Hang out. Chat. Talk about what’s going on. Have fun :3
It’s too quiet in here.
hope y’all are having a good weekend. The other day I realized some really heavy shit about my relationship with my ex-wife but I’m not gonna trauma dump here so instead I will wish you all a wonderful weekend and hope that next week is better than the last.
I am having a great weekend thus far! It’s been a nice, chill one and I’ve had a decent amount of fun. I hope the same for you, aside from the obvious mind you. If not, be sure to take care of yourself, comrade.
And you made me aware that I should probably be more cognizant of what I post here. I need to stop trauma dumping. =w=
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Yeah. I can somewhat understand that. It’s good to see you’re doing well and everything and have come out on the other side of that in a positive light. That’s genuinely very important, so awesome stuff :3
I try not to. I’m almost certain I have bipolar disorder and I think a lot of my trauma dumping is just kinda me being off so to speak. Even then, lately it was stuff about my one partner, so it’s definitely not needed here. I really should get diagnosed after my surgeries.
[way too vulnerable]
i’m really sorry to hear that. i wish there was anything i could do to help
[way too vulnerable]
Is there like an opposite of Mewing? like I want my jaw to be less 🖱 shaped
I’ve been having a really good week so far aside from a couple things out of control. I went out for my girlfriend’s birthday last night with the polycule. We had a pretty great time. Probably the best time I’ve had going out since before COVID started. Still getting gendered correctly too even in a different style than what I was wearing. I’m also noticing way more men taking glances at me and it’s…affirming yet kinda disgusting at the same time. IDK, I guess it’s going to have to be something I have to get used to, cause men aren’t going to change anytime soon.
My favorite part of this week so far? I finally figured out my final goals for my transition and I feel absolutely FANTASTIC. Even though I’m fairly far into transitioning, I was still kinda uncertain about how I hoped I would turn out at the end of all this. However, out of nowhere, I finally pinpointed it and I’m really stoked about it. I’m also not that far from it either. Just need the hormones to keep doing their thing with feminization and make a few changes on my end and I could actually maybe reach my goals
have to get my haircut again, unfortunately
i wait about 2-3 times as long as other men to get it cut because i never liked doing it
“oh you should try for something shorter this time, not like those other times” the thing i tell myself every time
show the barber some vague idea of what i want
he cuts it even shorter than the already shorter than what i wanted cut
get disappointed
show friends/family, hoping they too don’t like it
they all say I look great
get even more disappointed
lmao i really did think these were normal cis thoughts
Reading this and I’m like “they’re just like me frfr”
I’ve always hated getting my haircut. As long as I can remember I hated going to the barber. Once I was an adult, I’d only get it cut maybe once a quarter. All bets were off once it got cold enough to wear a hat everywhere.
I started to go to an actual barber about a year ago, and he does automatic scheduling. So for the last year I’ve been going really regularly even if I hate it since it’s already scheduled. But I cancelled my appointment for last month and I haven’t set up a new one yet. I don’t think I’ll be getting it regularly cut anymore. Just frequently enough to keep it healthy.
Just frequently enough to keep it healthy.
i didn’t even do that once i realized i was trans, i went like 3 years without a single haircut just out of spite for having always gotten them so regularly up to that point (and to spite my brother who kept telling me to get a haircut. i wasn’t out to him at the time, but he was a transphobic piece of shit once i was anyway)
You ever get that feeling that people around you are getting sick of your presence? I’ve been feeling like that lately and it’s kinda crushing me somewhat.
Yes every single day.
hehe i’m wearing a skirt and when i move my hips it goes swoosh
heehee
oh god what was that one line i used to love saying? “I’m bi, which means I’m gay for women?” wow, that one feels a lot different now
i heard that suzy izzard line about being like, a male lesbian and was like “yeah, this guy gets it!”
well it turns out she did get it! she came out after i realized i was trans, but that news would have probably shaken something in my core if i had not yet hatched
I still 100% firmly believe that cis bi men are “gay for women” but like, guess this one wasn’t it for me 😅
transphobia, sad, family
I wanna cry, still years away from getting to somewhere I could transition, and I have no solid plans, waiting for things to get more stable before I even really plan too far.
it hurts knowing I’m gonna be cutting off family, interacting with them is, difficult now too, there’s a feeling in the back of my head telling me how disgusting they’d think I am and how they’d reject me if they knew, and it’s very hard to ignore and to just interact normally, the “love” and care they give me feels hollow and just not real, knowing that it’s conditional on me pretending to be cis and hetero and fitting what they think I should be
Im so sorry about your family, I wish you the best of luck in getting out of there.
girls 💗💙🤍💙💗
- girls!
my favorite thing is being a girl and loving girls. it’s pretty great!
yeah i guess that was the one big thing that really stopped me from realizing for so long
“yeah, of course I love girls. really, really do”. And I did! honestly, it was (one of many) things that kept the egg cracking for so long was because it was so easy to deflect it with “but you just want to be with girls”
Oh there’s the “I’m not trans” thoughts. Right on time.
