clearly didnāt settle well because he has still made comments within the last few years to other people.
My step mother got into an altercation in 2007 where she shoved my grandfather in his front yard to the ground. I was 15 at the time. We didnāt see my grandparents for 8 months after that, and that was after his stroke. Every time my Dad would pull some nonsense or defend his wifeās actions, my grandmother would me petty and change the Will. Slowly keeping land from him for when they pass.
After this incident, I often wondered why he didnāt leave her. They both have a history of only thinking of themselves to the point my grandfather died with poor credit because my dad took out loans and cards in his name.
Before he retired, he didnāt save a penny. Heās been grifting in ways. He has military retirement, but my step mom blows through it. Iāve been married for 8 years and I have a child. Before I had mine, my Dad and Step mother had 7 other grandchildren. They now have 11 total. My daughter is the only blood relation to my dad. He didnāt get to see her because my step mom kept him from seeing her for the first 3 years of her life. When they split I feel like I get quality time with him, and Iāve learned to set boundaries over the years to keep me or my child from being hurt.
Iāve spent the last decade of my adult life trying to heal my inner child and not carry that baggage into my childās life. Learning to love and forgive. If not forgive, at least make peace. Iāve tried to rekindle a relationship with my father so that he can have a relationship with my daughter. Him and my step mother have been on the rocks for 5 years and have separated twice. He canāt seem to get away. Given where I am in life, it feels like they want something. If not now, then when?
I am married and own my own home. We make a good income and work hard for what we have.
Iāve been dreading my entire life for the moment that both my grandparents would be put to rest. Itās been difficult in itself to process the loss of someone who was essential in my upbringing. Showing unconditional love and teaching me how to function like an adult when I was ready to step into the world.
Well that time is now. We laid my grandmother to rest on at the end of last year. The way the deed was made, it transfers to me immediately at her death. My dad doesnāt know I have seen the Will. I chose not to say anything to have the upper hand.
One of my step siblings has already asked me to deed the house to my dad and step mother in private. Itās all so fresh and I find it incredibly distasteful to reach out to me when we are still going over the process of settling an estate which is now a lifetime trust. Someone had to have given her my number, as I changed in two years back and was very selective who had the new number. Her children would often ask us for money and it got tiring. I felt used after awhile.
My dad stayed at my grandparents house during the week of the funeral. Heās been taking things out of the home for years. Little things here and their like vintage glassware, etc. Out of a precaution, I have changed the locks and put cameras up. Not just to keep them out, but because various caregivers had keys to the home and itās sitting empty for the time being. Thereās a lot of work that needs to be done but will have to take place this summer.
I have no intentions on giving him the house. His attitude has changed with me and he wonāt answer my daughters calls. It is all very subtle, but enough to cause alarm. Iām afraid he will take from the sheds, break in or try to fight me over it. Perhaps heās still grieving or he now knows Iāve seen the Will. Am I the AH for refuse considering to give it to my Dad? Itās not like they left him with nothing. He gets stocks and acres. But the way the Will is drafted everything he owns goes back to the estate, and to me. Not to his wife and her kids when he passes.
Am I handling this right? How should I?
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Relevant Comments:
xrebxbiex:
You are definitely doing the right thing. Stick to your guns and donāt feel bad about getting authorities involved if and when you have to. His actions are his own and he can face any consequences that arise from them. This is your inheritance and thereās a reason itās not his.
salymander_1:
Do not give any of those horrid people a goddamn thing. They are awful. Your grandparents intended for you to have everything for a very good reason. Respect their wishes. You are not doing anything wrong.
It is not your responsibility to protect people from the well deserved consequences of their own actions.
I doubt any of them would lift a finger to help you, but they are all over you for you to do things for them. They are greedy, selfish people, and this is the result of their behavior.
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Editorās Note: OOP also posted in some home reno subs for advice on fixing up their old house and their grandparentsā home theyāll be moving into. They also posted on some real estate subs about selling their current house, but I will leave those out of the BORU. You can view them on her profile if you want more in-depth information.
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Kentucky Filial Laws September 2, 2023
I (30F) have historically had a rough relationship with my father (63M). I donāt know if you could call us estranged, but we have a fairly toxic relationship and I always end up going no contact when he throws his fits.
