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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-10-15 04:02:01+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/yupyougotme
I’m wanting to call off my wedding because my fiance is a control freak.
Originally posted to r/Marriage
TRIGGER WARNING: for emotional abuse, verbal abuse, financial abuse, controlling behavior
Original Post Sept 10, 2021
Background: I’m 32, she’s 34, we’re catholic, she has 3 kids from previous marriage.
We were dating for about 8 months then decided to get engaged because things were going well, I felt like she was my person, she felt the same, I did great with the kids, we were both only getting older. Were supposed get married in December, but I don’t want to anymore.
I moved in about a month ago to save money in the name of trying to pay off as much debt before the wedding so we can buy a house soon after. This is when everything changed, I feel, for the worse. She instantly wanted a joint bank account. I didn’t want to because I felt it’d turn into a control situation and it has. When I told her I didn’t want to, she said “well maybe we shouldn’t get married”. She controls every bit of the money and everything else down to what I eat. I have to ask to spend 4 bucks on medicine when I’m fighting a sinus infection. We aren’t hurting for money. I make 75k after taxes. Back story on my health, I have had ulcerative colitis since I was 20. Had my colon removed when I was 25. I literally have to eat more than I use to because I don’t absorb everything like a normal person. She gets mad at how much I eat. I have to sneak food at work. I’ve tried to explain it to her and so has her mom but she doesn’t get it still. She tells me I have to work at least 70hrs a week m-f and what I can on Sat when we don’t have the kids so we have extra. I don’t spend money on ANYTHING. I use my personal money so I have the amount of food I need. This was a fight to get what food I do have for work. Proper nutrition and rest (which if I want to sleep in, I get fussed) are super important due to my health. I mistakenly take something that was for the kids, I get in big trouble. Even if it just cost a buck. Or even if I don’t take some left overs to work that I try to leave for others so im not greedy, I get blamed for wasting food even though she didn’t tell me to take it and has yelled at me for taking too much, so damn if I do, dammed if I don’t, right?
She shows little to no affection. I work 12hrs on my short days, around 15 on my long days. I only have one or two short days a week. I’d like to feel wanted and desired when I come home. But I feel nothing. I don’t ever get a hug, kiss, or any kind of excitement when I get home after a long day. Some of the long days mean I don’t see her for 2-3 days at a time. There’s no sort of excitement, just what more can you do around the house? Hell, ive even gotten in trouble for sitting down for 10 min when I got home one day because I “need to use my time better”…I take care of everything around the house, such as yard work, home repairs, doing everything else when no one feels like it, heaven forbid me if I forget to do one thing after a long day. Getting help from the kids is a chore. Im feeling used and much like I’m just here to give money, do ad much as I can, and if I bring something up, it gets turned back on me.
Am I crazy for not wanting to go thru with this? We already had a talk about how I can’t live like this and it was good for a couple days then back to the regularly scheduled program. So I don’t feel like anything will ever change, ever. When we had the talk she straightened up a bit but over the next few days, she made jokes about what I brought up so I feel like it meant nothing to her at all. I dont know what to do…
RELEVANT COMMENTS
lovekittn
Keep your dignity, move out ASAP, and call this off. You’re not a 4th child for her to manage.
OOP
I’m glad you said this because that’s exactly how I feel, a damn child. The things she says to her children, she says the exact same to me and I’m NEVER allowed to explain anything, ever. She just wants to hear “sorry” and that’s it. The things she says to me, I’d never dream of saying to her
~
TheElusiveHolograph
Come on man. You don’t need Reddit to tell you the answer here. You know what to do.
OOP
I know. I guess I just needed validation because everytime i talk to her, it’s made to feel like this is how it’s supposed to be when there’s kids and we need to budget and there’s little to know affection because she gives it all to the kids and we’re past the honeymoon stage.
Leaving my fiance and starting over. Sept 17, 2021 (1 week later)
We had an additional talk. And some of yall stated that she will say what I want to hear and then it goes back to the same old crap and you were 100% right. I’ve been playing the game and seeing her responses on things. She flips the responses to seemingly be different than they were when really she’s just saying the same thing. For example, I explained that I was still hungry after dinner and she said word for word “I think you should just focus on not being hungry then you won’t want to eat” so I just grabbed a water and went about my business. Like are you kidding me? Right after we had the discussion about my body and my condition.
Anyway, I’ve got a plan together. I won’t be able to enact this plan till Friday next week. The car we got is in both of our names, but im only on the loan as a cosigner. So im getting a rental (because I can afford it when some psycho isn’t cornrolling my money) and I’m loading everything I can in there and heading out of town while she’s at work. I’ll be going to my parents in the next state over. She won’t be able to find me, which is good. I’m so getting a new phone and number before I head out of town. I’ve got my direct deposit changed, new bank account, and while I’m “at work” I’m calling to get her off my credit card and everything. I’m waiting for the payment to post to the card from our joint account (will sometime next week) so im not stuck with the balance that’s on there. I’m also pulling what money is rightfully mine out of the account before I leave and then taking my name off of it. There’s a significant amount in there. Im cutting my losses on what I’ve already paid towards the wedding and everything else, I dont want that money to taint my new money 😅 I’m expecting her to freak the hell out and blow my phone up but I don’t care. Just getting my plan together has been so liberating. On my way to my parents, I’m meeting a really good friend of mine, who’s been here thru this whole process, for lunch. Then on to my parents. I haven’t even told my parents yet so they don’t know.
