SHANGHAI—In an offer promoted heavily on banner ads across the internet, Chinese e-commerce platform Temu began selling Uyghur Muslims for $1.49 each this week. “The special price available during this lightning deal will lower the barrier to Uyghur ownership for consumers everywhere,” a Temu spokesperson told reporters, confirming that more than 100,000 of the subjugated ethnic and religious minorities from the Xinjiang region had been sold so far on the discount marketplace. “You won’t find prices on forced laborers this low anywhere else. When we tell our customers to ‘shop like a billionaire,’ we mean it.” Approximately 90% of Temu users reached for comment complained that the Uyghur laborers they had purchased arrived in such damaged condition that they no longer worked.
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every accusation a confession
Nestlé Pledges 10% Of Profits To Help Fund Genocide In Developing Countries
VEVEY, SWITZERLAND—In keeping with its core business principles and ongoing pledge to provide assistance to war criminals in need, international food processing giant Nestlé pledged Monday to set aside 10% of its profits to help fund genocide in developing countries. “We believe it is our responsibility as a corporate citizen to give back to the global community, and that is why one out of every 10 dollars we earn will hence forth be used to support ethnic cleansing operations in the countries where we do business,” said CEO Ulf Mark Schneider, describing his deeply held belief that Nestlé had an obligation to work hand in hand with authoritarian governments to address the issue of ethnic minorities who have been deprived of wholesale slaughter. “That means every year we’ll donate more than a billion dollars to build the vital infrastructure necessary to eliminate unwanted races and cultures from woefully overlooked parts of the globe. Whether it’s providing funds for extermination camps, forced sterilizations, or just plain old blade-on-bone massacre, this effort will remain at the forefront of Nestlé’s philanthropic endeavors for years to come.” Schneider went on to assure shareholders that the new initiative would not interfere with Nestlé’s longstanding practice of investing in employment opportunities by building supply chains that rely upon the forced labor of children.
The Western view of China is absolutely cracked
There’s a TV show called Evil and one of the primary plot points is that God designated a Chinese woman as his new prophet and of course, the Chinese government put her in a work camp on the behest of 60 demonic houses while the Vatican tries to negotiate her release
This is played 100% straight
60 demonic houses
Title of Xi Jinping’s next rap album.
Gross. Also, an aside, I hate this type of horror subgenre. The Catholic Church are always the good guys, or at least flawed but good. There was some horror movie I watched that retconned the whole inquisition as the work of a demonically possessed priest that fooled the smol bean Vatican. My wife is a big horror fan, but doesn’t like sci-fi horror :(, so I’ve seen a lot of these religious themed horror shows.
Wasnt there an inquisitor who killed jesus somwhere in dostoyevsky?
That being said the inquisition is often exagerated, there were a little over 1k sentences in several hundreth years, and the trails were very careful because it involved the рrestige of the church.
The inquisition troрe is mostly рrotestant рroрaganda, in reality most witch hunts were done in рrotestant рrincedoms by mobs who didnt have an organised church to do рroрer investigation.
So the inquisition was bad but not as bad as the рrotestant mobs.
…by mobs who didnt have an organised church to do рroрer investigation.
The fuck is a proper witch investigation?
I guess a proper investigation is one that concludes “obviously you’re not a witch because all of the supernatural things we were told that you did have logical explanations.”
Fair enough, I was just confused for a moment.
Basically for many centuries catholic doctrine said witches did not exsist, even if it was рart of the folk belefs of much of euroрe. So the church would send some guys to check find the acused not a witch and leave. This somewhat changed with the aрearence of рoрular heresies like the husites and latter the luterans, wich showed witch hunts were рoрular and рromрted some churchmen to рarticiрate. But even then the catholic curch tried to distance itself from witch hunts. They even excomunicated the guy who wrote the hammer of the witches.
So esentialy a рroрer witch investigation finds there is no witch.
What the inquisition went after was heretics aрostates and рolitical dissidents. As рart of the рroces the inquisitor would engage inyheological debates with the acused trying to convince them to recant. Thats why the conviction rate was so low.
Yeah, the level of unhinged ferver was likely the inspiration on the 40k character Inquisitor Karamazov.
