Ok, I have no idea why this bothers me and I don’t even know what to call it. My husband is a “come here” guy. Something he thinks is interesting and wants to show me - hey, come here! Nuclear apocalypse - hey, come here! Why the hell wont he just tell me why he wants me to get up, trudge to wherever he is, so that he can reveal the surprise like some sort of performative art ? I never know if it’s going to be legitimate, a disaster, or something stupid. The walk to wherever he is is insanely stressful because the whole time I’m running through all possible horrible scenarios (we’ve had a lot of issues at the house lately so I never know if I’m going to find water in the basement or raccoons in the attic or a hole in my foundation, or just him looking at a funny cat video). I’d rather he say “hey, babe, something is happening wherever/whatever, come see this.” Instead I have to have the whole performance and reveal and I fucking hate it. Anyone else know what I’m talking about or am I just mental ?
you need to talk to your partner and go to counseling forthwith.
Not OP here, what do I do if this is my mother?
Talk to your mother and go to counseling, or don’t talk to your mother and go to counseling
LOL wish I knew, because my mom makes this look silly. it would take three novels to explain. I went down to visit recently, and my sister and aunt were there, bless them, lovely people. Best advice I got is look out for those you care about. If you’re the only one left, then focus on you.
Had the same problem with my mum and she did not take my complaints serious in the slightest. Especially with the pandemic, she got so used to just calling me whenever.
I’m not fully convinced this couldn’t be solved in a less nuclear way, especially if you don’t have my mum, but I ended up resolving that issue, along with many others, by moving out.
Talk to them and go to counselling if it can’t be solved with a chat
Depends roughly on how old you are. Take these age ranges with a grain of salt, but:
If you’re young, college age or younger, and still living under her roof, pick your battles but chances are excellent you’ll get up at least some of the time just to preserve the free or discounted rent situation.
If you’re between college age and retirement age, you’ll either work it out with her as a mostly-equal adult OR you’ll go fully passive-aggressive, sit-on-my-ass, you-come-to-me – until you move the fuck out. (Why are you still there, anyway? Setbacks are one thing, but if it looks like a forever thing, take a moment and reconsider your life choices.)
If you’re over retirement age, you’ll hop up like Almighty God herself was calling you, because now your mom is very old and very frail and very forgetful, and you REALLY don’t want to have the cops calling you because they just found her wandering around the intersection in front of the Walmart a couple miles down the road, so you hop off your ass NOW if you even think you hear her call out.
I think I get it, and maybe I’m wrong but it could be that you find it annoying because you don’t know how to set up boundaries.
Basically if someone tells me to come here without telling me what’s all about, and I don’t want to go all the way there- I don’t go. I just yell back at them, “what is it?” Until they tell me. If they don’t, I don’t go. If they insist, I can explain I’m either busy or don’t feel like moving my lazy arse for something I don’t know what is it about.
It took me a while to realize how fundamentally important boundaries were to my mental health and well being. It’s super simple, so its often overlooked. It solves many many issues.
This. Learn to set boundaries of something stresses you out
When I was growing up, my mom would do this all the time. My approach was mostly the same, she would shout, “Come here!” and I would request a reason. Most of the time she said she needed help and it would turn out to be nothing.
As I got older, I realized she was actually trying to connect with me because I was distancing myself. I don’t know if this is also what’s going on with OP and partner, and I won’t assume that’s the case. Sometimes people don’t know how to properly vocalize when they’re lonely and want to spend time with you.
I’m going to guess that it doesn’t occur to him that when someone demands your attention like that, you imagine the worst. It might help him to know that.
I’m like you in that regard. I got used to asking back “Is there a problem?” That seemed to help me feel less stress sooner.
Maybe the combination of these two things would help.
Good luck.
Imagine not talking to your partner about this and instead posting online
It’s called nostupidquestions for a reason, my friend and judgment like yours prevents other people’s growth, however late that maybe.
So I’m your husband and my wife is you. I can tell you the reason I do it is that it can be difficult for me to necessarily formulate exactly what I want to say about what I want to show you. I want to share whatever experience it is, but trying to explain exactly why stresses me out.
On the flip side my wife will just tell me what she saw after the fact and I’m left there thinking “…why didn’t you tell me to come look.”
My problem is with ADHD. Sometimes, I can explain perfectly.
Other times, the words are there, but the brain is processing too much; too fast. So ‘come here’ or ‘look at this’ is the best I can muster.
I know the words and phrases to describe it, but it’s clogged up. So my brain reverts to: Why many word?
Sounds like the only solution is to go slow the other person what your talking about, if able.
You’re not alone. My wife does this all the time, usually by text, which is even more annoying since we’re always within earshot of each other.
I think it bothers you (and me) because it’s akin to someone ringing a bell for their servant. It doesn’t value your time at all to simply call you over with no context.
Once in a while? Fine. Always? That’s just being disrespectful.
I’ve simply resorted to “what is it?”, “I’m busy right now” or “I’ll come later”, and that usually ends up with a “never mind”, so I know it was never something important enough to stop what I was doing.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect. At least this is why I text people I could just as easily talk to.
Texting is inherently asynchronous. Your wife is telling you, “This isn’t urgent. Read it whenever you get the chance.” If you’re in the middle of something, texting is less obtrusive than if they just started talking with you out of nowhere.
This is just my personal interpretation. Only you can decide if it makes sense in the context of your relationship.
