It’s weird, in the moment, I get blindsided by an interaction and only after it’s over to I realize I said or went along with things I didn’t want to. I’m trying so hard not to talk to people and I want to change that. I’m avoiding people because I’m scared of interacting and getting it wrong.
I can protect myself, but that means against everyone. Like I can deflect with humor or defend myself and so I keep people at a distance. I’m pushing people away, I’m avoiding them that badly. Because the truth is, I don’t assert myself at all. I’m afraid that asserting myself will hurt people.
But I know I’m hitting a wall and that’s from me not being assertive.
How do you know when you’re doing too much or too little assertiveness? Do you have an internal sense of that? The way I sense it is by looking at the person for signs of pain or discomfort when I talk. So I hold back when I know what I’m saying might be something they don’t want to hear.
What helps you know when you’re being appropriately assertive?
Assertiveness isn’t something that exists in a vacuum. “How do you know when you are being assertive enough” - is like asking, “How do you know if you’re running fast enough” - well, what are you running from, and is it catching up to you yet? Your level of assertiveness is enough when it’s sufficient to protect you from others and get what you want/need from them.
You say you tone down your assertiveness because you’re concerned about hurting others. But by not asserting yourself, you are hurting yourself. You compromise on things you want/need and disrespect yourself. You are also a person and so if you hurt yourself in this way it’s also a really bad thing! But you might be so sensitive to the potential pain of others that you have become numb to the sensation of your own present pain.
Or, to put it another way, you may have learned to devalue yourself relative to others to such an extent that their discomfort is “real” or “valid”, but yours is “fake,” “exaggerated,” something you need to manage or get over. This is a message we get societally when we’re neurodivergent.
I believe the holistic direction out of this place is to become alive to the pain you are currently accepting for yourself. You are sensitive to the needs of others. You are afraid of hurting them. But that hurt is already happening, to you, in your body. Can you stop it?