I have managed to speak on cringe Goodreads with another trans woman about the specific subsection of freakish trans literary fiction novels over which I have brainworms. This is arguably the first external, independent acknowledgement I’ve received that I did not simply invent the connections between them as a result of psychosis or something.
It’s ALL fucking Nevada, trust me sis.
Oh, she also said she uses my Goodreads to find a lot of these books in the first place, thereby proving that I am in fact the foremost specialist in this nonexistent field of study. It’s mine.
Well damn, now I’m curious. Got any book recs?
I dunno, like, what are you looking for? What’re you curious about specifically, what’re you hoping to read?
I was thinking the specific subsection of freakish trans literary fiction novels over which you have brainworms, which I know nothing of.
Nobody knows anything of them, it’s a mystery
I was hoping to know precisely how depressed and/or weirded out you want to be, but oh well. I usually wouldn’t do this but I guess here is a little treat. You’ll want to check Storygraph content warnings for all of these, they’re too “old media” to have them but most desperately need them:
Click to REVEAL THE HORRORS
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Nevada by Imogen Binnie: Maybe some people have a religion with holy scriptures and such; I have this book and all its stupid quotes. Near as I can tell this is the chronological very beginning of this whole, thing(though it’s worthy to note that other contemporary examples like I’ve Got a Time Bomb by Sybille Lamb and Otros Valles by Jamie Berrout probably developed independently). Nevada is the book with the tropes you will see repeated or subverted or just replicated by accident in a bunch of the others. There is a trans woman, Maria Griffiths, and she is sad and emotionally shut off and her life sucks, even if she’s a privileged little shit.
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Otros Valles by Jamie Berrout: Most of these things don’t have that much of a political consciousness, and some are downright lib in places, but Otros Valles spends a lot of time talking about mechanisms of oppression and is pretty cool. Nice antidote to Nevada, and I can recommend all of Berrout’s other work, especially Mutual Aid Publishing.
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Little Fish by Casey Plett: If you were raised in a Canadian Mennonite community and suspect that one of your grandparents may be trans, this is the book for you! It’s weird but pleasant, maybe one of the less depressing out of this group. Casey Plett has other short stories in A Safe Girl To Love if you like this one.
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Detransition, Baby by Torrey Peters: Heir apparent to Nevada, same depressed trans woman in New York but with more ruminations on queer parenthood and how The Cis are sometimes almost cool. Nevada is necessary context for this imo, unless you’re already a depressed Gen X trans woman.
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Little Blue Encyclopedia by Hazel Jane Plante: This is the first one that doesn’t have any apparent ties to Nevada and it’s a great read, love me a sad lil gay t4t rumination on the author’s crush on her deceased het friend. It’s a rare sort of emotional catharsis in a subcategory of highly emotionally detached books.
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Fluids by May Leitz: The grossest horror fiction I’ve ever read, but a really superb splatterpunk/extreme horror re-orientation focused on a queer/trans protagonist. It’s stomach churning but a really worthwhile ride imo. Girl Flesh fucks too, and is a lot less gross, but has cis leads.
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Manhunt by Gretchen Felker Martin: Not the best book on this list, kind of a mess and honestly sometimes it’s just emotional suffering to read, but it has shades of intersectionality and its narrative that addresses political consciousness and assimilationism is pretty rad. It’s about as terminally online as you can get for a setting without internet, though.
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The Last Girl Scout by Natalie Ironside: It’s the pulp-action-horror sapphic-t4t-romance set in a post-USA north america featuring full communism and some anarchism, it’s weird how the book is into Lenin but not Stalin, but it’s a really big expansive messy examination of how fascism be in the post apocalypse, and shit. By turns inspired by Fallout, STALKER, Dawn of the Dead and more.
That’s about it for really really good ones, I think. Nice little starter set, and also now I’m very recognisable. If you ever decide to read any of these you can hmu and I will say things about em probably.
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