Hi my fellow Lemmy users! It’s been a while since I used this platform and boy did I actually miss you all ❤️
It’s just that I’ve been more so focusing on myself in my career and in my own education. So I graduated back in June and man it sure does feel like a lifetime ago already. Settled in a good paying job and still trying to improve myself wherever I can.
This brings us to the question that I wanted to ask everyone here. As I’ve been very focused on academics and career stuff I never had the opportunity to date and I’ve been rejected very frequently (which is to be expected as a man tbh). I haven’t been able to lose weight and that I’m 25 years old.
I know that’s still pretty young but I still feel so behind on dating tbh. Is it still too late for me to find someone I want to be with after I’ve lost weight? Does losing weight help for men as it does for women? I’ve been trying to join meetups, volunteering (just to meet new people tbh) and really put myself out there. It’s just idk like all my friends are committed and I’m just floating around life whilst focusing on my career.
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2old4leo
Maybe I’m just in a good mood, but I saw that and about died. Thanks for the chortle and subsequent coughing fit.
I’m not even saying this to be nice. You are 25. You’re a baby. You may feel like you are old. But you are not. Not even close.
Ever hear the saying “youth is wasted on the young”? This is why people say it. Hindsight is gonna slap you in the face when you are actually old. You’re fine. It’s not too late.
Man I’m over here reading this post in my 30s like dude what? For real.
44 checking in.
- I want to punch that guy for throwing everything away because he thinks he’s older than us.
Late 30s, kinda want to dick punch him for implying I’m ancient 😂
Yeah, while I don’t think it’s ever too late to find love 25 certainly is, I was a bit younger but over twenty when I had my first relationship.
Also try to not focus too much on your weight. I know society™/capitalism wants you to think you’re unlovable if you’re fat but that is obviously bs. If you want to loose weight do it but to it for yourself first (maybe try to get fit and not loose weight per se?). Love is not only about looks.
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Thanks for responding to my post! It’s just that, I come from an immigrant background and I never really had the chance to date tbh. It’s just my thinking is that the longer it’ll take to find someone the more likely I’ll be seen as a walking red flag. Sure I’ll hopefully be in a good position career wise, great social life but never having had dated anyone isn’t a good look. It’s just in my experience a lot of people brushed me off cause of that so it just makes me feel trapped I guess. That’s why I felt that it’ll be too late.
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“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
You’re still really young.
First, getting an education and getting a career going is a great start. It shows a level of maturity and that your life is moving in a positive direction. That’s a big plus.
Second, you mention that you’re from an immigrant culture. That might be skewing how you perceive the age vs relationship factor. In the US, it varies widely by socioeconomic class and geography, but just starting to get out there at 25 isn’t that unusual and shouldn’t raise a lot of red flags. I wouldn’t lead with it as an intro statement, but if it comes up naturally after a few dates with the same person, they’ll have the context to understand rather than rush to judgment.
Getting in shape generally only helps - it’s also a signal indicating that you have your life on the right track and do self care - but charisma isn’t all about weight or even appearance. You should be able to talk great, listen great, or both.
I agree, it is definitely skewing how I perceive the age vs relationship when I see a lot of people who’ve been in relationships multiple times before they hit 25 when I moved to the US when I was like 19. Other things that could be skewing how I perceive is how I think I look which is another reason why I am trying to lose weight as well. Thank you for your reply tho, I really appreciate it.
You need to remember your target demographic will be in the same situation and likely empathetic.
The only red flags in a real relationship are how you treat the other person and yourself. Don’t put dating on a pedestal. It’s just 2 people hanging out and getting to know one another.
It’s not the same for everybody. Some people find lots of success with apps. Others meet people at social events. Some meet at work. Just be yourself around people and pay attention to who you jive with on a personal level.
Weight shouldn’t be a problem. The reality is that everybody has things they are attracted to and for some people weight can be a factor. Only loose weight for your own happiness, though. Don’t do it to attract a partner because that’s not a good way to maintain a lifestyle change and your own happiness is paramount with changes like that.
