When you see them, time slows down. Your palms get sweaty and it becomes difficult to form coherent thoughts. Your heart races with the swells of love and-

Oh wait that’s meth

Hey OP, have you ever heard of the Split Attraction Model (SAM)? I found myself with similar questions a few years ago, and since I have realised that there is other people who have had the same experience and that we actually have a name for the experience.

You stated that you feel aesthetic attraction, but have a difficult time figuring out wether you are “attracted” to people.

My suggestion is to look up Aromantic and Asexual identities. But that’s totally up to you to decide if you want to. Aven and The Trevor Project are good places to start.

There are Aromantic and Asexual communities here on Lemmy, as well as Reddit. The latter being more populated and all being fairly welcoming (there are a few idiots who gatekeep), at least when I left Reddit.

Hope this helps.

For me, it’s a primal thing, it’s not something that’s you think about. Like you see someone and it’s not like you stop and think through things and decide that you want to do this or that with them. It’s just this deep instinctual thing, you just want them. It’s almost like hunger, it’s not something you have control over, more it’s controlling you in part

Physically… nothing. Not in the strict sense. I caution myself when mentioning I am asexual, people have so many misinterpretations around it, but typically it means we look at someone and don’t feel attraction to “them”. People talk about things like “look at his abs”, “I fantasize about him after hours”, etc. and that’s not what comes to my mind. A good way of explaining it is, list every characteristic that can make you attracted to someone and then subtract all the things that will ever help you in the bedroom. That is asexuality.

However, that doesn’t mean absolutely no physical feelings are possible/exist (the “a” in “asexual” exists in the same way as the “homo” in “homosexual”, not the “para” in “parasexual”) or that someone cannot develop profound mental/emotional feelings around someone. Many asexuals have turn-ons, often something that to an observer would seem completely mundane and which is a mentally ingrained theme mutually exclusive from any person it can be applied to. I feel like the whole atmosphere feels different under some situations as I look to someone. It feels like a total rush, though because of the asexuality, my mind doesn’t connect the hypothetical situation to the other person being in a relationship with me.

As for mentally and emotionally, the few people who I might be able to count on are the only things that have any gravitational effect on me. I am drawn to them as they embody my thought processes and give my drift an anchor.

For me, ‘attraction’ is simply being physically attracted to them; a fluttering in the chest, so to speak, enjoying the eye candy…

When it changes to ‘love’ though, I found my thoughts to be more on wanting to take care of them, seeing them smile, being happy when they are happy. It goes beyond the superficial and the physical. I suppose the best way I can describe it is it makes my soul sing.

I think the Ancient Greeks, with their words for different kinds of love, were more on point with these sorts of things.

Chemistry is something different again. Lust and Love are all well and good, but you need more than that to make a relationship work. You need mental maturity on the part of both parties, the willingness to move beyond and work through problems, and something of a similar life trajectory in order to make love last.

For me it’s two things: The Tingle and The Fizz.

The Tingle is an intellectual and emotional. If I see an attractive person do something nice, or they’re extremely competent about something, especially if it’s something I don’t know a lot about, there’s a flutter in my heart and a tingly electrical feeling in my brain. If they keep doing these things and don’t do unattractive things, maybe I’ll work up the nerve to ask them out.

The Fizz is more primal. James May explains it well.

I think chemistry and attraction are different. I’d say how attraction feels depends on how strong you feel it, but at its basic initial level you think they look good and would like to spend time alone with them to get to know them.

Chemistry I think is much deeper and has more layers. If you had chemistry in every way It implies that on a personality level you two see eye to eye on most major opinions, such as politically, hobbies, types of film genres or video games, you both like/dislike casual drinking or smoking weed, you both prefer dogs to cats, etc.

Basically chemistry, to me, is how smooth it is transitioning from living by yourself to with that person, how much of your everyday life decisions and your personality traits/humor naturally sync up.

I think it’s a spectrum, ranging from being completely asexual to the other end of the range. Also, i would guess that the mind plays a big role in it too. For instance, people who have a very romantic nature - way of looking at relationships - will probably have other thoughts, feelings and expectations than people who are, say, more down to earth. It’s probably a mixture of bodily sensations, personality (both yours and the other’s) and mental thoughts about it.

Also, whether someone is open to attraction or not.

I would say to not let anyone or any book tell you what and how you are supposed to feel. Trying to put labels on oneself or others is not helpful at all.

OP, do you date? I’m similar to you in that I can’t really feel attraction that way. I tried dating once forever ago and it just felt like I was lying to the other person because I couldn’t feel the same way. So I never tried since. But sometimes things get lonely.

So I’ve wondered if it would be beneficial or not for someone like us to date.

A beautiful man is like a gorgeous painting to me. I don’t want to fuck that painting though, it’s just nice to look at. A beautiful woman on the other hand is like a massive meal after a fast. I’m filled with a consumptive desire influenced by the state of my body and my emotional experience. But ultimately it’s either my body taking the reins and telling me what I want, or me not being in the mood but knowing that’s what my body will want.

And it’s a multi sensory experience. Vision is nice, but omg scent, and touch, and the sound of her voice…

Chemistry is different. It’s the way you flow together. It acts as a multiplier. With good chemistry someone can go from somewhat attractive to very and bad chemistry can kill attraction. But it can’t make attraction from nothing.

I don’t know. I haven’t been attracted to anyone in a long time :(

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Most of the time, it feels to me just like a logical conclusion. Like “hmm, yes, this person has traits I generally find attractive. I am thus attracted to them.”
There’s of course a physical attribute to it too, where I feel strongly drawn to the person, but it feels more like the result of the previous logical conclusion rather than the source of the attraction itself.

The one and only exception to this that I’ve experienced thus far was my attraction to my wife. It was an instant click. My first thought after meeting her was that I needed to get closer with her. It’s worth noting I didn’t actually know what she looked like yet (we met online) and barely knew anything about her personality besides she was funny and apparently had similar hobbies to me (though I didn’t know which hobbies, I’d just been told that.)
I didn’t connect it as attraction at first though, because I’d never experienced attraction like that before. I just wanted to be really good friends with her. I was really happy whenever she showed up. I enjoyed every conversation I had with her way more than it felt like I should.
Then slowly those feelings grew, never changing, only getting stronger. At a certain point, when I started to realize every second I was away from her, I was wishing she was there, and every time I was sad or upset about something, she was the one I wanted to go to for comfort, it finally clicked that I was attracted to her, at least in some way.
It wasn’t until we were already dating that it finally fully clicked that I’d been in love with her the whole time.
Physically I’d say my attraction to her felt… I guess like heart burn? That’s the closest physical sensation I can think of. Like that, but not painful. Like a fullness in my chest every time I thought about her.

Also as far as chemistry and attraction goes, definitely different things. There are people I’ve been attracted to that I meshed horrifically with. Just because I like certain traits in theory doesn’t mean I could actually stand those traits in practice.

Well, you are right that romance novels are not a realistic image of attraction.

I am not really attracted to guys based on their looks. Either they look good enough that I can be attracted to them IF they are otherwise attractive to me (in wit and kindness and the way they move, everything else that makes someone hot) or they don’t look good enough and no matter how hot they are in other ways my brain has screened them out.

Humans, male, female or other, can be so beautiful physically and I can see it and want to look at them because they are beautiful. But that is entirely separate from the sexual attraction. There’s nobody who looks good enough I could be attracted just by looks.

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