I have anger issues, which I can’t control. I am considered conventionally attractive (though I don’t see it) and many people think I’m cool and want to be around me.
Like I said, though, I have anger issues where I will act quite aggressively towards people. One time, someone I knew said hi to me, so I screamed “I HEARD YOU”. I also tend to type very dryly and with periods when I’m upset (which is admittedly ~90% of the time but I can’t control that).
My friend doesn’t talk to me as much and I really don’t get why because even when I’m “aggressive”, it’s tough love and I’m trying to help them. If I didn’t love her, I wouldn’t be like that.
I’m even like this with guys I’ve dated and I love them not as brothers.
Women also piss me off more than men do, so I hang out more with them because I feel like they get me and aren’t as bitchy. (Part of the reason why I’m bi curious but never found a woman I’d date, excluding one I almost went out with).
While I do tend to praise men and ignore women, as some people say, it’s tough love since I think women should be the best versions of themselves :) [I believe this is why society is so hard on women as a whole]
But yeah, TLDR; My mood problems impact the people I care about, and I’m wondering if it’s a turn off since some people don’t want to be around me rather than loving me for me.
I have a reason for my actions, people just choose to ignore those reasons and misinterpret me.
Yes, inability to control your mood, constantly screaming at people, being pissed off and aggressive basically all the time, and being a rude asshole all the time is a major turn off.
I grew up in a family like this, dated a good number of people like this, then eventually figured out: Oh, I have CPTSD and low self esteem from being chronically abused by most of the people in my life, for most of my life, I don’t actually have to put up with their bullshit.
You sound extremely reminiscent of my abusive female ex-partners, full of rage, suspicious of and less friendly toward women (likely because you view them all as competition and/or incompetent), and most importantly, you’re a completely unnacountable and irresponsible narcissist hypocrite.
You do understand why people don’t react well to you being aggressive and pissy all the time.
This reveals that you do understand that your friend doesn’t like it when you are aggressive.
But you rationalize away your aggressiveness as the cause of your friend avoiding you with the intention underlying your action.
Your intention doesn’t matter.
What you actually do, how you actually do it is what matters.
If I perform a surgery with the intention of saving someone’s life, but I fuck up when I use a chainsaw instead of a scalpel to make the initial incision, my patient is now dead, and I am responsible, regardless of my intention.
…
No one has any obligation to deal with your anger issues other than you.
No one owes you their friendship or affection, de facto, just because you believe they do.
You should seek intensive therapy, probably look for a CBT specialist, at the very least, learn how to self reflect and apologize for doing things that make others flee from you…
…otherwise you’ll soon find that your anger issues do indeed affect you, by making you unable to have any healthy relationships with anyone, leaving all the people you care about no longer caring about you.
EDIT:
People are not misintrepeting you, and you know it.
You state that you are upset, ie, prone to a rude or aggressive interaction 90% of the time.
People are not misinterpreting your behavior.
Your behavior is abusive 90% of the time, and you just think that’s everyone else’s problem, not yours.
… Would you want to be friends with someone who is pissed off and abusive 90% of the time?
Honest, serious question:
Are you capable of actually imagining interactions with yourself from the other person’s point of view?
Can you do that, mentally transport yourself into someone else’s shoes, without immediately adding in all the rationalizations that you didn’t actually communicate, that only exist in your head?
To be honest, not really, that’s why I ask these sorts of things and don’t know how to fix it. I can’t understand tone or nuance, I don’t feel guilty about things (my sense of right or wrong is only determined by competence and what benefits me, and also what people tell me is wrong.)
I can imagine it slightly, but I have trouble caring that it hurts them. (I know it’s wrong but I don’t feel bad)
I got kicked off a team, but I knew my behavior had a bad impact because someone told me it did. I only knew bullying was wrong when it happened to me. If it gets me more friends, it’s not wrong. If it makes people hate me, it is wrong, but it’s also on them because I don’t deserve this type of treatment.
That’s called being a sociopath, more recently, Anti Social Personality Disorder.
https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/sociopath#sociopath-vs-psychopath
Your sense of morality revolves only around whatever has a beneficial or detrimental effect on yourself, you seem to genuienly have nearly no innate concept of how socializing works.
As far as I know, there’s no way you can … ‘fix’ sociopathy, just as with myself there’s no way I can ‘fix’ being autistic.
But… that doesn’t mean you can’t learn your own coping skills, learn the general rules of acceptable behavior, learn how a ‘normal’ or neurotypical mind generally works, and how that differs from how your own mind works.
I actually had a friend who was a diagnosed sociopath.
No innate ability to reflexively emphasize with others.
But he did the work.
He went to therapists and counselors, he learned to stop and ask people how his actions made them feel, he learned what generally is and is not socially acceptable, he learned how to be a more pleasant person to be around, how humble himself and own responsibility for his actions and the things he’d say to other people.
He didn’t want to harm people, and you may not either.
But he had to put in significantly more work than the average person to do so, and you likely will as well, if you do actually want to be able to have functional relationships with other people.