I am 25
Lmao. That’s literally the age humans stop maturing.
You’re in your theoretical prime.
Now’s the time to make it happen if anything. You can be and do whatever you make of yourself.
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Even 30s is pretty good age to be.
I haven’t been able to lose weight
You need to be honest with yourself here, everyone is able to lose weight (except a very small minority of people with severe mental and or health issues) and what you really mean to say is “I have not committed to losing weight”.
There is a huge difference between wanting a fit and healthy body and actually committing long term to the idea of consistently smaller portions.
And that is all it takes. You do not need to swap every meal for a shitty salad, you do not need need to run ten miles a day, you do not need to make weight loss your number one priority, you do not need the mental strength of the world’s strongest man, you do not need more time in the day or any other of the 101 excuses that overweight people use.
- weigh yourself
- consistently eat less
- weigh yourself again after a few weeks/months
- adjust the amount you eat further if necessary
- repeat steps three and four
If you consume less calories than you burn, then you can lose weight on a diet of pizza and sitting on the couch all day.
I know what I’ve said here will come across as harsh, but it’s all absolutely true and I hope that you lose your unwanted weight, it really will help your dating prospects and it will make you feel better about yourself too!
Amen to this. OP if you focused on career and income by this point maybe you have some spare money to use on a personal fitness coach. They will help guide and motivate you which long term should help with all manner of issues you might be dealing with, from mental to health. Good luck. You can do it!
I second this. Getting a source of external motivation like a coach is great for achieving a goal like this. Especially as they would no doubt have techniques to make the journey easier.
While what you said is technically true, it’s not good advice. The standard advice of 'eat less, exercise more, and it’s your own fault if you don’t get results" sets up most people for failure. In fact, that’s exactly why it’s bad advice - OP has most certainly seen it and attempted it, and it’s not working for them.
Everyone is different, and responds differently. OP needs to examine what they’ve tried and why it’s not working for them. For many people, myself included, sugar acts as a drug. The only answer is to eliminate it from your diet, AKA low-carb (keto, Atkins) diets. Other people are stress eaters who need to develop coping mechanisms. Still others are bored eaters, or people who succumb easily to temptation.
Telling any of these people to just eat less is the one thing guaranteed to fail.
I disagree. More people need the education around weight loss. Too many people think you can outwork a bad diet in the gym and it is simply and entirely untrue.
You lose weight in the kitchen and you tone your body/build muscle in the gym.
It is worth repeating because many people honestly do not understand it.
Eat less food to lose weight. Go to the gym to get stronger.
I agree with that statement, I’ve been going to my family’s place every weekend just for that to learn to cook with my mom lol at this age
Or just eat more good healthy food. I know UPS drivers that eat a bit of breakfast, don’t eat lunch, and then do a decent dinner. And of course they get a good workout every day. But they’re still overweight because a lot of the food they do eat is, well, fast food and junk food.
Occam’s razor.
You can complicate the concepts of weight gain and loss all you like, it always boils down to calories in Vs calories out.
You’ll show me 99 people that have several excuses about why they in particular can’t lose weight and I’ll only be able to show you one that holds their hands up and says “I admit it, I’m weak and I’d rather have cake now than a nice body a few months later”.
Losing weight is like stopping smoking, it’s all conjecture and day dreams until one day you say “fuck this, I’m changing and sticking with it STARTING NOW”.
Some people need tough love, not more readymade excuses.
It sounds like you’ve never struggled with weight loss, and for that I congratulate you. I couldn’t manage until I learned to avoid carbs.
Yes, the end result is still fewer calories. But this approach made it a whole lot easier for me, since it reduced my hunger.
No you’re fine, I appreciate what you’re trying to tell me and I definitely will try to follow what you’ve said. I’m curious though as how would you try to watch your diet? I have a really really bad food control cause food has been my stress reliever and how can one be consistent in having smaller portions? Like for me, I tried to really eat a smaller portion but its just that I end eating bigger portions because idk I feel depressed and I’d just be thinking of the food more than the goals I’d like to achieve if that makes sense
There’s not a one size fits all solution.
