This is gonna be really venty and whiny, sorry, I’m extremely bottled up so I’m blurting out whatever is on my chest right now, so I guess this is a venting post more then anything else.
TW for everything I guess, I don’t know.
spoiler
I can’t ever find help, I can’t ever catch a break, I’m never enough, I’m never allowed to be happy, I’m always judged and bashed, I’m always gaslit and abused by everyone and everything around me, nothing I do ever matters or is enough for people, I’m never ever perfect enough no matter how hard I try, I’m forced to suffer and rot and I have to just accept it and shut up, I’m expected to be a psychic and know everything about everything and somehow magically cure myself and fly to the moon like superman, oh what’s that? You need more then “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” to work with? No, fuck you, your a loser and a leech to society, nobody will ever talk to you again lol. it’s been driving me fucking insane - it’s hopeless, this has been my whole life from birth, I’m stuck in a cage and can’t do anything about it while people just stand there and mock me - if they even acknowledge I’m even there to begin with.
“Oh just talk to a therapist bro” I have, they don’t care, they either just nod their heads and tell me to take a walk, or start gaslighting and verbally abusing me, literally never anything else, I’ve been to dozens of hospitals and dozens of therapists throughout my life, and I don’t have infinite money to toss around.
“Just self help bro” I have, I’m still depressed and broken.
“Just go outside and make friends bro” outside where? Fucking where?? There’s nowhere to socialise anymore, and nobody wants to talk to anybody anymore either, it’s all social media shit now.
“Just find a job bro” the economies shit everywhere right now, I don’t have any skills, skills need money and time, and I don’t have any money, any mental will, or any support of any shape or form to pursue anything that I can actually live off of and that I even vaguely enjoy doing.
“Just call a crisis hotlines bro” there’s none in my country, my entire fucking country doesn’t give a flying fuck, conform or die, that’s all it has to say to me.
“Just reach out to loved ones bro” none, I have none, literally 0, not online, not irl, never in my life, and all my family members are abusive manipulative bastards, they’d rather call the police on me for breaking down from all the stress they put on me then leave me the fuck alone.
“It gets better bro” it hasn’t for me, and apparently it never fucking will, things are only getting worse and worse and worse with no hope of anything else.
“Just be normal bro” how? Explain?? Please fucking explain - nope, their already gone, my fault for not being a psychic and instantaneously knowing exactly what you mean and how.
“Reach out and get help bro” where?? Who?? Explain?? Nope, their already gone, nobody fucking cares, it’s all bullshit.
“Your not alone” I LITERALLY FUCKING AM IN EVERY POSSIBLE DEFINITION AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN YOU ASSHOLES YOU ABSOLUTE TONE DEAF PIECES OF SHIT YOU DON’T CARE AND WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND STOP FUCKING PRETENDING EVERYTIME I REACH OUT I’M EITHER IGNORED HURT OR TOLD TO SHUT UP FUCK YOU I’M SICK AND TIRED OF HEARING IT if I’m screwed and beyond saving then fucking say it instead of leaving me to forever be lost and confused you cowards, you assholes.
Then of course I’m seen as ungrateful and beratted for saying any of this, I can’t do anything but just smile and pretend all of this is gospel, I have to gaslight myself into being “normal” somehow and with no clue of what that even means, I must never even DARE to question any of this or else nobody will ever talk to me or will outright verbally assault me for being worthless trash, how DARE I ask for help beyond a “it’ll get better bro”, it is utter hell. Nobody actually cares, I just need to shut up and keep my problems to myself I guess, everybody just wants to feel good about themselves and complain about shoe sizes or whatever at most.
What the actual fuck is wrong with me? I don’t even feel human anymore, I feel like I’m a cosmic error that shouldn’t have popped into existence, everybody knows exactly what their doing but me, everybody understands everything but me, I don’t belong anywhere, nobody cares for me and never will, I don’t fit anything, I can’t do anything, I’m stuck, I’m completely and utterly stuck and there’s nothing I can do and not a single clue of where to even start, I’m so fucking overwhelmed it’s too fucking much, I just wanna die, this is hell, I can never fucking survive this, I’ll forever be alone and suffer, I hate everything, I hate everyone, I’m so sick and tired of it all, I don’t want to be here I NEVER wanted to be here I never asked to be born I don’t want ANYTHING to do with society anymore just let me die already, just fucking let me die. But no, I’m selfish and ungrateful for wanting that so suffer forever and ever I must, and all the blame be put on me, never anything or anyone else. Nope. I’m the problem. I’m always the problem. I deserve this. I don’t deserve a future or autonomy over my body or life. I don’t deserve to be heard. I’m at most just labour or a slave to someone or something else. So smile I must.