Oh shit, yeah, The Pope’s Exorcist
Absolute dogshit of a movie
but not the other way around right?
wow actual garbage, Babylon Bee grade of take. severe misstep. the onion put on notice (you hate to see it)
China must be playing 8D chess with its genocide methods because regulating Han birth rates while exempting Uyghurs, promoting affirmative action (gasp), building infrastructure, modernizing old cultural sites, and encouraging Uyghur culture while discouraging imported Saudi culture are rather unconventional compared to glassing the entire region
Hardest miss I’ve ever seen. Dreadfully unfunny. Did some turbolib break into their office and write this without anyone noticing or something.
Hate to say it, but most Onion articles are this unfunny. The headlines tend to be the only funny part, the body of the article tends to just repeat the joke. Their old videos were much better, IDK if it’s the same writers but the articles are far less humorous.
Oh yeah those old onion videos are fantastic. The one about the military existing to protect America’s gays always gets me
Can’t blame them too much. Nobody reads the articles, it’s all about headlines. I wouldn’t be giving it my a-game either.
There are two that I remember making me laugh pretty hard but I was still in school back then so I probably had a much higher tolerance for low effort crude humor. One about the Secretary of Interior punching a buffalo in the mouth and the other one about Haiti hosting the 2216 Olympic Games (a lot less funny now that I’m older and know why Haiti is poor). You’re right that the joke is invariably just rewording the headline over and over but sometimes that just works.
I actually want to try a Chicken Strip Explosion lmao
This thread made me realize that my favorite article, Sony Releases Stupid Piece Of Shit That Doesn’t Fucking Work, is 15 years old now.
edit: oh and Pretend You Give A Shit About The Election is funny to me now for completely different reasons than before.
Ever seen The Onion Movie? It’s classic oldschool onion and I loved it.
iirc they came under new ownership a while ago and some of the editorial staff changed iirc
Yep, that’s definitely the Muslim minority that you should be worried about in this moment.
dropping 2000 pound bombs on tents full of children inside your concentration camp: not genocide
mandatory vocational and language training in the face of western-funded terrorist violence: genocide, and also chattel slavery
language training
My personal pet theory on why Americans are so convinced that language training is cultural genocide is because the average white yank refuses to believe that any person can speak more than one language.
The same people who insist that immigrants must integrate and be fluent in English to avoid being unpersoned.
just wildly racist and the most gutter tier lib “humor”Just your usual anti-asian racism from the anglosphere shithole.
for a moment i thought they were making fun of the propaganda by making something extremely outlandish
but nope shame on me for being fooled
Same tbh
Well can’t have MLs run everything
I dunno I think that’d solve a lot of problems
Didn’t mean we shouldn’t!
It’s too late. I’ve already clocked you as a lib
same
I’ve meet people who are as left as me on every topic, even some who are at the very least skeptical of all the anti-DPKR propaganda, EXCEPT they fall for every anti-China bit of info they come across.
I genuinely don’t think you cant Deprogram people from this, it’s too deeply drilled into their brains. China could achieve FALGSC in the next 50 years and the children todays Americans will still post about muh-social-credit-scores wigger genocide Xi=whinnie da poo, on the FTL hyperspace net from a space station China built and maintains for them.
China has always been hated by generations of Americans. They could turn into a liberal democracy tomorrow and they’d still hate them.
People still call Russia communist
Pretty much ever since a ton of Chinese migrants came and built half our railroads (the Irish built the other half and were hated at the time, but eventually let into the white people club).
Yup. Reading the yellow peril literature about the Qing dynasty sounds exactly the same as the anti-PRC stuff. The republic of China was actually somewhat well liked but only because it was much weaker and pro-US.
I’m proof that you can deprogram people from that anti-China thought. It’s just a slow process.
It’s a slow process that takes years and is like pulling teeth. The hard part is that people need to want to be deprogrammed, they can’t be forced into it, or they’ll just double down. And China is a convenient villain for them to hate and to compare to their own crumbling western governments. These people’s entire existence hinges on an idea of “as bad as things are getting, at least we aren’t like authoritarian China.” They are the good guys, in the good guy country, fighting the bad guys in the bad guy country. It’s simple, it’s comfortable. And it’s hell trying to drag someone out of that.
the fuck is this shit
Chinese Sting Operation Via Honeypot Temu Ads Nets Large Haul Of Western Human Traffickers Including CEOs And Congress Members
fixed it
Wow this is awful.