The first thing to do is cut down on snacks and sugary drinks if you have them. Refined sugars should be the easiest thing to cut out and will make a huge impact.
If you’re already doing that then it’s time to start controlling your portions. It will take some will power! I have noticed personally that I may still feel like I could eat more at the end of a meal but that if I wait ten of fifteen minutes then I feel absolutely fine. So focus on eating untill you’re not hungry rather than eating until you feel full.
Some people endorse a 5/2 diet, where they will eat normally on five days of the week and then have a very restricted diet on two days (about 300-500 calories). This will recalibrate your feeling of hunger massively, most people in the western world have never experienced real hunger. You may find that what you thought was hunger was very different to actual hunger.
I also recommend replacing your excess eating with something else. All bad habits usually need something to replace them. Whether that is drinking water or learning a new skill or reading a book or doing some exercise. Don’t just sit there and suffer, fill that time with something.
It’s not too late. I met someone when I was 42, now we live together and our son is 8 month old:
(The boy, not the cat)
When it comes to losing weight and dating, at least for me it helped, I guess you get more confident when you lose weight and that attracts women.
Thank you for the clarification.
…Is the cat a boy?
Yes, the cat is actually a boy too, his name is Leo.
Your son is so cute and your cat as well! This is something I’ve always wanted, a family of my own even with how difficult it can be raise a child and everything. Idk there is something fulfilling for me when it comes to family but I really appreciate you sharing that and your advice as well
You don’t need to be thin to date. I’ve been a fat man my whole life, introverted and introspective, spent most of my life alone.
My first relationship wasn’t until about your age. I married her because I thought I’d always be alone otherwise. It was a mistake and I was wrong.
Took a long time to figure myself out, only had two other real relationships and a few nonstarters, then met my wife when I was almost 40.
I’m still fat. So what?
The one advice I can give you is, women are closer to men than you may think. Whatever you find interesting, there’s someone out there who would think so too. Whatever disgusts you, probably disgusts women too. IMO, dating advice that includes phrases such as “as a man” are misleading, because they imply that women are fundamentally different and must be treated differently.
Treat them as you would a friend, rather than something to be won, and you’ll find that people will be more receptive. 25 years old is still plenty young
Yeah, I see what you’re saying. Its just that the reason why I’ve said as a man is because both men and women live their lives so differently like in terms of dating (I am generalizing here and I could be wrong), women tend to get approached often by men so they sometimes don’t have to do much except for filtering out the men who just want sex versus the one who they want long-term wise. For men, they tend to have to make the first approach often in order for them to get noticed.
I’m saying this generally and yeah its just this is also just me I do think of women as friends first cause I want to also so see how whether or not our values align together or not. Women are people too I realize that, its just hard when a lot of other men are doing the same thing and its hard not to feel behind in this rat race lol even tho it isn’t but sometimes it feels like it when there is someone you’re interested in and they like someone else or that they’re not looking to date or anything. Sorry for the rambling its just I’m frustrated with it and if I feel like I stop looking for someone, no one is going to come to me if that makes sense and I’m just you know alone with my thoughts.
After outliving two husbands, my great aunt Anna got married again at 97. Why would you think things are over at 25?
If the question is “am I too old to X?” where X is not some kind of major official sporting achievement or something limited only to children, the answer is no.
Honestly it sounds like you’re in a pretty good place to me. Educated, good job, actively social, these are all attractive things! But the fact that you asked this question in the first place suggests confidence is still lacking a bit (which makes sense, you are as other commenters have said still very young). One thing that does help with confidence is losing weight and feeling like you look good, so in that respect it probably would help. But it’s not like heavier people are all single, if you click with someone you click. And by putting yourself out there you’re already giving yourself the best chance of that happening.