I feel ya.
You’re not alone, friend. And you’re not an alien, either, that I promise you.
You’re probably just empathetic and attentive, which makes you an easy target for those who use others to reinforce their own ego, which is… a lot of people nowadays. It’s what we’re taught, everyone is just a resource to be used and thrown away when depleted, or beaten into shape when it doesn’t fit. Otherwise, No. 1’s the only one, fuck the rest.
I’m sorry you’ve been brought to your breaking point, sincerely. But I strongly encourage you to really dig into the source with the hopes that you’ll see you’re not to blame for how others treat you (unless there are any major disruptive or maladaptive behaviours in play, of course, but I have no idea about your history, nor are any immediately evident in your post).
It’s just how things are now. We’re all, as a society and as a species, at the breaking point. The world’s a hot mess, hate has gained critical mass, huge bigots are grabbing power, and sharks thrive. And you’re not a shark. None of us is, but we’re taught and pushed to believe otherwise.
Hang in there and keep trying to seek therapy, but don’t count on finding it. I’m sorry for the bluntness, but it’s the truth. In the meantime, keep reaching out here. Honestly. Even though we’re just text on a screen, we’re all people behind that (well, most of us), and we can relate.
Again, you really are not alone. We may not be neighbors, but we’re with you.
No matter what anyone says, you’re worth more than your productivity. And “deserves” is a “spook,” as Stirner would say. Everyone deserves nothing and everything, it’s always a matter of perspective. Almost everything is, meaning either almost everything is irrelevant opinion, or opinions are relevant and we can/must decide which to have.
Honestly just taking the step to vent, even on the internet can be a lot and is something worthwhile.
Your survival instincts are kicking in, even though you’re dealing with a situation stacked against you. That takes guts.
I’ve been in a situation not unlike yours, and yes you’re facing a lot of unfairness and yes a lot of advice is going to fall flat. I got out by sheer luck. I can only hope you get some opportunity to jump out of the hell you’re going through because it takes a massive toll.
That said, while quiet spite might not change your relationship with the bad people in your life (nothing probably will, while you’re stuck with them at least), it’ll keep you alive. Keep venting, keep finding the tiny escapes and maybe one day one will be big enough to get away from where you are and a bit closer to sanity.
You’re not crazy. It’s not you. I may just be an Internet stranger but you’re seen. Take the time you need to grieve and be angry and cry, and keep fighting for you.
I’m sorry to hear you’re at where you’re at right now. I sincerely hope venting and getting some feedback makes your tomorrow a little bit better.
I grew up with some of the same feelings you have. It took a lot of time and distance to stop inflicting the same mental abuse on myself that others had (and some days it’s still a work in progress). I hope you get there too, someday.
Same
The hardest part about therapy is that when you reach out, you’re typically at a very low point where you’re feeling you can’t take it anymore, etc.
And the you gottaike email, or call, and wait, and schedule shit, and go in, and do intake, and the wait for your second appt to actually talk about shit, and you dump your soul out for a stranger, and like 20% of the time it’s a good fit. And if it isn’t, you gotta go through it all over again.
Most people just give up on it.
Usually when Im at really low lows, I kinda feel like there’s too much pain contributing to how I’m handling my current situation to fully explain and make it all make sense. And that feeling is isolating, and compounding.
But, you really can find a therapist that’s a good fit. It can be really challenging and draining. But if you spend a solid year looking for the right fit, it’ll pay dividends.
Idk, it’s not for everyone, and even all of that is just the “fist step”. Only other advice I can offer is, unfortunately, cardio. Go for a hike or a jog, every day. I hate doing it, and I hate even more admitting it’s beneficial effects on my shittiest of moods. Especially because it’s the last fucking thing I wanna do when I feel shitty.
Good luck holmes.
