“When the hotdog entered the body you became half man, and half hotdog, but fully neither” - Apollinaris

Imagine a world where St. Thomas Aquinas wasn’t a renowned theologian, but rather an avant-garde food critic. The fallout from Aquinas’s writings reshapes the culinary world. Chefs and food enthusiasts study his texts, much like theologians would, seeking deeper meaning in the act of cooking and eating. His influence persists for centuries, and he’s often quoted in modern cookbooks and culinary schools, remembered as the philosopher-chef who elevated food from mere sustenance to a divine experience.

1. “Summa Gastronomica” In this multi-volume work, Aquinas delves deep into the metaphysics of taste, creating a taxonomy of flavors and culinary experiences. He opines that all foods ultimately seek a “greater flavor,” drawing parallels to the argument of the “First Cause” in theology.

2. “The Five Proofs of Deliciousness” Aquinas postulates five undeniable proofs that a dish can be considered truly delicious, arguing from motion (the urge to eat more), causation (the culinary lineage of a dish), contingency (seasonal ingredients), degrees of perfection (the platonic ideal of a dish), and teleology (the ultimate purpose of eating).

3. “On Dietary Law” A commentary on the moral implications of eating, where Aquinas grapples with questions like: Is it a sin to overeat? Does the soul benefit from fasting? He ultimately concludes that moderation is key and that food, like all earthly pleasures, should direct one towards a higher appreciation of life’s bounties.

4. Controversial Hotdog Thesis As we’ve seen in the image, Aquinas makes a philosophical exploration of the nature of hotdogs. This becomes a pivotal piece that sparks debates in culinary circles for centuries. Some scholars argue he was being metaphorical, while others believe he was making a profound statement on the interconnectedness of life and food.

5. “Treatise on Culinary Habits of Angels” A whimsical piece, Aquinas speculates on whether celestial beings partake in gastronomic pleasures. While admitting the lack of scriptural evidence, he humorously posits that angels might enjoy ethereal versions of earthly delights.

Brings a whole new meaning to you are what you eat.

Horrifying. I hate it. Awesome.

Everything I eat becomes a sausage until it’s not again.

But doesn’t this apply to any kind of sausage we eat?

Idk what you think stomachs do to meat but it doesn’t puree it. A hotdog does indeed undergo a transformation when we ingest it.

ngl I saw the thumbnail and expected George Carlin.

It’s hotdog-shaped when it comes out the other end too.

wise words

Finally, a wise quote from St. Thomas Aquinas

So you’ve just eaten out your partner, does that mean?

He’s right! AAAAAAAHHHHHH!