Thanks for saying that, I appreciate you highlighting the positives of me. You’re right when it comes to confidence, its just that I do hard things that people don’t do because its just I wanted to prove that I am worthy for love and relationships. I do try to work on my confidence my trying to validate myself internally (that’s why I have like positive affirmations notes with me all times and Marcus Aurelius famous quote of you having power over your mind).
Its still a work in progress but its just I crave for love so much and honestly this is something I just can’t help but blame my own weight because women tend to like slimmer men even if there are women who like chubbier or even don’t care about your weight. But the reality has been in my experience been that they do prefer men who are athletic or at least who look good but when you’re not that its been a vicious cycle for me where to cope for rejection I’d just turn to eating more as a coping mechanism or a stress reliever. I do hope that women are more open minded and I do hope I am wrong about that. Again, thanks for your comment I appreciate you saying that.
Relax, you’re only 25. You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat. Multiple times if you want to! People of all ages and in all walks of life are dating and getting together, so no, you’re never too old.
Also as far as weight goes, in my opinion you should lose it because you want to lose it, not simply because you think it’ll make you more attractive to others. You’re more likely to keep it off that way, and when it comes to building meaningful relationships I think being fit is much less important than being yourself and being comfortable in your own skin.
You have plenty of time to fall madly in love, get married, fall madly out of love, get divorced, and repeat.
As a 43yo, fuck did that hit hard. Well, except for the “repeat” part. I have a lot of issues to work through before I get to that, if ever.
No. 25 is very young.
Dating can be difficult and lots of people screw it up. That’s okay. Being bad at something is the first step towards being okay at something.
Remember to ask questions when you go on dates. It’s a common mistake for people to just talk about themselves. Try to ask the other person open ended questions, and engage with whatever they’re talking about. So if they say like “I went to Storm King this weekend” you can say like “Oh storm king is lovely! My favorite is the sculpture of the moving pipes that spin but never touch. What’s your favorite part?” Don’t go off on a monologue. Don’t just change the topic to something you want to talk about. It’s like a game of catch. Throw the ball back.
Also weight isn’t the most important thing. Unless you’re like so overweight it’s a medical problem, there are people out there who will be into you. If you want to lose weight (or get fit, an arguably better goal) then you should do it for yourself.
Also rejection is to be expected. Don’t let it get to you.
If you use an app like tinder, you’re going to get way more misses than hits. That’s fine. Focus on the hits and let the misses fade from memory.
Dude, you are being way, way too hard on yourself. Here is why:
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Your personality doesn’t fully develop until you’re about 26 or 27. This is because of development in your prefrontal cortex
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The fitness thing can change relatively easily and yes, it will help you. Not only will it help you dating, but it’ll help your lifestyle in general and you’re overall health.
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There are tons of people that are in the same boat as you within your cohort. I realize that of me feel like you’re dating opportunities are over now that you’ve graduated, but this is just a change in your lifestyle.
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You are already workinfg on improving yourself which is going to improve your odds on finding someone that you connect with. Your volunteering, you’re doing other things. You are chasing own hobbies and living your life. This also helps
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Anecdotally, I was in a very similar position at your age. Spend a pile of time working (300 hr months from June to December; 220ish the rest of the year). I still managed to find the right person and now I’m snuggling our youngest while typing this.
The journey of self improvement is thankless. It sucks. You feel like you’re getting nowhere and everyone is miles out ahead of you. They aren’t, and if they seem like it, it’s because they have made tradeoffs. Comparison ruins our self confidence. Try you best to avoid it. Let what you do on self improvement be because that’s what you want to improve upon because that’s how you envision the best version of yourself.
Self-improvement is also extremely slow. Same with the dating thing. I realize how painfully lonely it can be to be single, but developing a good group of friends will help. Further, you shouldn’t view a potential partner as something necessary to make you happy or complete. You need to be those things before you even think about getting into a relationship; otherwise you’re setting yourself up for disaster and placing unreasonable expectations on said partner.