In recent years, heās gotten upset with me and threatened that I would be legally obligated to care for him when he becomes desolate. He is a veteran, so Iād hope that the VA would be of some sort of assistance.
The man has lied, and stolen from me in my adult years. As a teen he simply put me last in favor of my step mother and her children. I went through physical, emotional and financial abuse. They continue to do so but have had less control over my life since I went to college 12 years ago.
For the last decade he has lived in RVs. He has nothing to show for savings out of 28 years served. I imagine my step mother spent it all. Fast forward to January, I inherited my late grandmotherās home. Itās been deeded to me since 2001. He tried to move into it the day after the funeral. I then changed the locks. He is now upset once again. This is an entire story in itself but his character is why he got shafted out of property in his parents will.
I fully intend of moving out of the forsaken state of Florida to move into my inherited Kentucky home to be mortgage free. I am a stay at home parent. My husband is the bread winner.
So my question is, when he or my step mother fall into ill health, will I be legally obligated to care for him being as I donāt have income of my own? Or will they go after my husbands paychecks? I want free of this man and the trauma and abuse heās historically put me through. Iām distraughā¦
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1fhom86/making_my_senior_parents_homeless/
Update August 11, 2024
I promised an update. Itās taking me a long time to really sit down and gather my thoughts to update or rather just really take in the reality of my situation. Itās taken me 31 years to really see beyond the rose tinted glasses of the relationship I thought I had with my father. I did cancel his flight. He did not help us move, but I did end up engaging with him to keep the peace.
Quick recap: I inherited my grandparents home. Father and step mom wanted to move in. I said no. Dad then decides to leave evil step mom and reconcile. Wanted to ātemporarilyā move in with us. We said no. He was insisting on helping us move and we ultimately said no. We are essentially estranged and heās never really been a parent to me. Would rather love and bond with my 3 step sisters and all their children than his only child and grandchild. I previously entertained reconciliation only to be strongly dissuaded by my extended family and Reddit.
A week before making the move he did come to Kentucky and leave my step mom as he had said. How he did it was cowardly. She was doing laundry on their last day in Texas at their RV and he got in her vehicle and split back to Georgia. Leaving her without transportation. Her children are angry. Once he got to their RV in Georgia he parked the car, packed his truck up and trailer and headed to Kentucky. He spent a week here on his property next to my inherited home (I inherited his parents house for those that do not recall). He was essentially camping in a small trailer he would haul stuff in for flea markets and gun shows.
He asked if he could use my water hose so he could shower and I agreed. I have cameras outside so I thought, āWhat could it hurt?ā Well, hereās where I was wrong. I then get a call from him that āwater is pouring from under the house.ā I told him to shut the water off. The house has been having leaks since I took possession as itās got 60 year old plumbing that will be replaced with the sale of my home. I had my uncle come to confirm and then scheduled a plumber to come look at what needed to be done. This was just 5 days before we would get there with a moving truck from Florida to KY. A pipe had split under the sink and the water heater had busted during the winter.
During this time a storm came through and the power went out. He found a key I had in a flower pot for the plumber and went into my home. When we got there he told us he sprayed the yard for ticks, did pest control and also cleaned and sprayed for pest INSIDE THE HOME. I was livid. I didnāt react angrily because at the time it felt weird. I was questioning whether I was wrong and he was actually wanting to be a dad to me after all this time. So I let it go. That illusion has since passed.
Weāve been here since mid June and now Iāve discovered heās robbed us blind. Heās denied it all of course. Tape had been removed from an old chimney hole (assuming looking for money), green dishware has been stolen and put on consignment in town and at another local place 40 minutes away. Any time we have a sub contractor out to give bids on the remodel he just shows up and tries to hijack the situation.
He talked to me like Iām stupid in front of my husband. That surprisingly didnāt go well. My husband is as docile as it comes, but that was the straw that broke his silence in all this. My dad didnāt take kindly to my husband telling him he needed to mind his own business and be respectful to his wife.
Heās now staying at one of his cousins in an RV. Heās still moving forward with his plans to put a tiny home on the land that is nestled between me and my uncle. My extended family tend to avoid him like the plague even with his repeated efforts to enter the fold. He showed up to their home on the 4th of July with a lawn chair to see fireworks uninvited and they didnāt ask him to leave.
