I just have to get this off my chest but I can’t talk about it too anyone who knows me in real life.
About ten years I started a new job an instantly hit off with a co-worker. We had a ton of similar interests and she was super easy for my anti social self to talk too And holy shit the level of pure chemistry we had, I didn’t even know that was possible. Only problem was I was married and she was engaged.
Over the next couple years we managed to keep our hands off each other only because one of us anyways had to stay sober enough to drop the other off and we both knew drunk consent isn’t consent. We became the kinda friends that know things about each other no other person does. But things never went farther than the rare nude or a hand that would linger too long in passing.
Once I quit that job we both broke off all contact and I haven’t talked to her since. I’m married thirteen years now, last I checked she was married with kids. And yet I still can’t get her out of my mind. All of my best dreams are about her. I honestly think that if there was one thing I could fix about my life it would be to go back and make it work with her.
This is a really shitty feeling I haven’t been able to get over for ten years. Maybe getting it out there will help and this ain’t the kind of shit I could tell anyone in real life.
If you haven’t talked to them for ten years, then you do not have crush on them. You have a crush on an idealized person that existed a decade ago.
Anyway I get the feeling, it sucks and it’s hard. Focus on the joy you and your wife bring each other.This. Sure, you had chemistry, but you didn’t even have a romantic relationship then. Take care of your wife. Fall back in love with her. Speaking from experience, comrade.
Speaking from experience, comrade.
That was one of my favorite posts of all time.
Everyone has one, it’s normal. 10 years is a long time. I was a Romney republican 10 years ago lol. This person is a stranger to you.
Love is a workhorse man. It’s not always sexy. Usually not tbh.
I’m not saying it wasn’t a hecka cool chemistry, but it can be very easy to idealise partners with whom you never actually had a relationship. Because you both never actually explored that, neither of you ever had to find out what aspects about it you would’ve disliked, or even downright hated.
From that position, it’s very easy to fantasize about how absolutely perfect it all would’ve been, but this is the ‘grass is always greener’ problem. The practically certain reality is that it wouldn’t have been perfect. It might’ve been good, but like everything in the world, it would have had its own plethora of issues that you’d hate getting entangled with.
Nonetheless comrade, I get it. I still fantasize about people I hit it off with years ago, and it feels terribly sad that we never kept up whatever we had going. The phrase that gets stuck in my head:
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, “It might have been.”
For all sad words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these, “It might have been.”
Yeah that’s about right, one of the last things we said to each other was “maybe in the next life.”
Don’t mistake this for love. This phenomenon is called limerence, and it can be very toxic in the long run.
This happened to me once. I met them two years later, and I realized that my attraction wasn’t really about that person - indeed, I was bored on that date - but about feeling wanted, desired, and understood.
I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t someone to this person soley for the purpose to console them, to comfort them, to heal their damaged psyche from a traumatic childhood. We were there searching for a companion to be happy with. It felt like acceptance and understanding, a transcendent and tranquil state after emotional catharsis and reconciliation from past trauma and regret. Still, the moment had passed and that was the last I saw of them.
I know it’s not love, just a crush and one on some who doesn’t even really exist. Wasn’t familiar with the word but Limerence is pretty spot on except I know it was reciprocated way back then and fortunately these feeling mostly come in waves so it’s not something I have to deal with all the time.
Researchers Willmot and Bentley note that there is a consistent correlation between limerence and those with anxiety, depression, and substance use.
Couldn’t be me
I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t someone to this person solely for the purpose to console them, to comfort them, to heal their damaged psyche from a traumatic childhood.
Holy shit do I feel that. Hell that may even be a big part of it. My dumb ass always fell for the most broken people, she might have been the first/only person I was ever interested in who wasn’t just a bundle of trauma and mental health problems.
I still think about past people that I loved and cared about. I don’t fantasize about a future or what ifs but acknowledge the humanity and comfort I felt when dipping into nostalgia.
Ready to read a cheesy proverb? Be grateful that you had those moments and cherish them; it is you who wields those emotions and memories not the other way around.
You were once loved, are loved, and will be loved.
Appreciate you introducing me to the idea of “limerance”
it never leaves. they squeezed your heart and the finger prints won’t disappear. maybe writing a letter to her would help. maybe it wouldn’t. i don’t know, i’ve never been married.
I would not do this
