I know I just made a post about male failing in the last mega, but it happened again today and when I got home I started crying from happiness.

I was specifically wearing a sweater and jeans from my old, male life, and no make-up, because I was at the post-office picking up a package addressed to deadname and I was worried they would need ID, so I wanted to appear male. Everything is normal until I give my signature, then the guy looks completely confused and asks “deadname is you??”, and I realise he thought I was picking up the package for someone else, and I have to explain that it is in fact me and I didn’t write the wrong name.

At first I was like why the fuck would this guy be suprised I’m the package recipient when I’m the one picking it up???, then in about a minute I realised it has to be because he thought the name didn’t fit me, which could pretty much only be because of gender.

When it happened once last week it could have been a fluke, but now it happened a second time just days later and it feels like it can’t be a coincidence. I read so many places to keep your expectations in check and that often you won’t see too many changes from HRT until at least 12 months, but it hasn’t even been 12 weeks yet. And while I know timelines are very individual, I just internalized that it would take a long time for me because I didn’t want to be let down from high expectations, and now I don’t know how to deal with this insane amount of gender euphoria.

my trans coworker today who i thought was a soft demsoc: “china good, v*aush bad, cuba good, social democracy is the moderate wing of fascism (came to this conclusion without knowing the quote), market economy bad, socialism good, river to the sea”

me:

2 separate people called me “my daughter” in the market yesterday, very cool

down with cis

drive four hours round-trip to get more estrogen before the move

ambushed with surprise labs i couldn’t do bc i had just done my injection earlier that same day

come home and open relaxation box to chill out

the box is full of transphobia

NEW MEGATHREAD GET IN NERDS

I have come to a new and considerable conclusion recently: tfw no cat tail, tfw no cat ears. Idk, catgirls just seem to have more fun, and even as a kid I can remeber thinking humans should have tails cause it’d just be better, right? The cat ears seem like a logical addition, of course.

tfw no cat ears tfw no cat tail

Sorry for writing copious amounts of text and treating this kinda like a journal, i know im pretty self centered right now, sorry.

Anyway

On the less wonderous side of things, ive been realizing the extent of my mothers codependency/fucked-up-edness and it shifted how I view her and made my discomfort relating to her more understandable. Im tired of being responsible for her emotional state, of being there for her in situations where I shouldnt have to be. For example, shes set a hard boundary about me leaving her house after 3 months, which is fine, but when I express anxiety around my housing instability and frustration with not being able to find a place to rent, she gets very upset and distraught that Im facing homelessness, and then I have to take care of her and soothe her and take care of her emotions when she is the one contributing to/forcing that situation in the first place! You cant tell your daughter to get out of your house and then turn around and be distraught by your daughter not having a place to live!? Make it make sense, please.

Ive got a great monster of the week campaign going on that im continuously excited for, its really fun :) plus everyone is trans and its great.

Anyway, life is life, and life is wonderful and terrible.

my depression hoodie my gym hoodie my dysphoria hoodie

all being the same damn hoodie. to a real one

<-- bearer of the curse (deep ass voice)

I gotta say that this community is the best one I’ve ever been a part of. You folks put a smile on my face every week. Never change

they lasered my face for the first time today!

the doctor told me that my skin was VERY white, and i was like

hurt like a motherfucker and i still have the awful smell in my nostrils BUT my chin has never been this fucking smooooooth baybeeeeeee!!

I’m wearing make up today instead of being lazy. It’s nice

Glory to trans woman!

if i’m in a community space and i’m having heaps of emotional labour put onto me, does that make me a heckin’ valid woman

yes

it sucks

Finally on my second E shot and I feel so much better. I’m pretty sure it has more to do with comfort and less to do with anything physiological but w/e i’m vibing and that’s what really matters.

I feel like my vocal progress is sooooo slow even though i only really practice in my car on the drive home so of course it’s gonna be slow. But stiiiill. It doesn’t help that my voice is probably the biggest block i have mentally in terms of furthering my social presentation/transition. I know some trans women rock their testosterone voice but I absolutely can not.

Also i think i’m finally getting over the imposter syndrome-ish feelings around calling myself trans or at least transfem. I’m still unsure if I want to fully embrace transwoman/woman as a label since those feel incredibly loaded and also I don’t feel like I deserve them/they suit me? idk this shits hard even after internalizing it all for the last 5 years

ALSO GOT APPROVED FOR ELECTROLYSIS BY MY INSURANCE SO THAT’S SO EXCITING. I just need to get over the adhd hump and actually call the closest place to me to check if they have any openings before actually scheduling anything.