I just have to get this off my chest but I can’t talk about it too anyone who knows me in real life.

About ten years I started a new job an instantly hit off with a co-worker. We had a ton of similar interests and she was super easy for my anti social self to talk too And holy shit the level of pure chemistry we had, I didn’t even know that was possible. Only problem was I was married and she was engaged.

Over the next couple years we managed to keep our hands off each other only because one of us anyways had to stay sober enough to drop the other off and we both knew drunk consent isn’t consent. We became the kinda friends that know things about each other no other person does. But things never went farther than the rare nude or a hand that would linger too long in passing.

Once I quit that job we both broke off all contact and I haven’t talked to her since. I’m married thirteen years now, last I checked she was married with kids. And yet I still can’t get her out of my mind. All of my best dreams are about her. I honestly think that if there was one thing I could fix about my life it would be to go back and make it work with her.

This is a really shitty feeling I haven’t been able to get over for ten years. Maybe getting it out there will help and this ain’t the kind of shit I could tell anyone in real life.

  • Zodiark [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    0·
    4 months ago

    Don’t mistake this for love. This phenomenon is called limerence, and it can be very toxic in the long run.

    This happened to me once. I met them two years later, and I realized that my attraction wasn’t really about that person - indeed, I was bored on that date - but about feeling wanted, desired, and understood.

    I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t someone to this person soley for the purpose to console them, to comfort them, to heal their damaged psyche from a traumatic childhood. We were there searching for a companion to be happy with. It felt like acceptance and understanding, a transcendent and tranquil state after emotional catharsis and reconciliation from past trauma and regret. Still, the moment had passed and that was the last I saw of them.

    • Ithorian [comrade/them, he/him]@hexbear.netOPEnglish
      0·
      4 months ago

      I know it’s not love, just a crush and one on some who doesn’t even really exist. Wasn’t familiar with the word but Limerence is pretty spot on except I know it was reciprocated way back then and fortunately these feeling mostly come in waves so it’s not something I have to deal with all the time.

      Researchers Willmot and Bentley note that there is a consistent correlation between limerence and those with anxiety, depression, and substance use.

      Couldn’t be me

      I wasn’t needed. I wasn’t someone to this person solely for the purpose to console them, to comfort them, to heal their damaged psyche from a traumatic childhood.

      Holy shit do I feel that. Hell that may even be a big part of it. My dumb ass always fell for the most broken people, she might have been the first/only person I was ever interested in who wasn’t just a bundle of trauma and mental health problems.

      • Zodiark [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
        1·
        4 months ago

        I still think about past people that I loved and cared about. I don’t fantasize about a future or what ifs but acknowledge the humanity and comfort I felt when dipping into nostalgia.

        Ready to read a cheesy proverb? Be grateful that you had those moments and cherish them; it is you who wields those emotions and memories not the other way around.

        You were once loved, are loved, and will be loved.