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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-04-15 06:01:03.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throwaway47292693

AITAH for wanting to divorce my wife because she got a reduction?

Originally posted to r/AITAH & r/DeadBedrooms

TRIGGER WARNING: sexism, body shaming, emotional abuse

Original Post  March 27, 2024

Basically the title. I (30M) and my wife (29F) have been together for 6 years married for 2. I have a type, and based on my past relationships and the women I’m attracted to, it’s not subtle. I like curvy women. And my wife happens to fot this type to a tee. She thick, and ai appriciate that. I have been with other types of women, and simply put thinner women don’t do it for me. I mention this because I think that attraction in a big part of a relationship. I could love a person’s personality all day long but if I’m not attracted to them, it’s not being to work.

Very early in our relationship she told me that she wanted a reduction as she felt like they didn’t fit her frame and that they caused her to receive unwanted attention. I asked her if they caused her pain, she said that they didn’t. I told her that I could understand doing something so drastic if they caused her pain or discomfort, or if it needed to be done for medical reasons, but for what boils down to just for aesthetics seemed a bit much. She didn’t really agree or disagree and more or less just dropped the subject, as did I.

Fast forward 5 years and we have been married for a year at this point. Out of nowhere she said that she had an appointment with a doctor to talk about a reduction. I was kind of surprised because I figured that at the very least she would mention it to me. I understand that it’s not my place to tell her what she can or can’t do with her body, but idk, I thought she would have said something even in passing. After her appointment I thought that we should at the very least sit down and talk about her undergoing a massive surgery. I asked her about her appointment but she seemed cagey about the details. Eventually she opened up and told me that she was playing this close to her chest (no pun intended) because she knew that I would try and talk her out of it. I told her that I’m her husband and that I wouldn’t try and talk her out of it but I did want to make clear that, for the lack of a better phrase, actions have consequences. She said that she understood that, but her chest makes her feel too self conscious and she wants to go through with it. I told her that I understood and would stand by her.

So she gets the procedure done and after all the healing and swelling went down she was left with a small B. We have been intimate a few times over the  few weeks after she felt like everything was good and it’s been a struggle. The size is really messing with me, but not only that, the scars are brutal. I have a thing about scars that just give me the ick. Even when I had my own surgery, my own scars gave me the chills in the worst way possible. I opted for doggy style and reverse cowgirl so I didn’t have to see the scars, but my wife knew something was off. She would switch positions so we could face each other, and it’s been the end every time. I made up some bullshit about lower back pain, and doggy style being the most comfortable position for me. She got upset and accused me of not finding her attractive. I didn’t want to keep lying to her, but at the same time if I agreed I think thay would have crushed her, so I just walked away from the conversation. I know, it’s not a great move to pull if I want a healthy relationship, but I didn’t know what else to do. After that, I pulled back from initiating because I’m just not into it anymore. I would accept her advances as her libido is lower than mine, but I’ve pulled away from that as well because her chest is really unappealing to me. After a few weeks of me not initiating, she confronted me about it. I tried to brush it off by saying that I was stressed and tired (lying felt kinder than saying that her flat chest makes her look like a child and the scars make me want to dry heave) but she wasn’t having it. I sat her down and reminded her that her actions would have consequences. She blew up at me, calling me shallow and telling me that “this wouldn’t matter to a real man.” She asked if I still loved her, I said that I did, but that doesn’t mean that meant that I was obligated to sleep with her, and if the roles were reversed she would say that this dynamic is borderline abusive.

That conversation was like a month ago and since then, things have been icy at best. I will want to cuddle with her and spend time with her but she has rejected my offers to spend time with her at every turn. It feels shitty because this entire situation was caused by her. She made the decision to get this done, despite my concerns. She knew how much scars deeply affected me and she pushed a specific kind of sex onto me despite me trying to work around this. And now that the consequences of her actions are affecting her she is mad at me. I am going out of my way to offer her physical intimacy outside of sex to show that I still love her and that I’m still there for her but she’s not having any of it. I know that she’s hurt because while I won’t admit to it, she knows that I’m not attracted to her, at least with her shirt off anymore. And that probably feels crushing, but she brought this upon herself. At this point I don’t know where else to go from here. I feel like she won’t forgive me, and to be honest this whole thing has caused some resentment towards her so I feel that divorce is our only option at this point.

So AITAH if I get a divorce over this?

Edit: Those of you saying that saying that I only loved my wife for her boobs, read the 4th paragraph, and then read it again until it makes sense to you. Sound the words out if you have to. Not only is that take reductive as hell, but it’s also flat out incorrect. Is the size an issue for me, yes. But it’s not the end all be all, I know that attraction is very much learned, but I’d like to do that at my pace. And constantly putting fresh scars in my face when we are intimate is not how you go about that.

My issue is two-fold.

1. She allowed the glinces of strangers supercede my comfort with the situation. She put herself into debt just to appease the thoughts and opinions of other people.

2. She is not letting me adjust at my own pace. I love my wife, and I love being with my wife, but forcing me to look at something that I find deeply disturbing is kinda fucked up. I’ve offered solutions that could work for us perfectly but it seems that unless the only words out of my mouth are “great decision honey, your new boobs are way better than your old ones” she doesn’t want to hear it.

Because of those two factors this is hard for me to look past. Especially since, this wasn’t a necessary thing to do. I haven’t even gotten into the fact that insurance refused to cover the surgery because it was technically a cosmetic surgery and she put herself in debt to do this which pushes us back from buying the house we want. All around this was selfish and pointless. Literally hustling backwards.

I started a deadbedroom  Apr 2, 2024

I (HLM30) started a deadbedroom with my (29HLF) wife.

Essentially she made a unilateral decision to get a breast reduction for cosmetic reasons. I tried to get used to it but my issues are multifaceted.

1.after all the swelling went down she’s left with a B cup. She’s flat chested and it feels very gross to me, like I’m looking a a child. It fucks with me mentally as am I used to seeing large breasts when we used to have sex, so seeking her so flat just makes it feel inappropriate.

1. Her scars are fucking terrible. I have a strong aversion to scarring and scars in general. Her scars have being absolutely brutal. Red and raised all the time. I even thought that she had an infection, but she tells me that her scars are red for a long time.

2. I’m simply not into flat chested women. It’s just not for me.

3. I’m angry that she would make such a bold decision with basically no heads up or room for feedback.

4. With how they look between the flatness and the scarring not pnly does it do  nothing for me, but they actively turn me off when I see them.

I used to out her in positions like doggy style and reverse cowgirl where I could at least focus on other things but it’s like she puts them in my face on purpose. She even confirmed that theory when she told me that she wanted to face me while we have sex so she can “make sure I’m still attracted to her”. And to be frank, I have lost a lot of attraction towards her. I told her the truth, I said that her chest is turning me off and that I would like to work around that for the time being until I can grow some attraction towards them, but she freaked out on me. I suggested she wear a shirt, or if we can have her face away from me and she said that’s degrading (fair). I asked if she can wear lace bras or lingerie so it’s sexy for the both of us but she says that it feels like I’m just trying to cover her up. To be fair to her, I am, but it’s what I’m comfortable with. She either balks at every suggestion or…

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