I could go on, but there’s enough there to encourage you
Yeah I am being way too hard on myself as my other comment replies show me that. I’m happy to hear that you’ve made it (gives me some hope lol) and I agree that the journey of self-improvement is thankless. I do have a good of friends that I can rely on its just making this post here can help me hear this or even read this when I’m feeling down. I know that having a partner isn’t something necessary to make me happy. I guess for me its just I am very prone to making comparisons to everyone else and how I am an immigrant to the US has skewed my perception even more so it just you know hits harder I guess when I am unconsciously making comparisons.
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I’m not really sure where you’re going with this. What’s the alternative, just working yourself to death? You can date whenever you decide to date.
Everyone’s life is different. Some people are married, have kids, and divorce before they can even have a legal drink. Others kind of slowly see a friendship morph into a long term relationship without them even noticing. Still others are happy to be free and unattached. Your story is your own, on your own timeline.
If you have a more specific concern (which I think you do), such as how to meet people after 25, try posting that as its own question to the right audience. Just be careful to avoid the toxic areas, like incels.
Okay, well here’s the alternative. This is something I don’t expect anyone to understand but its okay. My parents and my family in general are very very conservative (basically I grew up Muslim) and I am not a practicing Muslim anymore because my values don’t align with each other. So its just me now even though I do talk to my family and everything where we keep everything cordial. Its just that they’re forcing me to marry someone of my ethnicity with someone who THEY like not me. I know the obvious for some is to stand your ground to which I do and every time they talk about my marriage I do stand my ground. It sounds as a man like yay I don’t have make so much effort just to get married or anything but for me I care about my values more. I am very left-wing and liberal also pretty much westernized as I felt at home more in the US that I ever did in my life tbh.
This is why I am just so stressed about marriage and dating too. Cause if I did find someone, at least my family could back off and they’ll realize that I have my own life here and there’s nothing they can do so they’ll accept it. But right now they know that I am trying to date an American woman who I get along much more its just me idk and they’re trying to stop that by getting me married to someone they so I can conform to their liking and to the culture I grew up hating so much because I felt like an outsider tbh.
There’s quite a lot to unpack there. I don’t think anyone likes the idea of a forced marriage, especially with someone you do not like. Your relationship with your parents is its own discussion, and sounds complicated. A simple answer would be a “beard”, but that creates its own web of lies.
You’ve probably heard that love comes when you least expect it, which also doesn’t easily fit into your plans. Desperately seeking a partner is probably the least effective way to find one. You need to be able to have a relaxed approach, and let the chips fall where they may.
As difficult as it is, I recommend trying to forget about meeting a potential wife, and instead try to meet people in general. Attend whatever group events are happening for whatever you’re interested in. Make (platonic) friends with people there. If the existing events don’t lead to friendships, branch into new ones. Ever wanted to cook? Take a cooking class. Does bowling sound like fun? Join a league.
Eventually, one of these will lead to someone that’s interested. It may not be someone in the group, either. It could be a friend of a friend, or someone that you meet randomly. They see you having fun, and conversation can start from there.
Also, learn how to carry a conversation. This is critical to opening the doors to a date, or date #2. There are a variety of books, videos, seminars, etc that can help
You’re good dude, I only started dating this year and I’m well into my 30s. It’s never too late
Where did you meet people? I try only online because I don’t have the idea or friends to meet in other places.
I’ve met people only online so far as well. Dating apps can lead to actual dates sometimes lol. There are also always local meet up groups whether for particular interests or just for general singles. For example, I went to a local LGBT meetup group recently and it seems like the kind of thing where relationships can develop organically from the friends I hope to make there. Taking a perspective of friends first can help with dating prospects too imo
It’s probably not feasible or realistic for most people, but I met people through working for a temp agency in my early twenties. Sometimes I would work with up to three different teams of people in one week. The pay was shite, but it actually really helped me curb a lot of my social anxiety. I met some awesome people that way.
Thanks man, I appreciate you saying that.
