I thought she just didn’t want to do sex stuff or cuddle or show affection…
Anyway I just thought it was important to let the world know that you can be volcel army and still be in a committed ten year relationship. In fact isn’t that what true comradeship is built on?
Weapons grade cope aside, I think I’m one of those weird types of humans who needs affection and so on. Am I really going to have to start dating again? FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
Nah seriously. I think this is a cry for help or advice. I love this person and I’m not sure how well I’d be able to juggle non-monogamy-with-emotional-characteristics.
Has anyone navigated these waters? Regale me with your stories. Good or bad, it’s all the same to me.
Have you talked with them about your needs? I’m guessing if it’s been 10 years probably, but this is definitely something that’s very specific to your relationship with this person and their willingness to budge as well as your willingness to budge.
That said, if you both have limits and those limits become an issue that can’t be resolved, then you just need to find out how you want to handle that as people who love each other in your own ways
You ask really good questions. Unfortunately they don’t really have simple answers, as far as I can tell. Like, the best way I can think to phrase it is, there’s nothing I would want if it isn’t enthusiastically volunteered.
But if our relationship has hard limits that I don’t want to have become my hard limits by defacto… then… is problem.
This is all so confusing cuz I have legit been doing this volcel thing for multiple years now in the context of this relationship. I’m so far removed at this point that I don’t even know if what I’m not getting from this relationship is even that important compared to the benefits of stable and reliable mutual support from someone I admire and respect and love.
(rambling out loud here I forget if I was even trying to make a point anymore)
i’m actually in a nearly-identical situation, including the “nearly 10 years” bit. it’s…difficult, particularly if you’re the sort of person who, as you said, doesn’t want something unless it’s enthusiastically offered.
i don’t really have any useful advice, unfortunately, but i just wanted you to know you’re not alone. i hope you can strike a balance that works for you both.
I really appreciate the supportive words. It does help. I’m sure we’ll figure it out eventually.
I hope your situation develops for the better too.
It’s really nice to see that you care enough to give it some deep thought and reach out for advice. Good job.
That’s an interesting comment to post that reply to.
Ok maybe I’m wrong but it sounds like maybe you need to show your partner that you will to make an effort for them to be attracted to you? Like maybe they are kind of “over” the relationship and afraid to leave you and/or don’t want to hurt you, but trying to give you a chance to make an effort without being able to communicate that well.
Or maybe not.
Maybe a relationship counselor could help you both communicate with each other better. If you want to save this relationship you are going to have to really put in some effort either way.
But maybe you know that it is not going to happen and you should move on and need someone to give you permission to do that?
That sounds pretty insulting to just ignore what your partner said and harass them into having sex.
There’s a huge difference between making an effort for someone to be attracted to you and harassing them into having sex. That’s a wildly unfair leap.
You can trust someone when they say they don’t want to have sex. Everyone here is doing that, there’s not a single hint of evidence to the contrary. Especially if you have a long-standing relationship with someone, it can be worth inquiring a little further as to why they don’t want to have sex. There’s a chance it’s based on material conditions that the partner who wants more sex can change. Maybe it’s a matter of attraction and they need to put more effort into their appearance. Maybe it’s work related, and the partner who doesn’t want sex’s job or life is causing stress that’s making sex completely undesirable. Maybe there’s psychological hangups about the state of the relationship in other ways. It might be an abuse situation. It might also be that the partner who doesn’t want sex has simply realized that they are purely through and through ace and are happier not having sex. Some of these things are situations where the higher sex drive partner can put in an effort and have that effort not be “harass[ing] them into having sex”.
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Sorta my bad for trying to make this comment both general and specific, that makes it a bit confusing, but I will say that OP and her partner have had a sexual relationship in the past, so if nothing else, her partner hasn’t always been ace. That doesn’t mean that you can negotiate them out of it, that doesn’t mean that there is definitely some way to her partner having sexual desire any more that doesn’t mean that her partner isn’t happy with being ace, I just take issue with any attempt to rebuild what existed in the past through effort and communication being called “harassment”.
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Aces engage in sex. Engaging in sex doesn’t mean she isn’t ace. And just because someone doesn’t want to have sex doesn’t mean they’re not ace. Ace just means a like of sexual attraction to others. Sex can still be fun without sexual attraction, so some aces regularly engage in sex because they want to.
On the other hand, there’s already a lot of society pressure to engage in sex and a lot of aces just do it because they feel they’re expected to. And many people don’t realize they are ace for a long time (for me, I realized in my late 20’s and there’s lots of people who realize a lot later). I think it tends to more be women who realize so later because they assume all women lack sexual attraction and only engage in it as part of their duties as a good partner to satisfy their partner’s needs.
My comment was in the context of this specific case. I wasn’t making a general claim. Communication is good. Which seems to have been happening over the last few years. Their partner’s design to no longer engage in sexual activities seems to have been made extremely clear. Ignoring that and continuing to try to pressure them into sex is harassment.
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Yeah, my instincts tell me this is roughly the shape of things to come, or at least the correct shape of things to tentatively explore when the time is right. “queerplatonic” is a nice word.
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No experience, but seems like trying out non-monogomy would be the best way to find out how it works for you? If it doesn’t work, then you get to decide what’s important to you then.
Yeah it’s looking like I’ll have to have another shot at it I suppose if this state of affairs is going to be permanent.
I kinda dated a guy year before last, but last I heard he’s living with the man of his dreams. I sure know how to pick em.
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