Phone a friend Dr Leah Brahms

Inverse tachyon pulse from the Deflector Shield, obviously missing.

Roll under the door

Eject the warp core!!

Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish…

What about the deflector dish? That always seems to help.

E. All at the same time.

This is how every FTL encounter feels like

deleted by creator

The U.S.S makes shit up.

https://youtu.be/xwhAq3F8NCE

The U.S.S Make Shit Up Lyrics

Well, I was stranded on a planet, just me and Spock We met a nasty Nazi alien, he locked our asses up We found a hunk of crystal and a metal piece of bed We made a laser phaser gun and shot him in the head!

Well, I was standing on the bridge when Sulu came to me His eyes were full of tears, he said, “Captain, can’t you see? The ship is gonna blow, do something, I beseech!” I grabbed a tribble and some chewing gum and stopped the warp core breach

And I said Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish That’s the way we do things, lad, we’re making shit up as we wish The Klingons and the Romulans they pose no threat to us Cause if we find we’re in a bind we just make some shit up

I know he’s just a child, and most think him a twit But Wesley is the master when it comes to making up some shit He’s the guy you want with you when you go out in space Just tell him: “shut up, Wesley,” if he gets in your face

And if you’re at a party on the starship Enterprise And the karaoke player just plain old up and dies Set up a neutrino field inside a can of peas Hold on to Geordi’s VISOR and sing into Data’s knees

And I said Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish That’s the way we do things, lad, we’re making shit up as we wish The Klingons and the Romulans they pose no threat to us Cause if we find we’re in a bind we just make some shit up

Sisko’s on a mission to go no bloody place He loiters on a space station above Bajoran space The wormhole opened up and now they come from near and far We’ll keep the booze but please send back the fucking Jem’Hadar

And what is with the Klingons? Remember, in the day They looked like Puerto Ricans and they dressed in gold lamé Now they look like heavy metal rockers from the dead With leather pants and frizzy hair and lobsters on their heads

And I said Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish That’s the way we do things, lad, we’re making shit up as we wish The Klingons and the Romulans, they pose no threat to us Cause if we find we’re in a bind we just make some shit up

Well, I was stuck on Voyager, pounding on the door When suddenly it dawned on me I’ve seen this show before Perhaps I’m in a warp bubble slightly out of phase Cause it was way back in the sixties when they called it “Lost in Space”

We were looking for a way to make the ratings soar So we orchestrated an encounter with the Borg Normally you’d think that that would get us into shit But this one has a smashing ass and a lovely set of tits

And I said Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish That’s the way we do things lad, we’re making shit up as we wish The Klingons and the Romulans pose no threat to us Cause if we find we’re in a bind we’ll just make some shit up

Well then they got a new show, And it’s called Enterprise And it takes place a hundred years Before Kirk was alive They say that it’s a prequel Or so that’s what it’s called It’s such a bad idea you’d swear that Lucas was involved

They have a Vulcan female But she’s a nervous wreck Her ass is sweet as Seven’s only green So what the heck They’re in the past but Klingons have those lobsters on their heads I’m more confused than Wesley Crusher nude in Tasha’s bed

And I say Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish That’s the way we do things lad, we’re making shit up as we wish The Klingons and the Romulans they pose no threat to us Cause if we find we’re in a bind we just make some shit up

Bonus verse!

Well it would seem a big wig up at Paramount Must have felt the franchise was stale by all accounts Cause he hired J. J. Abrams to give the thing a shove I feared that he would mock and mangle everything I love

Well I went to the movie and there much to my shock There were hunky models playing Kirk and Spock Vulcan’s been destroyed and the timeline has been crushed So someone tell me why I love this film so fucking much

And I said Bounce a graviton particle beam off the main deflector dish That’s the way we do things lad, we’re making shit up as we wish The Klingons and the Romulans they pose no threat to us Cause if we find we’re in a bind --we’re totally screwed but never mind– We’ll pull something out of our behinds What does God need with a starship? We just make some shit up

How do you make a decision; in general, I mean?

E: Hope whatever blows up the ship causes a time loop so you get lots of chances to try again and again.