When i first read that passage, i seriously wondered if somebody had reformatted a Halimede tweet. I don’t want to dunk on Serrano too much here, i’ve taken a lot of good input out of her works, but this is one of her takes that has aged poorly. Like, seriously, i am so fed up with that view of being trans. The one that always, always without fail, centers suffering and pain and misery, that can only frame our joy and our thriving in contrast to the damage that has been inflicted on us, the one that can never let the past rest.
I am not like this. And it’s beginning to become a problem.
You see, i like being in community with other trans people. I’m at home there, i’ve made friends there, found lovers there. It’s where i belong. As long as i stay within my own bubble. As soon as i step out of it, i immediately get bombarded with unsolicited trauma dumps, dysphoriaposts out of a 4chan hellhole and a trainload full of internalized transphobia. Everything is a trigger for me. I cannot safely navigate most trans spaces anymore because the people there just drag me down. I logged in yesterday after a long hiatus and looked into the trans megathread and the first thing i had to do was block a user for her unspoilered loathing of the trans existence. I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I used to be the kind of woman who writes big effortposts about self acceptance and how to figure yourself out and how to begin navigating systems of medical gatekeeping, but the further i go along in my own transition, the further i am removed from making these early experiences myself, the less i have it in me to unpack all that needs to be unpacked when baby trans yell their pain into the void.
And that’s eating at me. It makes me feel guilt, it makes me feel like a failure to my community. My second puberty feels as if i get to sit at the table with the pretty, cool and popular girls, giving fashion advice to the prom queen while i’m leaving the most vulnerable trans people out in the rain, the ones that would need my experience and my encouragement the most. But when i try to be there for them, i harm myself. I can’t say it otherwise, it is burning me out to expose myself to that kind of pain. It feels as if i’m walking backwards into a darkness i have escaped from. How do i deal with this? Do i retreat to my wonderland of privileged, happy women and girlthings or is there a way to move beyond the triggers and face the misery of others without becoming miserable myself? Because that’s what i would need if i wanted to keep helping my siblings.
yeah that’s part of why i struggle with this instead of just moving on and retreating deeper into my personal bubble. I know my alienation is partially coming from a place of privilege, that i am nowadays passing more often than not, that this will improve further, that i do not care about passing in the first place, not only because i have the fortitude to accept myself, but also because i’m a white woman in an urban area in one of the less openly transphobic parts of Europe, that i carry less untreated trauma and have better coping skills than other trans people, that i have a strong support network both within and without the community, that there’s people showing me i’m desirable and fun to be around. I get that others do not have it as easy as me.
But then, some of these things apply to literally every other trans person i know personally. A lot of them apply to those who complain the loudest.
CW body issues, dysphoria, eating disorders
Like, i know trans women who literally look like a 13 year old girl and all they post about all day long is how ugly and monstrous they are and how they will never ever pass just once and no amount of affirmation gets through to them. And it gets to the point where women who have just won small victories in battling their height dysphoria and shoulder dysphoria and eating disorder see that kind of thing and it just destroys them.
People have a right to let out their pain, but when you’re in a vulnerable community, there’s limits to that and a lot of people just do not give the tiniest fuck about these limits. I see stuff like that a lot, and when we’re being honest, a lot of it is just internalized transphobia. I really do not want to enforce a kind of toxic positivity, but i don’t think it’s too much to ask that people take some consideration and stop being harmful and toxic to those around them. And that’s too much for a lot of people where i clearly see the ressources for that.
Oh! Absolutely!
I living in Oklahoma right now, so harassment is a daily occurrence. If I’m going to be quite honest, I agree completely. I am deeply careful about how I talk about my problems because I know that I pass so effectively and have privileged family connections that allowed me to transition earlier. Generally these concerns are saved for specific individuals who are unaffected by them, so it’s frustrating to see women post these things publicly in the same way I’d present them privately. An appropriate title might be “Feeling really dysphoric about my jawline today and need some reassurance” instead of “please tell me my chin isn’t manly 🥺”. Receiving the comments could similarly be better, with “thank you!” Instead of "idk tho… ". Though this is something I wouldn’t bring to anyone but a close friend, because I know oftentimes those insecurities are just temporary and require immense grace/caution when approached.