If your wife is using text instead of talking to you, I would consider that a sign of respect.
Nah, she’s just super lazy. LOL
She knows I’ll be working, but I have to “come here” because “Can you bring up my water?”… literally just ask me to bring up water and save me two trips and 15 minutes to get back into what I was doing!
It’s a habit that needs to be deprogrammed.
I’m sorry if this comes off harsh, I think your response requires this question. Is your wife a computer or a person? She has her own set of feelings, thoughts, and needs that she could find difficult to communicate with you for some reason. You need to be certain you’re properly respecting the person you are in a committed relationship, that includes making sure she can properly communicate what she needs with you without feeling like an inconvenience or a chore.
I say all this because I’ve been there, I’ve treated people in my life like they were inconveniencing me and ultimately it ruined relationships. It’s not fun on the other end of that.
that includes making sure she can properly communicate what she needs with you without feeling like an inconvenience or a chore.
I didn’t come here to be reminded I feel this way. I just came for the memes.
For someone outside your home, I would agree with this. But for someone in the house, especially within earshot, I feel it’s the exact opposite. Just talk to me, use your words, and tell me what you want.
I can relate. I’m a words person. If my wife tells me to come see something, I’m thinking “just fucking tell me.” If I click on a news link, and it’s a video instead of an article, it’s the same thing: “just fucking tell me.” But not everybody is a words person.
I fucking abhor how all information on the internet has become videos instead of text plus pictures. Very rarely does video add anything useful, and you can’t easily search it or quote it. It’s such a stupid way to share basic information 99% of the time.
And you can’t skim a video. It’s a waste of time.
This is a pet peeve of mine as well.
Long ago I noticed that on Star Trek, nobody wanted to tell the captain what was going on over the comms, they wanted the captain to stop what they were doing and go to a different part of the ship / station. I always eyerolled at the absurdity of the staff having so little respect for the captain’s time.
Then it started happening to me. I’m not a captain, my time isn’t that important, but have a little respect for what I’m currently engaged in? maybe?
This sounds like a you problem that can only be resolved by talking to him about it. Maybe a counselor or therapist if necessary.
Yeah, kinda sounds like the husband may just be unaware of what’s ticking OP off. Even if they show displeasure, if they don’t properly verbalize it, they may just be annoyed at the subject matter, rather than how the husband is calling them.
Some people, like me, are daft as hell and need some things to be spelled out for them.
as a boyfriend i talk like this too, i don’t think my girlfriend bothers, but i never thought about it, yes, she need to talk to him cos he never gonna know
Sounds like you should take this up to him, and ask him yourself, having communication is really important, and remember, you could be doing something that also annoys him and he doesn’t say anything
Not the same but my husband used to start to tell me something bad, without any other info. As he’d be telling me whatever it was, I’d be tallying the cost in my head. When you’re listening to a story, and stressing the fuck out about the tens of thousands, or more it was going to cost to fix its terrible and an emotional roller coaster you don’t need. Eventually, after explaining multiple times, what he was doing to me, it finally clicked. So now he’ll tell me things like “so, I broke the blah blah, but I was able to fix it for $10 and some bloody knuckles.” Then he tells his story, and I’m able to actually listen and participate in then conversation.
He also used to tell me stuff like “oh btw we need to talk about xxx” and then try to get off the phone. Xxx was always something that could be really bad or just funny story. I broke him of that habit too. Now it’s more like “everything’s fine, just need to talk about xxx” this one’s like someone telling you “we need to talk” and then leaving you hanging for a day or two imo.
Only thing I call tell you is to talk to him. Explain in great detail exactly how stressful it is to you. He SHOULD be willing to change his action to stop hurting you. If he’s not, base your choices off that.
Other advices are good, talk to him and explain how hard it is on you.
My suggestion is not to expect fast change even if he understands the problem. This habits are hard to change, but possible. Just talk to him and talk again and again until he changes it.
Another idea is that he is, unintentionally, projecting his stress onto you. I would guess he dies have some anxiety or depression issues, maybe evem he is not avare of. This is socially acceptable way of showing it to his partne.
My mother is like this as well, when I was little she used to only say “come here!”, and if I wasn’t showing up right next to her she wouldn’t say what she wanted to say, she would just stay silent. Sometimes it was only to let me know it was someone’s birthday.
She even says it unconsciously now. She lives in Venezuela, I live in Brazil now, and during calls she still says “come here” and every time I tell her “Now how am I gonna go there right now? Are you paying for the plane tickets?”
It’s not just you, you’re not mental, it’s fucking frustrating and at some point in my life I just decided not to react to her “come here” and keep quiet until she tells me what she wants, otherwise I’m not interested.
20 years ago when my wife and I first got together, we had a lot of minor issues like this (minor to me not for you).
She was a “come here” lady and I would prance, leap, breathe like a dog, move my head in joyous ways and bark as I came to her. It was a hilarious way for me to say it’s kinda disrespectful.
It’s all about communication. Just have a talk.
When my wife sees something interesting while in the car, she just points and says, “look!” And by the time I figure out what I’m supposed to look at, it’s already gone.
When this happens to me, I pick out the most obvious thing in the general direction my partner has pointed and say something about it, like “wow, that is a lot of trees!”
Makes my partner immediately explain what they saw, and I remind them that they’ve got to be specific. It’s gotten better.