Sometime in July we noticed my dad had messed with the propane heater. It no longer had the pilot light on, and the dial had been moved to ā1.ā Which is on the opposite side of the dial as the pilot setting. Either that was incompetence or he was playing with fate with our lives. His granddaughters life. He of course denied it.
I am under the impression we are all in fear of his retaliation. My husband has no such fears and keeps threaten to go into the consignment that has my stolen glassware and making a scene. Honestly Iām at the point that Iām just going to let my husband deal with him. Iām no longer emotionally exhausted and just annoyed.
He shows up randomly with food which I immediately throw away. The last one had a note on it for my daughter. I wish I had a happier update, but this is what it is. We close on the sale of our home next week and start remodeling soon. Iāve let my contractors know the situation and heās not to be on the property. I feel bad having them in the situation. Iām worried he will vandalize the house my grandparents left me while we are in our rental.
If I end up as a news story, know itās not a mystery and know who is responsible.
Relevant Comments:
OOP reveals more worrisome details about her father in the comments when asked if sheās in a 2A or āCriminals are peopleā state:
Both county and state are 2A or I would have reported his storage unit of unregistered guns he sells without performing background checks. He exited the military, became a consultant, somehow lost his security clearance and started selling guns. At one point he was selling Korean AKs to āmilitiaā groups in Georgia. I wish this was all a joke. My dad is the Frank Gallagher Lord of War I guess.
Kittytigris:
Iām with your husband on this. Your silence is emboldening your father in pushing boundaries. Thereās only one way to deal with people like that, make sure theyāre aware that youāre not afraid of creating an even more public scene than they are. You and your husband should absolutely file a police report and a no trespassing order on the theft and damages he had done. Get your stuff back from the consignment shop. If anything, it makes your father aware that youāre not afraid to send him to jail if need be and no one would bail him out.
OOP:
The problem with making a report is I donāt have photo evidence that it belongs to me other than I have the other half of the green glassware set he stole. Last time I called the police for trespassing the state police sided with dadās story that I was a disgruntled child and he was just trying to be āa dad.ā Unsure if it was just small town sympathies or the patriarchy at work. This is also the Bible Belt.
Kittytigris:
If you have the title/deed of the house/property it is well within your right to have whoever you want trespassed. I wouldnāt just leave it at that, I would just tell the cops that he is estranged from me and I havenāt had contact with him in years. He just left his current family because he thinks he can get me to fund his lifestyle. He is a stranger and I want him off my property. If your uncle is next door and the same mindset as you, he can back you up by asking for your father to be removed from his property as well or at least let the sheriff know that your father is not welcomed.
CherryblockRedWine:
āHe is a stranger, a thief, and has committed identity fraud.ā
OP, use ALL your ammunition. He stole his parentsā identities and ruined their credit. There is a pattern to all this.
Also ā you wrote in another post that even the land he would āinheritā was deeded to you ā if thatās the case, why not just evict him?
Maleficent_Theory818:
Get a police report and go to the consignment store and get your dishes back. I can bet they have a higher value than you realize beyond sentimental value.
Document everything he has done. You need to see about getting your property posted so he canāt come onto your lawn and cause further damage.
desert_dame:
Yes definitely get the police report and get your dishes back. Iām in the vintage biz. And let me tell you. If someone brings in stolen merch. They are not only banned from their store but all others they are friends with. Itās a small world in the biz. People know people.
This will prevent him from doing business in your town. Heāll have to leave the surrounding area to sell anything. And re estate sales. The better ones will ban him from the premises. Since heās known to be a thief.
Please Let it start with you to stop him. Unfortunately in the biz there are these vindictive aholes. Surprisingly enough. It tends to be men of a certain age. Theyāll break stuff, hide stuff and steal it.
The teens will steal cheap costume jewelry. Itās the older guys who will really rip you off.
The thing with the propane tank. Thatās definite criminal intent to destroy your house. Thatās how arson fires are done too. The water to undermine your foundation. And itās hello $50k to get a new one.
You and uncle must combine forces to get rid of this increasingly deranged man.
Editorās Note: Iām marking this ongoing. OOP is still renovating the house and her dad is still in the RV in the area causing problems. She hasnāt posted in a month, but has posted comments on other topics recently.
Reminder: I am not OOP. Do NOT comment on Original Posts. No Brigading! See Rule 7.