I’ve got all these crazy ideas of things I want to do and will finally be able to do once I’m out and it feels so damn good. I can’t wait. I dont know if I’m more anxious to get back to who I was, or more anxious about her reaction 🙃 either way, I don’t care. I have to go!
RELEVANT COMMENTS
[deleted]
““I think you should just focus on not being hungry then you won’t want to eat””
how the fuck does someone focus on not being hungry? if my man is hungry, I feed him because I love him.
OOP
Exactly! You’d think that but no. I can see her watching me when we are at her parents. She even scolded me on the car one time because I ate too much chips and cheese dip when her mom made a huge bowl of it aftrr church one day. Her mom has even told her to back off and that I need more food with my condition. She’s told me before when her mom has made me food after church (her mom is a Saint and a retired nurse so she knows) that I shouldn’t have accepted but on the inside I was happy I was getting more food and it was dang good!
~
sheepsclothingiswool
I’ve talked to older men in your position who didn’t leave and, many years later, they are an absolute shell of themselves. Miserable and full of regret. They spent the only life we have to live as a prisoner because they didn’t have the strength to stand up for themselves and walk out. You are so doing the right thing, please update us with the aftermath! Best of luck to you
OOP
Sad thing is, I already feel like a shell of myself. I look forward to going to work every day even though it’s long hours there because I can let my personality fly and be my normal goofy self and make people laugh. If I do it at home, I get told to stop because I act like a kid too much. I’m a big goofy kid at heart and love making the kids laugh and they enjoy it too, but she’s not a fan. Reading and typing this post is liberating in itself. I can’t wait to get back to who I really am.
OOP Clears up confusion about the car
When told to sell the car
The hard part about this is we just made the 1st payment on the car. Thats how new it is. It’s a nice car and I can afford the payments so hopefully she won’t put up a fight with that.
Why is he leaving the car with ex and still making payments
S…
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1g3z7fo/im_wanting_to_call_off_my_wedding_because_my/
Why is he leaving the car with ex and still making payments
Sorry for the confusion. The payments come out of the joint account. Which I’ve stopped my direct deposits to. I’m leaving the car with her so she can’t report it stolen and then I’m thrown in jail or something crazy. So while a rental is expensive I can afford it so to rid my self of any possibilities that’s what I’m doing
Final Update Sept 25, 2021 (8 days after 1st update)
A few have already asked for updates, so here goes. All good news!
I am out, and free and I feel great! I left early in the morning with as much stuff as I could, I went to the next town over and sat in the parking lot waiting for the rental place to open so she wouldn’t have a chance of browsing around town before work and find me. Before I got the rental I got all my money out as well. Aftrt getting the rental I went back to the house to get more stuff, she had I guess gotten the hint and locked me out of the house. But I got all my important and expensive stuff out so that’s good. I went back to the bank, and got a print out of all the transactions from the joint account and I was immediately pissed off. I had to ask for medicine but there were so many Amazon charges, charges for going out to eat, transfers of money to different accounts and everything. But I had to ask to spend 4 bucks on medicine for a sinus infection…it looks like she was transferring money so I couldn’t track it all. I gave the print out to my friend so she can get me a spreadsheet together to track everything easier. While driving down to my parents (4 hrs from where I live), I was able to get all my passwords to every account reset and removed her as an authorized user on everything. Also, before leaving I got a new account/debit card and switched all that over.
After meeting with my parents I went to an old friend’s (someone I’ve known for 10+ years but hadn’t seen in 2). Her mom made me a hell of a meal fit for a king. We later went axe throwing and had a good time. I spent the night there and her mom made me a really good breakfast. Her family is such a good family and they consider me a son so they were happy to have me over. Her mom asked if I just need a key to the house 🤣
This morning, I drove back to my parents and we went to a flea market and I was able to spend my money on whatever I wanted and it felt so good! This is the life I want to live, not a life constrained by a crazy person. I feel great, I’m doing great. Leading up to leaving I was getting super anxious about it and having trouble sleeping. Hell, I saw my ex Monday and some Tuesday but because of my schedule, didn’t see her for 3 days, no I miss you, no nothing, just messages asking me to do things. Also, on the way down, she didn’t try to contact me at all (I left messenger open and will until everything is buttoned up, but everyone else is blocked on everything). She did try to contact my parents but they didn’t answer, thankfully.
I’ve got quite the road ahead of me to get where I want to, but it’ll be am easier road to travel than what I was doing. I’ve already contacted a flight school and will be enrolling to get my private pilots license in the next few months and I can’t wait; it’s been a huge dream of mine since I was little.
This has been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself and my well being. Looking forward to see where things go and where I can take it! Thank you guys again for the sound advice. Only thing I have left to button up is the vehicle we bought, but I ran out of time. I’ve got a meeting with a lawyer next week to get it taken care of.
Much love to yall❤❤.
OOP leaves a final comment. Oct 25, 2021 (1 month after last update)
Haven’t signed on since my last update, but we traded in the car we had together and I got myself something new free and clear of her name. She had 2 friends show up to the dealership. A male friend and female friend. Made me laugh because I showed up with no one. Finally got all my stuff as well. She waited till the last day of course.
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP
DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP’s OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7
I left early in the morning with as much stuff as I could, I went to the next town over and sat in the parking lot waiting for the rental place to open so she wouldn’t have a chance of browsing around town before work and find me. Before I got the rental I got all my money out as well. Aftrt getting the rental I went back to the house
I’m really confused about the logistics of this. How did he get to the next town over and back? Did he take the shared car? How does he get the rental car then, does one of the staff bring it? Why would she be looking for him around town, was it one of his days off so she expected him to stay home? Or would she just notice all the missing things?
